Sort of a confessional

[Leaflet]

The other day I read that children of BPDs tend to have issues with migraines and other stress related afflictions. I get a really bad headaches after I talk to my therapist about my Mom, especially if I talk about some of the things my Mom has said to me in the past. My Mom would call me a slut in high school, and tell me that my sister was dressing slutty because she was trying to imitate me. After I got divorced she told me that I would never have a good relationship with anyone because I don't know how to be part of a family. (My ex husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. My Mom witnessed a lot of the abuse, but I guess she just felt like being mean the day she said that to me.) Then, sometimes she'll turn around and say that she loves me more than anything in the world and if something happened to me or my sister, she'd die.

I find it really difficult to tell my therapist these things. There is a very deep part of me that feels like I am betraying my Mom for showing this side of her. It made me realize that I have been hiding my Mom's abusive side for years, just like I hid the abuse I was going through with my ex-husband. My therapist was shocked by some of the things my Mom said to me, and it surprised me because my Mom's comments have been a part of life for me for so long. I didn't realize how much I had internalized what my Mom said until my therapist told me that the stuff my Mom said is really hurtful and absolutely not true.

I feel like, for the last several years, I have been recreating my internal compass for human interaction. I had no idea that my relationship with my ex husband was abusive until I started going to therapy and the therapist showed me the Power and Control Wheel. I had no idea that relationships weren't supposed to be stressful, volatile things until I started going to therapy. Now, I have a daughter, and I don't understand some of the things my Mom did to me when I was a child. I'm trying to raise my daughter in a calm, structured environment, and I'm learning brand new tools for coping with others. I feel like I don't have a map for how to do all of this, so I'm learning as I go. Other people have their parents' relationship to look back on and model, but kids of BPD parents don't.

I guess, mostly, I just want to put in writing that the things my mother said to me were destructive, and they don't define me. I will not ever say those things to my daughter. When I hear my Mom's voice in my head I am going to think of something nice someone else said about me and consciously believe the positive comment.

[HappyChappy]

Hi Leaflet,

Thanks for sharing, because I have felt the same way as you due to my BPD mom. I also found it helpful recounting some of the traumas of my childhood on this website, so please feel free to let it all out. 

I also have several wonderful kids. My sister also teaches parenting classes (I know) and I would say that we children of BPD are very unlikely to repeat the mistakes of a BPD because there is such as thing as parental instincts. BPD don’t have this, for obvious reasons. So the only danger would be if we are unaware of the damage we took as kids and therefore take parenting advice from our BPD mothers. But as you are on this website, learning and healing, that is also unlikely happen. Knowledge is power, so give yourself a medal for surviving your childhood and giving your kid a better one than we had.   

[Leaflet]

Thanks, Happy Chappy! It is my goal to give my daughter a good childhood. It is amazing how many people have gone through similar things. I'm glad to hear it is unlikely that I will repeat the actions of my Mom. I worry about that a lot.

[Harri]

Hi Leaflet.  How are you?

Your headaches in therapy may be a result of opening deeply hidden areas that are full of pain.  I started back to herapy in July/August of last year and I would get a horrible headache (sometimes nausea too) in my sessions that would last for a day or two.  I finally stated to pre-medicate with a low dose anti-nausea med and 2 tylenol.  Over the months it has gotten better, but can still be an issue for me.  I see it as necessary to the healing process for me.

As for feeling like you are betraying your mother, well, I think that is a natural consequence of having spent most of your life protecting her, covering up for her and denying yourself.  The things your mother said to you *are* false.  They are hurtful lies most likely born of projection. (Yes, I know you figured all of this out, I just want to add my voice to those calling her statements about you for what they are:  lies and distortions of a mentally ill person)  Are you familiar with projection?  People with BPD often use it to project all of the self-loathing, shame and hatred they have inside them onto others because they can't stand seeing those qualities in theirself. 

Reminding yourself of the good things others have said about you is a good strategy.  You can also remind yourself that the things she said are a reflection of how she really feels about herself.

Good for you for working on this.  I suggest you continue to push through the hesitation to talk about these things in therapy.  it will be hard because you have been conditioned over many years to remain silent.  Like anything new, it will feel uncomfortable and awkward and maybe even wrong... .do it anyway.  You are totally worth it!  and don't forget to pre-medicate if necessary!   

[Panda39]

Hi Leaflet,

I'm part of the BPD family because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).  They also have 2 daughters.

... .My Mom would call me a slut in high school, and tell me that my sister was dressing slutty because she was trying to imitate me. After I got divorced she told me that I would never have a good relationship with anyone because I don't know how to be part of a family. (My ex husband was verbally and emotionally abusive. My Mom witnessed a lot of the abuse, but I guess she just felt like being mean the day she said that to me.) Then, sometimes she'll turn around and say that she loves me more than anything in the world and if something happened to me or my sister, she'd die.

