Rediscovering me

[mybluemoon89]

Hello Oz,

I have previously spent about a year here with the "choosing to stay" (I can't recall what it was called) group as I came to terms with my BPDh illness and challenges. After a 9 year relationship including 7 years of marriage that began when I was 17 and he was 19, I had just begun to understand who I was really married to and how I had ignored his clear signs of mental illness for so long. His BPD is accompanied by episodes of psychosis, anxiety, schizophrenia, bi-polar... .and more. I believe his BPD is the key to why some of the more telling symptoms of serious mental illness remained "hidden" throughout our relationship. During this educational and rocky period of "discovery" I came to terms with my own textbook codependency issues that made me the perfect candidate for a hastily formed yet long-term & loyal relationship with this man.


In late July of last year he behaved recklessly enough that I found myself staying with a friend with our two young children "For a night". For a night became an indefinite "hiding from him" scenario because of his reaction and threats. "Hiding from him" became a 30 day protective order and that 30 days allowed me to gain some clarity on just how enmeshed, manipulated and emotionally abused I really have been for the past 10 years now.

Also during the 30 days, it was increasingly obvious that he simply did not believe that he had done anything even remotely offensive, let alone dangerous (he had a firearm pointed at our daughters bedroom door I walked out of at 2am) and viewed the entire situation me attacking him. He also sent enough communications along the lines of "you have made a very big mistake and it's not going away" to make me fear both immediate violent retribution and an agonizing emotional revenge he would carry out for the rest of my life.

So, I gathered everything I had documented on his illness (which was much more then I realized), everyone who knew, and on the court hearing for the 30 day protective order I was able to secure a 1 year protective order which also allows me to control the frequency and conditions of his supervised visits with our children.

Its been almost 6 months. The reality is that he is not changing. I am working through my codependency and I'm doing everything I can to make the right choices for the safety of our kids. It's impossible for me to completely stop loving my husband because I believe he truly is ill. I am 100% uncharted moral territory with every part of this. I fundamentally believe kids should have their father in their life so as I let go of this hope and fight for our marriage, I'm re-calibrating to do my part in accommodating his  fatherhood.

Our daughter is 7. In her world, a father who practically worshiped her (if you know BPD and know what splitting means you'll know what i mean by saying she's in his "good people" book) is suddenly gone. She visits him with a supervisor at public places like McDonald playland for an hour once a week. I'm trying to navigate her questions and mood swings and monitor through our supervisors whether or not my husband is healthy enough to expose her to as well as communicate that to him (restraining order allows for email communication)

Our son is turning 1 on sunday. He doesn't probably realize he has a dad. Sometimes he goes along during the visits to be held and seen by his father. I am trying to navigate whether it would be in his best interest to not know his father at all... .


Looking forward to reconnecting with this community of people who really know what I'm dealing with.

[Mutt]

Hi mybluemoon89, 



I'd like to welcome you to BPDFAMILY. I'm so sorry that you're family had go through this. Wow what a scary ordeal that would be with a firearm pointed at your child's door. I'm happy to hear that things are relatively peaceful for you in the last six months. I'm also glad to hear that you decided to rejoin us after an absence. It helps to talk to people that you can relate with.

Its been almost 6 months. The reality is that he is not changing. I am working through my codependency and I'm doing everything I can to make the right choices for the safety of our kids. It's impossible for me to completely stop loving my husband because I believe he truly is ill. I am 100% uncharted moral territory with every part of this. I fundamentally believe kids should have their father in their life so as I let go of this hope and fight for our marriage, I'm re-calibrating to do my part in accommodating his  fatherhood.

I commend you for thinking about the unconditional love that the kids have for both parents. I just wanted to say that it's sad that our pwBPD suffer from this serious mental illness but that being said, a mentally ill person still has the responsibility of taking care of their mental illness with therapy. I'd like to ask you were these feelings come from? Is it difficult to see him supervised at McDonald's, are you feeling sorry fo him? We'll walk with you through this, I think that it's important to have a balanced perspective.

[Soulcrushed4]

I'm sorry you and your kids are dealing with this.

Will be following this thread closely as I am in the beginning stages of the family court process and they are traditionally keen to ensure my child who is just over 1 has time (supervised) to start at some point with his father.
However as my ex is also facing numerous  criminal charges and there is a one year protection order which includes no contact with our child I am not clear how it will all end up.

The thought of my little one being in a sterile supervised access centre which in my area don't seem to be regulated is causing me anxiety.

I go back and forth on how I feel as although I think children  have a right to a relationship with both parents  ... .will it truly be of benefit? I feel it is out of my hands though and the courts will ultimately decide what they will decide.

