30th Birthday Gift: Sex as a weapon, secret contempt, and a "baby trap" (Diagnos

[OrionnTT]

Hi everyone,
I’m turning 30 in two days, and I’m standing at a crossroads that feels more like a minefield. I’ve been with my partner for 10 months. She is officially diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), but despite the diagnosis, the dynamic has become unbearable.
Here is the current situation:
The Living Situation: She lives for free in a house owned by my parents. Despite their generosity, she despises them and insults them behind their backs.
The Baby Trap: She is obsessed with having a child. She recently told me she was "waiting for me to be so sexually frustrated (the 'itch') that I would finally give in and agree to a baby." It felt like a hostage negotiation.
The Secret Contempt: I recently discovered her private logs where she uses an AI as a confidant. She describes me as "limited," "boring," and expresses deep contempt for who I am. Yet, to my face, she plays the victim.
The Emotional Manipulation: Yesterday, she had a breakdown crying in a midwife's waiting room because she heard a baby cry. Hours later, she told me, "Because of the emotional shock you caused me today, I won't get pregnant anyway." It’s a constant cycle of guilt-tripping and biological threats.
We had sex recently, but I felt completely detached, like a "last time" to reclaim some power. I know I need to leave, but the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is heavy, especially with my 30th birthday on Jan 12th.
Since she is diagnosed, I’m realizing that my "good heart" won't fix this. Has anyone else dealt with a partner who uses their diagnosis to justify this kind of secret contempt and "baby-as-a-weapon" tactic? How do I break the cycle when the biological clock is being used as a gun to my head?
Any reality checks before I blow out my candles would be appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OrionnTT]

Hi everyone,
​I’m turning 30 in two days, and I’m standing at a crossroads that feels more like a minefield. I’ve been with my partner for 10 months. She is officially diagnosed with BPD, but the situation has devolved into a psychological horror show.
​Here is the full picture:
​The Living Situation & Hypocrisy: She lives for free in a house owned by my parents. Despite their total financial and material support, she despises them and insults them behind their backs. More twisted? She constantly reproaches me for her "dependence" on us, biting the hand that feeds her while refusing to leave.
​The "Conditional Love" Trap: She tells me she loves me, but she explicitly stated that this love is entirely conditional on her becoming pregnant. If there is no baby, there is no love. I am not a partner to her; I am a biological means to an end.
​The Baby Trap & Sex as a Weapon: She recently admitted she was "waiting for me to be so sexually frustrated (the 'itch') that I would finally give in and agree to a baby." It’s not intimacy; it’s a hostage negotiation.
​The Secret Contempt: I discovered her private logs with an AI. She describes me as "limited," "boring," and "unintelligent." To my face, she is the "sensitive victim," but in her mind, I am a sub-human tool she uses for housing and procreation.
​The Emotional Blackmail: Yesterday, she had a breakdown crying in a midwife's waiting room after hearing a baby. She then blamed me, saying that "because of the emotional shock I caused her," she won't get pregnant anyway—using her own biological cycle as a weapon to make me feel like a murderer.
​We had sex recently, but I felt like a ghost. I’m planning my exit, but the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is heavy, and the "anniversary pressure" for my 30th on Jan 12th is closing in.
​How do you deal with someone who admits their love is conditional? How do you leave when you know they will play the "homeless victim" card after trashing the very people housing them? I need a massive reality check.

[OrionnTT]

[
Hi everyone,
​I’m turning 30 in two days, and I’m standing at a crossroads that feels more like a minefield. I’ve been with my partner for 10 months. She is officially diagnosed with BPD, but the situation has devolved into a psychological horror show.
​Here is the full picture:
​The Living Situation & Hypocrisy: She lives for free in a house owned by my parents. Despite their total financial and material support, she despises them and insults them behind their backs. More twisted? She constantly reproaches me for her "dependence" on us, biting the hand that feeds her while refusing to leave.
​The "Conditional Love" Trap: She tells me she loves me, but she explicitly stated that this love is entirely conditional on her becoming pregnant. If there is no baby, there is no love. I am not a partner to her; I am a biological means to an end.
​The Baby Trap & Sex as a Weapon: She recently admitted she was "waiting for me to be so sexually frustrated (the 'itch') that I would finally give in and agree to a baby." It’s not intimacy; it’s a hostage negotiation.
​The Secret Contempt: I discovered her private logs with an AI. She describes me as "limited," "boring," and "unintelligent." To my face, she is the "sensitive victim," but in her mind, I am a sub-human tool she uses for housing and procreation.
​The Emotional Blackmail: Yesterday, she had a breakdown crying in a midwife's waiting room after hearing a baby. She then blamed me, saying that "because of the emotional shock I caused her," she won't get pregnant anyway—using her own biological cycle as a weapon to make me feel like a murderer.
​We had sex recently, but I felt like a ghost. I’m planning my exit, but the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) is heavy, and the "anniversary pressure" for my 30th on Jan 12th is closing in.
​How do you deal with someone who admits their love is conditional? How do you leave when you know they will play the "homeless victim" card after trashing the very people housing them? I need a massive reality check.