I have witnessed the same type of behavior in my SO's ex regarding their daughters, she is either overly indulgent or neglectful.  She has never been able to be a consistent parent who is able to provide what her children need.  It is that "all or nothing" "black and white" thinking and behavior and it is very confusing and hurtful.

And as to the rest of the quote above you are in no way responsible for the abuse of your ex husband.  I hope you know that and are no accepting blame for something he did.

I find it really difficult to tell my therapist these things. There is a very deep part of me that feels like I am betraying my Mom for showing this side of her. It made me realize that I have been hiding my Mom's abusive side for years, just like I hid the abuse I was going through with my ex-husband. My therapist was shocked by some of the things my Mom said to me, and it surprised me because my Mom's comments have been a part of life for me for so long. I didn't realize how much I had internalized what my Mom said until my therapist told me that the stuff my Mom said is really hurtful and absolutely not true.

Regarding your mom's nasty comments, I don't have a BPDmom but I can relate to negative, critical comments.  I have come to "radical acceptance" in terms of the relationship I have with my mother.  I will never be the daughter she wants me to be and she will never be the mother I want her to be.  Now when I'm at the receiving end of one of those cutting remarks I just think to myself (and I truely believe) that, her comment is about her, her issues and not me or mine.  I can let it go because it is her truth and not mine.

Have you ever thought that you might have been "conditioned" by your mom to keep quiet? 

I like the others here want to encourage you to push through that uncomfortable feeling your having discussing your mom.  Keep talking, keep working through it, process it, and then comes understanding, facing the issues and comes healing. 

I'll modify a saying that I know from a weight loss program to fit here... .

Living with the damage of a difficult childhood is hard and Going through therapy to heal is hard... .Choose your hard.

I feel like, for the last several years, I have been recreating my internal compass for human interaction. I had no idea that my relationship with my ex husband was abusive until I started going to therapy and the therapist showed me the Power and Control Wheel. I had no idea that relationships weren't supposed to be stressful, volatile things until I started going to therapy. Now, I have a daughter, and I don't understand some of the things my Mom did to me when I was a child. I'm trying to raise my daughter in a calm, structured environment, and I'm learning brand new tools for coping with others. I feel like I don't have a map for how to do all of this, so I'm learning as I go. Other people have their parents' relationship to look back on and model, but kids of BPD parents don't.

If you can't find the model you are looking for in your family, look outside of them, look at your friends, the parents of your daughters friends, or someone you admire at work. 

I for example had for a long time not been able to ask for what I needed.  I couldn't ask for fear of being rejected, made to feel weak or stupid for asking, or of hurting someone else's feelings. Then I would get frustrated and resentful because I couldn't bring myself to ask.   I have a co-worker who is great at asking for what she needs in a way that is really diplomatic so I started to mirror her behaviors.

None of us have the playbook for parenting perfectly and it's even harder when you have been raised in a dysfunctional environment to always know what to do.  What I do hear in your post is your love for your daughter, the desire to be a good mom, the desire to remove the dysfunction from her life, and the desire to work on yourself to improve her life and yours.  That is a good mom.   Keep working on yourself and so much will follow.

I guess, mostly, I just want to put in writing that the things my mother said to me were destructive, and they don't define me. I will not ever say those things to my daughter. When I hear my Mom's voice in my head I am going to think of something nice someone else said about me and consciously believe the positive comment.

You keep talking and we will keep listening.
Take Care, 
Panda39

[Leaflet]

Thanks, again, to everyone who has written back and offered support. It does help to hear that it is not me. I hope that you all have success in coping with your BPD individuals as well. 

[Fie]

Hello Leaflet  

After I got divorced she told me that I would never have a good relationship with anyone because I don't know how to be part of a family.

Well, your mother was wrong wasn't she. You have a daughter, so you already *are* part of a family.

Society still puts a lot of emphasis on the fact that a traditional family consists of at least three people. Luckily today more and more people choose to leave an unhappy relationship.

I am a single mum, my daughter is 8 and I completely consider us a family - a small one  :-)

My mum was BPD too and also me I got my share of destructive relationships because of unhealthy dynamics I learned in my FOO. After my last relationship I decided something should change.  


I think us children of BPD can make excellent parents, on the condition that we are aware of the lousy parenting skills our parents had - like HappyChappy pointed out.

I feel like I don't have a map for how to do all of this, so I'm learning as I go. Other people have their parents' relationship to look back on and model, but kids of BPD parents don't.

I know what you mean here. But actually we do have a model. We have a model on how to *not* do it.

I want to echo Harri and tell you that also I think that it's very much ok to talk to your therapist about your mum. Children of BPD were groomed to have their parents' feelings. In a way we were seen as their extension, not as a separate person. So of course it feels awkward to talk 'bad' about them. But we do not talk about them to harm them, that's crucial. We do it because we are also important, and it's the only way we will be able to heal.

If for now you cannot yet do this for yourself without feeling guilty, you might deal with it better realizing that your daughter will be grateful later for this. If you entangle your childhood (which includes of course talking about the way your mum interacted with you) and work with this, your child's happiness will increase for sure.

xx