Help with a hard choice to make about wife with undiagnosed BPD

[olafinski]

Hi,

to be as brief as possible, my wife of 18 y of marriage, judging by what I have learned last 5-6 years, has a highly functional BPD. I have been on many forums, communicated with professionals, and I am certain. She is not only not aware of this, but also resist very hard any idea of couples therapy. From the start of our relationship she was "packing my bags" and pushed me away weekly. I deeply love her as she is, when not "in episode", a wonderful person and a great mom. She also changed me a lot and was by my side in my hardest times when I was diagnosed with diabetes t1 at 35, just couple of months after we met. I have firmly decided to never let her go and always see her for the good in her.

My problem is that my wife has a history of suicide in her family. Her aunt took her own life at 55, shortly after entering menopause. My wife is now 52 and on the edge of menopause. Her parents, while really incredible people, both show some beta cluster traits.

Her condition is improving and episodes are more and more rare, now on a monhtly to even bi-monthly basis. During each episode she threathens divorces and spills fire on me, saying that I ruined her, am constantly keeping her in relationship as in a prison, that she hates me an can not stand even looking at me. Our 15 yo son is always listening from his room and it is surely not good for him. I managed to do "a talk" with him when he was around 13, explaining that "mum has a strange brain with ups and downs, and you should not take it all into your heart". He is now used to it and also nows how to handle her and not put out fire with gasoline.

My choice is to stand by her as I think that if we would separate or divorce she would probably find someone else, as she hates being alone, and it is really hard to imagine someone tolerating her behaviour. I would not forgive myselft if anything bad happened to her because she was "too much". I know this kind of life is perhaps strange and not normal, but it is the life I choose to live and I choose to be by her side even if that is sooo hard at times.

But there is off course a probabilty that during a future episode she will do something that can not be taken back, something that she will not be able to forgive herself. My fear is that there is this real possibility that she would do some harm do herself. So I must do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening. I experienced someone close commiting suicide twice in my life, they were close friends with whom I was not that close anymore at the moment of their death, but I had great remorse and feelings of guilt cause they both tried to approach me during their last couple of days and I was not able to meet.

OK, that was then, but this is now.

Can anyone with a diagnosed highly functional BPD, especially if older, having a family with kids, give me any kind of thoughts on this? Or someone in a similar situation? I need to know what I can do that I am not doing right now to prevent any kind of tragedy in future in my family.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ForeverDad]

Our 15 yo son is always listening from his room and it is surely not good for him. I managed to do "a talk" with him when he was around 13, explaining that "mum has a strange brain with ups and downs, and you should not take it all into your heart". He is now used to it and also knows how to handle her and not put out fire with gasoline.

Yes, the walls do have ears.  While there is little you have been able to do to help your spouse, the children are a different matter.  You can do what you can to present a good example to your children.  They're impressionable and your example, even in these bad situations, can make a difference in their futures.  For one thing, you can help them to avoid choosing their own adult relationships in healthy ways so it isn't an unbalanced and dysfunctional controller vs appeaser.

In other words, our homes - as much as we wish it wasn't the case - were/are dysfunctional to a greater or lesser extent.  So our children don't know what normal family life is truly like.  So we have to make conscious effort to ensure that they don't think the life they've lived at home is their unavoidable future.  Make sure you share positive experiences and associations with them.

Another idea is to periodically have regular heart-to-heart conversations with your son.  Don't assume he's okay if he doesn't speak up or approach you.  There will even be times he won't even know what to ask.  Thoughtful parenting includes being proactive about it.

[Notwendy]

I assume the hard choice is your decision to stay in the marriage and do what you can to mitigate the situation for your son and also prevent your wife from self harming.

From my own experience in a similar situation with a BPD mother, I think there's aspects of this that are beyond anyone's control. Your wife still has free will to make her own choices. You can do what you think is possible but it's not possible to control someone 100% of the time and it's also not possible to watch them 100% of the time.

I think it's an uncomfortable state of acceptance when doing what you believe is humanly possible for you and accepting that, even then, her choices are not entirely controllable but it's all anyone can do.

I also think it's inevitable that your son will see/hear what is going on. He's in the same house. This is his mother. How he reacts to this is also dependent on his own emotional make up and resilience. It's good that you can have an honest relationship with him but also, be careful not to vent to him or put too much in him. I would strongly recommend he have counseling so he can have an objective person to help him process his feelings and perspective.