[OrionnTT]

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[OrionnTT]

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[Pook075]

Any reality checks before I blow out my candles would be appreciated.

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm sorry you're going through this and can't imagine how stressful it must be.  Many here have faced the same struggles, myself included.

First, you mentioned that she lives in a home owned by your parents.  Do you live there as well?  And do your parents live there or is this a 2nd home for them?

Second, the pregnancy tactic is a form of manipulation.  In fact, almost everything you listed were forms of manipulation.

Third, let's go back to the house for a moment.  Your parents own it, she doesn't appreciate it.  Have you considered asking her to move out and find something she'd prefer on her own?

I'm not saying "kick her out", I'm saying to challenge her disordered thinking by giving her exactly what she claims she wants.  If you want to hate my parents, great, don't ask them for anything and don't talk about them anymore.  Problem solved.

The reason why your partner is doing this, well, she's doing it because she's mentally ill and her thoughts have a way of spiraling.  But the other reason is because she pouts and demands and threatens and you do....nothing.  You just let her rant away while making demands and putting others down.

I'm not saying to argue with her, that's counter-productive.  But by putting your foot down on some of this stuff and pushing back in a healthy way, it can change the narratives.

For example, the baby.  Sure, let's have a baby.  But there's a problem, we need somewhere to raise a baby and you hate my parents.  We can't live here with a baby, so where will we move?  How will we afford it?  Can you get a second job maybe? 

Another route is to refuse to talk about those topics- parents and babies are off the table for now (mainly because we're always arguing about it).  If we can't work through this together, then let's not talk about it at all.  And when she pushes, you walk away.  If she escalates, you ask her to leave. 

You don't have to be a jerk about it, but it's important nonetheless to establish healthy boundaries.  If you can't get to that place, then I agree that the relationship is doomed.  But you really should see if it's possible anyway.

I hope that helps.

[CC43]

Hi there,

You're asking for a reality check, and I think you have a good handle on it already.  Let me select a few key words from your post:

minefield unbearable despises them and insults them obsessed frustrated hostage negotiation Secret Contempt plays the victim Emotional Manipulation breakdown crying constant cycle of guilt-tripping and biological threats completely detached I know I need to leave my "good heart" won't fix this "baby-as-a-weapon" gun to my head.

You know the saying that past behavior is the most reliable predictor of future behavior?  It's because it's true for the most part.  You can't change your partner, and getting a wedding ring won't change her either.  Only she can decide to change.  As she has BPD, behavioral change requires intensive therapy and strong commitment on her part, because changing the way one thinks and behaves is hard work.  It can be done, but she has to really want to change to make her life better.  If she's not committed to therapy, she'll probably show behavioral patterns that are typical of BPD.  I'd suggest reading through some posts on these boards to get a sense.  Very common features are a victim mindset, loved ones "walking on eggshells" to prevent meltdowns, weaponizing children/babies, threats, and hatred of family members who have been nothing but kind.  Do you really want to have a child with someone while feeling like you have a gun to your head?  Do you want a partner who hates your family for no apparent reason?  If I were in your shoes, I'd rather dodge the bullet.  I think you owe it to yourself to think this through very carefully, because once a child is involved, you are responsible for it until adulthood. 