[RiseAbove]

Its been almost 6 months. The reality is that he is not changing. I am working through my codependency and I'm doing everything I can to make the right choices for the safety of our kids. It's impossible for me to completely stop loving my husband because I believe he truly is ill. I am 100% uncharted moral territory with every part of this.

I'm sorry you are going through all this as well. I was married to my xBPD for 17yrs and then in the span of a year or so the wheels literally fell off the bus. Just like you described, I didn't see all the evidence over time for what it was-- when you are lost in the FOG you only see disconnected pieces, not the whole picture. The whole picture is truly painful, because once you see it (and friends + family start reinforcing that it was there all along) you have to deal with recognizing and defining the SO's illness along with figuring out why YOU didn't see it. Why YOU were codependent/enabling for so long. The moral territory as you called it isn't black-&-white, at least in my opinion it is gray and changes colors at different times. You feel guilt for "not being understanding and emotionally strong" but then you feel shame that you can't seem to stand up for yourself or children. When you do defend yourself, it creates even more stress (and in your case danger) so then you wonder if it's really worth it. Does any of this sound familiar?

One of the most important realizations for me was when I finally saw the big picture of BPD I couldn't pretend any more that my xBPD was going to change. That recognition was critical to my decision-making process, because hope was finally trumped by reality. And reality was that my xBPD was hell-bent on breaking our relationship (affairs, lying, deceit, emotional abuse, etc) and no amount of "love" was going to change that. So in my case, it wasn't about morals or ethics but rather a logical question: if this person has shown that this is how they are going to treat me, and, I have to assume their behavior is not going to change, can I live with/accept it? My answer was 'no' and that began my journey into essentially a rebirth.

[mybluemoon89]

The whole picture is truly painful, because once you see it (and friends + family start reinforcing that it was there all along) you have to deal with recognizing and defining the SO's illness along with figuring out why YOU didn't see it. Why YOU were codependent/enabling for so long. The moral territory as you called it isn't black-&-white, at least in my opinion it is gray and changes colors at different times. You feel guilt for "not being understanding and emotionally strong" but then you feel shame that you can't seem to stand up for yourself or children. When you do defend yourself, it creates even more stress (and in your case danger) so then you wonder if it's really worth it. Does any of this sound familiar?

Yes here I am. And thank you all 3 for replying! The most challenging part is to dig into what has made me a character in his story for all this time and what role I've really played. I'm practicing active forgiveness of myself. It truly is a "rebirth"

[RiseAbove]

Good for you! Rebirth is not a bad goal at all, though keep in mind that is something the BPD really doesn't want to see. That would in essence show you are moving on to new things, and ultimately abandoning them. That has been my experience-- every positive step forward I make seems to be a trigger for my xBPD, and causes an escalation of the FOG tactics. The stories I can tell... .I just shake my head at the absurdity of it all, and yet it is my reality.

Watch out for the BPD being desperate to pull you back into the drama, and as you read all around this support group that is very difficult thing to stay out of in your "rebirth" stage. If you have been with your BPD for any great length of time you have absolutely created co-dependencies and they know all your buttons. For example, in my case I have always tried to overcompensate by being a great dad to my kids, knowing that many of the lessons they are learning from their mom are tainted by BPD. She therefore has attacked my parenting, and escalated over the last year to having her lawyer right a letter to me saying they were going to file a motion for sole custody because I was "imperiling the children's faith in God." Of course this was complete b*s, but then she called Child Investigation Services to investigate me for child abuse. Once the investigator interviewed my children, and then met me, he basically laughed it all off. (I wasn't laughing) These are passive-aggressive moves that keep the BPD out of the actual emotional reality, and let them stay in their own heads.

I guess what I'm saying to you (and me too) is that you should expect the BPD to escalate, and you need to prepare for that.

[mybluemoon89]

If you have been with your BPD for any great length of time you have absolutely created co-dependencies and they know all your buttons.

Boy I know that's true! He is an expert on my emotions and has 10 years of practice using my insecurities to his full advantage. I am fully prepared and even expect him to challenge my parenting in some way... .probably by claiming harm and reporting to ocs. He could care less about the baby boy since he hasn't had much time to bond with him, but our 7 year old is his princess. As mud is getting flung at me, I do think it's important to validate his love for her. In the long run, that is the best response to get any kind of traction for communication. "I hear you"

The mantra is something like:

"no one is saying you don't love her or that you would ever choose to harm her, your choices for your own life however (suicide threats, verbally attacking me her mom, threatening to "take" her etc) can hurt her. You have a choice."