Both my parents lived into their elder years. After my father passed away, we were concerned about BPD mother's history of theats/attempts at self harm. We also were realistic about our ability to monitor her, as we had our own families, jobs and knew it wasn't possible for anyone to watch her 24/7. We decided that the best we could do was to call 911 if there were any concerns.

I believe that if someone is a danger to themselves and others- they need a medical assessment and possible hospitalization. This is beyond what a family member can do. To call 911 was the best we could possibly do.

As to divorce threats, these were frequent but the reality was that she would have difficulty being on her own and she didn't follow through on the threats. She also didn't make a major attempt to end her life thankfully. She passed away at an advanced age due to natural causes.Still, one can not tell the difference between a threat and deciding to take action and so, any threat requires a professional to evaluate.

As for your son, I think it is good to help him become independent either through university or employment when he is old enough. Let him know it's OK to seek counseling and encourage him to do so now and in the future if he feels the need to do that. I also think it will help you to have the support of a counselor as this is a challenging situation for you.

[BPK]

You are not alone. I have a 13 year old and an 18 year old.  While we don't speak much about it (that would damage trust between myself and my spouse) they do have methods to cope with it. It is hard on them. Fortunately, my wife takes most of it out on me, but they do get quite a bit of the anger as well. 

Try to take care of yourself. Exercise / Hobbies ect. Love on your son with out making mom bad.

Do your best to understand that most of this is not your fault. Try not to take the bait in the argument. 

I plan on doing everything I can to stay married. She is amazing when she is not angry, and I made a vow. Its also not her fault. Also, consider if you leave, you  are placing the impact of your spouse fully on your child.

I have been breaking down and crying a lot lately. Its hard.

[ForeverDad]

Also, consider if you leave, you  are placing the impact of your spouse fully on your child.

Yes, if you're not there then the ranting and acting out can be directed at the kids.  But if you leave to work, shop or other errands - as with my circumstances - then at those times you're not there for the kids either.  Most of us don't have the opportunity to be there 100% of the time.

My spouse was threatening to disappear with our preschooler.  Whether she could succeed in doing that, I don't know.  Though I've always been a proponent of marriage, with my marriage imploding around me I realized there was nothing more I could do.  Separation was just a short term remedy so it morphed into a divorce.  I started out with alternate weekends but over the following years I gradually ended up with majority time.

The result was that my son grew up with two distinct homes, one with chaos and venting, the other calm and trusting.  He saw the distinction between normal and abnormal, healthy and unhealthy, functional and dysfunctional.

Sadly, no solution is perfect.  We can only use our judgment and try our best.

[zachira]

My mother had BPD and she periodically threatened to divorce my father when she was feeling down, though I think she only told her children this. My father loved my mother and did everything he could to make her happy. My aunt once said that my father loved my mother and she did not love him. The biggest mistake my father made was not to support his children who were expected to keep mom happy. When I was a teenager, my father took me aside and asked me not to upset mom, that he had tried to get her mental health help and she had refused. I have been negatively affected my whole life by being groomed to enable a large dysfunctional family system. I often wonder how much better my life would have been if my father had supported me in becoming a separate healthy individual instead of expecting me to enable my mother and the rest of the disordered family members.

[SinisterComplex]

My mother had BPD and she periodically threatened to divorce my father when she was feeling down, though I think she only told her children this. My father loved my mother and did everything he could to make her happy. My aunt once said that my father loved my mother and she did not love him. The biggest mistake my father made was not to support his children who were expected to keep mom happy. When I was a teenager, my father took me aside and asked me not to upset mom, that he had tried to get her mental health help and she had refused. I have been negatively affected my whole life by being groomed to enable a large dysfunctional family system. I often wonder how much better my life would have been if my father had supported me in becoming a separate healthy individual instead of expecting me to enable my mother and the rest of the disordered family members.

This is a good for thought moment. Pondering what could have been does nothing, but thinking about it and going back to the past and learning from it so it can help you in the present and future that is where the bread and butter is.

Hey like I have always said...I will not enable Sh*t behavior. I will call you out on it and I will not back down. As it as to what you have said here Zachira...backing down enables that crap behavior to continue and nothing changes. Willing to put the foot down and getting comfortable being uncomfortable forces change or at least creates a starting point for change to take place.