[OrionnTT]

@Pook075

Thank you for the warm welcome and the blunt assessment. You hit the nail on the head regarding my own passivity. Here are the answers to your questions:
1. Regarding the house: Yes, I live here with her. It is my parents' secondary home. They do not live with us. It is a privilege she enjoys while simultaneously resenting the source of that privilege. The irony of hating the hand that shelters you is not lost on me.
2. Regarding the manipulation: I am beginning to see the 'pregnancy clock' for what it is: a tactical weapon to anchor me in this chaos before I can build my own fortress.
3. Regarding the 'Challenge': Your suggestion to give her exactly what she claims to want is powerful. If she hates the 'system' provided by my parents, then she must be prepared to exist outside of it. I plan to present this choice clearly: we either cultivate respect for the life we are gifted, or we find a way to fund an independent one.
4. Regarding my inaction: You are right. My silence has been a form of enabling. I’ve mistaken 'stoic endurance' for 'doing nothing.' I’ve allowed the rants to continue because I was trying to avoid the 'splash' of her disorder. But by doing so, I’ve let the house flood.
I will take your advice. I am done arguing. From now on, I am setting the parameters. If she wants a child, she needs to show me a partner who is capable of a 50/50 contribution—financially and domestically. If she wants to attack my parents, she can do so from a rental apartment she pays for herself.
The narratives are changing today. I appreciate the push to establish healthy boundaries before declaring the relationship doomed, though the 'doomed' part feels more like a mathematical certainty every day.
Thanks for the reality check.

@CC43

To address your questions directly: No, I have no desire to bring a child into an environment characterized by financial instability and emotional volatility. I recognize that the 'victim mindset' and the 'walking on eggshells' dynamic you described have become the default state of my household.
The lack of commitment to intensive therapy on her part is indeed the primary obstacle. I have come to realize that my attempt to mitigate her BPD symptoms through patience and financial support has been counter-productive, serving only to enable the disordered patterns rather than resolve them.
I am currently re-evaluating the long-term viability of this relationship. I agree that the introduction of a child under these circumstances would be an act of profound irresponsibility. I intend to prioritize my own mental clarity and the protection of my family’s assets moving forward.
Thank you for providing this necessary perspective on the 'pattern' of the disorder."

[Pook075]

The narratives are changing today. I appreciate the push to establish healthy boundaries before declaring the relationship doomed, though the 'doomed' part feels more like a mathematical certainty every day.

Look at it this way; you think the relationship is doomed.  We're giving you a place to start that can prove yourself wrong.  So you communicate a different way, validate her feelings/needs, but also tie in the reality of what needs to happen for her to have everything she wants.

If you're successful and she is willing, it saves the relationship and turns it arounds.  If you fail, then you haven't lose anything because you're confirming that it's doomed.  At least this way, you're giving it a fair chance and trying to help her see reason at the same time.

I wish you luck, my friend!

[ForeverDad]

Since this is the Bettering board, we are limited in the direction of our responses.  What are key factors are that it is a new relationship, only a year thus far, and you have no children together, also thus far.  Speaking within the limits of this board, I would agree that you ponder seriously whether this partnership has a healthy and functional future before you even consider having children in such a troubled relationship.

My own history is that I was married for over a decade with an increasingly unmanageable spouse.  I hoped having a child together - clueless me - would make everything better.  Instead it got worse.  Our marriage failed within a few years and our son was in counseling for many years starting at 3 years of age.  Our collective experience here is that having children does not fix the dysfunction and usually compounds the problems.

How to improve the existing relationship?  So much depends on your partner.  I'm sure you've tried to guide her to better perspectives and behavior but she is resistant to your efforts.  Sadly, as the person closest to the disordered partner, you're the last one she'd listen to.  Why?  Borderline is a disorder most impacting and triggering to close relationships.  That's why focused therapy with an experienced but emotionally neutral therapist is so crucial.

This quote says it best... Your partner would have to seriously want to fix her issues.  If not, well...

You know the saying that past behavior is the most reliable predictor of future behavior?  It's because it's true for the most part.  You can't change your partner, and getting a wedding ring won't change her either.  Only she can decide to change.  As she has BPD, behavioral change requires intensive therapy and strong commitment on her part, because changing the way one thinks and behaves is hard work.  It can be done, but she has to really want to change to make her life better.  If she's not committed to therapy, she'll probably show behavioral patterns that are typical of BPD...

If I were in your shoes, I'd rather dodge the bullet.  I think you owe it to yourself to think this through very carefully, because once a child is involved, you are responsible for it until adulthood.