8 years relationship and 2 kids – co parenting arrangements

[MiaP]

My ex husband of 8 years moved out of the house six months ago. We have a daughter together who is 3 and his daughter from his first marriage, 14, also stayed with me.

He comes over three times a weeks to spend time with the two of them. The youngest is always very happy to see him and sad when he leaves. The oldest comes out for meals and spends the rest of the time in her room so as to have minimum interaction with her father.

He hasn’t really asked to take them out or to be alone with them, he mentioned that a couple of times but more like a threath to me because he interacts more or less with the youngest if she’s happy and playing but simply can’t handle the situation if she’s crying or upset about something so I always have to be around. The oldest, as she grew up started to be accused and critised for everything so now she doesn’t want to be around him. He’s usually only there for a few hours.

For the time being that’s the arragements we have but I don’t know how I’ll make it work in the future, when vacations, holidays, and birthdays come, especially because I don’t think he’ll be able to behave normally around others from my family because he developed such a strong hatred towards some of them. 

Anyone in a similiar situation can please share what king of co parenting arrangements have worked?

[Turkish]

That his child from a previous r/s stayed with you is unconventional, though from what you've said I don't blame her (and it's good that she has you!). What is your legal status with her as a parent, and also with your youngest?

We've seen this a lot here,  sadly, the somewhat abandoning parent. Sometimes, we've seen parents try to make the other parent be a parent. Is that how you may feel?

[MiaP]

I have been her step mother for all this time but we have no legal status, nothing is written down on paper and the same with my youngest. I would feel safer if things were defined and had a legal basis but on the other hand just the tought of a legal battle with their father makes me shudder... .

It's very difficult to talk to him since in his mind I'm the one who abandoned him. I feel completly alone and I have all the responsability for taking care of the children while at the same time I'm accused of all sorts of things like that he doesn't have enough time with the children (in fact, he can come to the house as many times as he wants and when he is with them it's as if he's there physicaly but his mind is somewhere else, the youngest keeps calling "daddy, daddy, look at this" and he keeps his eyes on his phone all the time!).

So, I think it's like you say, I keep trying to make him be the parent they need but unfortunatly I don't think that's going to happen. When D14 was younger it was better, but as she became older he just started to be extremely critical of everthing about her and she sometimes says "I just can't talk to him anymore". I'm afraid that in time, that's what's going to happen with the youngest... .