Olaf, not trying to hijack...just jumping in to further the discussion. There is a lot to unpack and many different directions to go. So jump on a branch and follow it to see where we go.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Notwendy]

I have been breaking down and crying a lot lately. Its hard.

Although like you also are doing- my father shielded this from the kids but it's not possible to conceal it entirely. I saw this too. I wished it wasn't so hard on him.

Both decisions, to stay or divorce, are complex ones, each with their own set of pros and cons. I agree with FD- it's not possible to avoid the kids being alone with BPD mother 100% of the time. I can also relate to Zachira's post about being enlisted as accessory emotional caretakers to BPD mother but even if the father doesn't do that- BPD mother did it. Her emotional needs were huge- she sought these needs being met by anyone who was closest to her. I agree that it was my father who took on the majority of this role with her but we did it too.

Although the welfare of the kids is one consideration when deciding to stay or leave, I don't think it's the only one or even the major one. Like the other posters here- my father was very concerned about how BPD mother would manage without him and I believe that was his predominant concern. From my experiences with her in her elder years, I could see why that was.

I don't fully understand all the reasons that went into his decision to stay and likewise don't judge someone for choosing to leave. Each choice is complex and difficult. I don't think one is necessarily better than the other for everyone- it's a personal and individual choice.

I do think self care is important. Your kids need you to take care of yourself- for your own self and so you can be emotionally present for them.

[olafinski]

@Notwendy,
can you help me out a bit here? You mention having a BPD mother. I am wondering, our son is now 15, puberty just starting. He is a bit "behind schedule" with puberty so he is still more or less "normal" and able to communicate.
He just enrolled a really cool high school where he really likes to go and all seems nice.
Since I am lately more and more considering following my wife's divorce bluff, to check if it's really a bluff, because I never did and also because I am soooo soooo sorry for my son to live in this kind of way, without stability and peace of mind, with constant threats to me spoken out in front of him, constant fear and eggshell walking... I am not sure if at 15 it would make any positive difference?
So play it out loud:
1) If I go through with that, I would for sure want the custody of my son because I could not leave him alone in adolescence with his mother as this could go wrong in 1000 ways
2) Most probably he would want to go with me, and in our country after 12 yo kids have a say on court, although the decision is on the judge.
3) If my wife would anywats want to keep the custody, she would have to play the "my husband is a creative person and does not have a steady income" kind of play, which might work if I cave in although I am the main provider and have a steady income bigger than hers (but its only a third of my total income so our financial situation varies throughout the year, therefore me not having a steady income).
4) If she does that, I would have to play the undiagnosed BPD card for which I have a lot of material evidence and also my son's testimony which would all be devastating to her and probably she would totally cut the ties with me personally.

That would leave me with my son who would still have to see her 2nd weekends and probably couple times a week. Every such visit is a potential disaster. It all might go perfect but I am sure she would trash me and it might get really dirty. She has an ex and a son, my step-son 26yo that lives with us, and I hear how she speaks about him.

So what is a better solution?
1) To try to keep our family together, as is my primary intention since I would like to help her and be on her side for as long as possible, where our son will probably never experience a month of his family life in a normal, stable fashion? But anyways, he is 15 and I guess formed as a person, so what could would separation do now? And that would mean me an my wife really splitting as people as she is not the type that crosses-out anyone she has problems with.

2) To follow through her threats and let her leave next time she says she will (I never left and never will, no matter what she says, I never slam the doors, go away or anything similar. I always just let her rant, and only react if some limits I establish are reached, such as open out lie, doing something that is not good for our son, or creating mess that spreads outside of our home)? Her ex husband forced her to leave and she is always trying to recreate this with me. Her story is that he told her "pack your things and go away". They were both really young and he is an alpha male kinda guy so it makes sense. With me, when she started packing her bags a couple of times, she asked me to give her the suitcase (stored high so hard to reach) which I declined, then she did it her self, I let her, started packing, packed, but never left. Then she accused me of wanting her to go away because I wasn't trying to stop her leave by begging to forgive me etc. I told her that I will never try to stop her but also will never help her because I want to live with her and be there for her, but she is an adult and if she decides something I can not change that. So if I decide so, next time she plays that drama, I could say, which I never did, OK, if you think its better for you, leave. She probably wont't because she could only go to her parent's house and they would not be supportive of this as they adore me and are aware of her being a tought character to live with.

[Notwendy]

I don't know the road not taken. My parents stayed together, but I do recall what I think helped at age 15.

If the main consideration is the age- 15 years old. To me, the time line to adulthood is a factor. A divorce is disruptive and may take years. It also is financially costly. It is very likely to be a contentious divorce that drags out. If you did this now, he may be close to 18 or even older by the time that is completed. Custody may not be a consideration by then.

He is going to be affected by BPD mother in either situation. Whether more or less, it's hard to know.

By 15 from my own experience- the best possible intervention for me was to become independent. This can't happen at 15 but you can plan for it. If he likes school and does well- that means university in the near future. What I wanted most at this age was to be away from my mother and the issues in the house. I think most teens want to have autonomy too. This is done in "normal" situations through after school activities, visiting relatives if that is an option, and later going to college.

If your son were much younger, maybe there'd be a different idea but- really, the best thing for me was to be able to stand on my own and not be dependent on my parents. This is a process and college was a step on the way to that to that for me. Going away to school and not living at home also helped- and so if that's possible consider that.

Looking at the time line to adulthood for him and the process of divorce, focusing on his path to adulthood first, rather than both at the same time, would be what I think would be more helpful. Also because you aren't certain you want to divorce and your BPD wife is likely to escalate her behaviors during this time. If divorce is a serious consideration, it is more feasable when custody isn't an issue.

If you don't really want to divorce but are doing this to call her bluff, IMHO, don't do it. If she's bluffing, she doesn't mean it. Divorce is a difficult and disruptive process. It's something to do when you believe it's the necessary step but to take steps to do it when you aren't certain yourself is going to only escalate the situation, create more damage to the relationship should you want to continue it. Don't join her in her disordered thinking by acting on it.

My BPD mother threatened divorce frequently and didn't take any steps to do so. If your wife were serious, she'd take steps too. If she got to the point of retaining a lawyer, then you would need to do that too but unless your wife actually takes steps to do this- she's just making threats.

What your son needs is your time, attention and unconditional love. Initiating divorce when you don't want to do that- your time, attention, resources will be entirely focused on the conflict of that. Take some of the money you'd spend on the lawyer and put it in a college fund for him if you can do that. He will appreciate that later. Encourage him to do activities at school and be present- for sports game, any arts productions, whatever he's into. Take him to the movies, do things together. Soon he will be an adult. Make some bonds with him before he's out on his own- and after that too. Chances are you've been focused on your wife and her feelings a lot- and the drama. Turn some of that to quality time with your son and also encourage his future goals. That's what he probably wants most.

[ForeverDad]

I will simply quote one of my posts long ago.  I was trying to emphasize that a better example for the kids is invaluable.  It allows the children to experience the contrast between what your calm and steady home would be versus the chaos and dysfunction of time spent with the other parent.

While custody - or as much custody as the court would grant you - is important, even more vital is that you set an example for your children.  They need to see what a normal home environment should be, even if only with one parent.

Unless your ex somehow succeeds in convincing the court or other professionals that you are abusive or significantly neglectful, you WILL get parenting time with your children.  It may be as little as alternate weekends, it may be equal time or it may be more.  You son is clearly old enough to have a say in that aspect.  (After all, once he starts to drive he can "vote with his feet".)  But beware that his mother will emotionally guilt him and try to sway him to appease her.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  About 40 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

A benefit would be that your children would get a glimpse of normalcy and seek that normalcy in future adult relationships... neither seeking controllers, users and manipulators nor seeking compliant appeasers.

So... "better late than never" may be a theme that works for you.

[ForeverDad]

Her ex husband forced her to leave and she is always trying to recreate this with me. Her story is that he told her "pack your things and go away". They were both really young and he is an alpha male kinda guy so it makes sense. With me, when she started packing her bags a couple of times, she asked me to give her the suitcase (stored high so hard to reach) which I declined, then she did it her self, I let her, started packing, packed, but never left.

While there may some truth in what she claims about her prior marriage, one member here (infamously?) declared that he always knows when his ex is lying... when she opens her mouth.

In other words, unless you have clear independent confirmation through witnesses or documentation, you can't fully trust what a person with BPD traits (pwBPD) claims.

[zachira]

I think it would be important to find out if there is a certain age at which your son would have a strong say in the custody decision in your area. It does seem you have a strong case for your son to stay with you, as it common for boys with long time divorced parents who have lived with the mother for most of the time to want to go stay with dad when they are teenagers, and it does often happen. It is well known that teenage boys need to spend more time with male role models, especially a father, as they are learning how to become a man.

[Notwendy]

A benefit would be that your children would get a glimpse of normalcy and seek that normalcy in future adult relationships... neither seeking controllers, users and manipulators nor seeking compliant appeasers.

So... "better late than never" may be a theme that works for you.

I agree with FD, if you were truly on board and ready for divorce.  I think if you began the proceedings at his age of 15, he'd be so close to 18 by the time it was settled that custody won't be an issue.

From your post though- you aren't really considering divorce. You are considering calling her bluff by taking her up on her threats. In this regard, you both are not really wanting to divorce. Reacting to her threats to call her bluff will only escalate the situation. You have already stated you are committed to staying married to her.

In the situation where you are going to stay married, and you want to do the best for your son, then- the way to get him exposed to "normal" situations and away from the conflict is to help him to be able to leave it himself. He can't do this at 15, but there are options. One for me was to let me visit relatives during school breaks and I also could visit friends at their houses. Teens spend more time with their peers as they get older. If BPD mother was acting up at home, I could get to a friend's house for a while. I also went off to college after graduation.

This didn't undo the issues I was exposed to at home but I had some distance from it. I also had access to student health counseling to help. It wasn't a solution, it was a start.

Letting a grown child leave the dynamics at home does not mean no relationship with them. As an adult child, I formed a different relationship with each parent- according to each parents' ability to have a relationship with anyone. BPD affects all relationships. This is your time with your son. Since you have no wish to divorce - why spend more time and money with an uneccesary conflict with your wife?

My best childhood memories with my father are when we did things together without BPD mother as he would then be able to pay attention to us kids. Try to make some time to do this with your son.

One thing I needed to learn was to not react as much to BPD mother's threats (to me, not about divorce). She'd make a threat, I'd react and then there'd be conflict and drama. This reinforced the behavior because then, the focus would be on her.

When your wife makes threats, she's pulling your attention to her, and away from whatever else you need to focus on, including your son, who likely is already getting the short end of your attention. Maybe she is doing this so you will tell her not to leave. Surely it makes you feel angry and tempted to react. This is an "invitation to the crazy (drama for both of you)  party". It works for her to gain your focus, but you don't have to attend the crazy party. You can stay calm and say "honey, I wish you wouldn't leave" and then repeat as needed.

The choice is yours. If you were seriously considering divorce, the advice to stay would be out of line, but you aren't considering it. You have stated you are staying married and so, considering that, don't call her bluff. While your choice is to stay, it may not be your son's choice, so help him to gain independence so he can one day make his choice too.

[olafinski]

Well to be honest, the thing is that after 18 years I am really tired. My love is the same, and my commitment to. It's just that my energy is not as it used to be. But everyone here is right. Divorce would take that little energy I got away.
Focus on my son is the most important lesson from this post and I am really grateful to all! Thx.
I know that there is not such thing as a magic wand that would make it all just go away. And as for myself, I am not sorry. It was all my very conscious decision from the start. But what troubles me is my son. I got him at 38, when it seemed that I would never be a father. He is truly the light of my life. I really hope that he will mostly remember the nice stuff and not the ugly.

[CC43]

Hi, there is a lot to unpack here, but I have some thoughts:

I deeply love her as she is, when not "in episode", a wonderful person and a great mom. She also changed me a lot and was by my side in my hardest times when I was diagnosed with diabetes t1 at 35, just couple of months after we met. I have firmly decided to never let her go and always see her for the good in her.

Given that you start here, as well as posting on the "bettering" board, my sense is you want to make things work, for the whole family.  To me you sound more hopeful than despondent, and that's good news.

My problem is that my wife has a history of suicide in her family. Her aunt took her own life at 55, shortly after entering menopause. My wife is now 52 and on the edge of menopause. Her parents, while really incredible people, both show some beta cluster traits.  Her condition is improving and episodes are more and more rare, now on a monhtly to even bi-monthly basis.

I think it's typical that mental illness can run in families, whether it's because of nature, nurture, environmental factors or some combination.  But having said that, you can't say for sure if menopause was a trigger for your aunt, or that it will be for your wife.  If your wife isn't feeling well because of perimenopause or the onset of menopause, she could seek medical treatment, and there are numerous treatment options.  Personally, I have never felt better than after menopause, though I did experience some age-related issues like trouble sleeping, dry skin/itchiness and emerging thyroid issues.  Doctors can and do help, with medications, lifestyle changes and/or supplements.  For me, making some tweaks has helped me feel better than ever.

That your wife's behavior is improving signals to me that maybe going through menopause will actually help her feel better and more balanced.  At least that was my experience.

During each episode she threathens divorces and spills fire on me, saying that I ruined her, am constantly keeping her in relationship as in a prison, that she hates me an can not stand even looking at me.

PwBPD will often say things they don't really mean when they're dysregulated.  The more outrageous, delusional and wacko her accusations are, the more you know that they're not based on logic, but on out-of-control emotions.  Has your wife actually taken any actions to pursue a divorce?  Has she hired a lawyer?  Has she left the home for a few nights?  Does it seem she's changing up her life/friends/jobs in preparation to leave you, live independently or live with someone else?  My guess is that she has not, because she's bluffing.  Now, I don't like being threatened, and I don't like to listen to B.S. either.  But my sense is, she's probably mad about something else, like not getting her way or being disappointed, and she's turning around and blaming you.

On these boards you'll see recommendations about how to handle dysregulated behavior, such as not to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend and Explain), because when your wife is riled up, she can't think straight, let alone hear anything you have to say.  I like the Gray Rock technique, which is to be as still, quiet and boring as possible, so as not to engage in a heated argument and feed the fire of her ire.  I might slip out of the room or silently do a chore, like taking out the trash, which gives me some separation.  If my spouse follows me around, I might say quietly, I have to go to the bathroom.  Oftentimes the little break in time and space is enough to end the argument.  Basically, I'm giving them an "adult time out," that is, time and space to cool down.

Another approach you might try is reassurance.  If she says she wants a divorce, you could say, I love you so much, I don't want a divorce.  Maybe she's seeking reassurance, but her BPD thinking is getting in the way of that?  Remember, fear of abandonment is a huge trigger for pwBPD.  She might feel like she's letting you down, so she tries to beat you to the punch with a threat of divorce, when what she really wants is to know you love her?

Our 15 yo son is always listening from his room and it is surely not good for him. I managed to do "a talk" with him when he was around 13, explaining that "mum has a strange brain with ups and downs, and you should not take it all into your heart". He is now used to it and also nows how to handle her and not put out fire with gasoline.

It sounds like your son knows how to be a Gray Rock.  But the situation is concerning, because he might feel that he's to blame for his mom's distress.  It's never fun to live in a household that seems to be in constant strife, and ready to explode.  The other thing I wonder is if he will think it's OK to scream and make grave threats, modelling himself after his mom's behavior.  If he sees his mom gets what she wants by acting out, he might adopt the same tactics.  By the same token, I think it might be beneficial that his same-sex parent is the stable one, and my hope would be that he takes more after you and your behaviors than his mom and hers.

Nevertheless, living with an unstable emotional dynamic can be extremely stressful.  You might consider getting him therapy, if you think he needs it.  He might not right now, but he may need more support in the future.

I guess my recommendation would be to ensure your son has opportunities to experience more "normal" home environments, such as staying with grandparents or cousins for a few days here and there, if that were possible, a little vacation.  He might like the idea of a summer camp.  Getting involved with positive role models with organizations such as the Boy Scouts might be an option as well.  Is he on any sports teams with strong male coaches?  That might be an avenue to explore.  Eventually, he might consider college campus as a refuge from domestic strife.  In the meantime, I'd recommend that you get plenty of one-on-one time with him too.  You could bond over something of mutual interest--movies, fishing, paint ball, a Saturday getaway, whatever you both enjoy.

[zachira]

Some school systems offer therapy for any student and a lot of the therapy provided is prevention, for problems in the home that could show up later as bigger more serious problems in life.

[Notwendy]

Well to be honest, the thing is that after 18 years I am really tired. 

He is truly the light of my life. I really hope that he will mostly remember the nice stuff and not the ugly.

I have a mix of memories. I am glad for the good ones. It's understandable you feel tired, I think my father got tired too.

The good memories don't have to be around a special event or activity. It could be a movie, a sports game- whatever your son is into. I recall times like my father helping me with homework, movies, museums. Regular activities. Do what you can to find times like this with your son.