Inner child healing and fantasies -update

[Please help]

I try to stay with one thing at a time in my mind and keep asking myself why, why, why.

As you can read from earlier posts I made, I created a fantasy world to deal with my painful reality and I am trying to break free from it.

My first few years of life were in this town so I have innocent memories of bike riding etc, Parents split when I was a bit under 10 and things went crazy. No real stability or place to call home from that point on. Managed to keep in touch with a few buddies and when I turned 18, I moved back to this community. I was embraced and felt loved by these guys. It was the first real sense of family I had in many years. That may be why I am so hung up on losing them over 20 years ago and it hurts to think of what I lost.

It was the warm embrace they gave me. I had been so beaten down by life and my crazy family.

I am realizing now that it was transactional and most friendships are. We were there for each other and we all moved on. I got much more out of the relationships than they did but that is okay.

After all I had been through, them accepting me meant the world. I was and still am so grateful. Most of them were potheads and would be shocked if they knew how I felt. I was just some guy to smoke weed with.  I tell my 16-17 year old self a few of these guys will be life long friends and the others are just ships passing in the night.  I can almost see my young self smile a bit and understand the wisdom of what I am saying.


Do we all see the damage BPD people do to us?

I feel as thought my life will be filled with these small "breakthroughs"   I am realizing my obsession with this town and these guys who I knew 20 years ago is finally going away bit by bit.  We all want family and community.

Your thoughts please

Thanks

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY PLEASE HELP:    

As you can read from earlier posts I made, I created a fantasy world to deal with my painful reality and I am trying to break free from it.     

  I think we all need a healthy means of escape.  For some it might be exercise, participating in sports, viewing sports, reading, music, meditation, etc.

What have you replaced your fantasy world with?

Do we all see the damage BPD people do to us?

Just as there are differences in the degree and type of BPD behavior, there are differences in the perception of damage.  Not every family member of a pwBPD has the same experience.  The golden child and the sibling who is painted black may never agree regarding the damage their mom inflicted on the one that was painted black.

I think some people suffer in silence, and just live with the situation and defend the pwBPD (codependent spouse?). 

I am realizing now that it was transactional and most friendships are. We were there for each other and we all moved on. I got much more out of the relationships than they did but that is okay.     

Some people maintain certain friendships for a lifetime, but I tend to think like you that most friendships are transitional.  We graduate, move, get a new job, marry, retire, etc.  Our situations and interests evolve over time.

Sometime, friendships just happen, but other times, we need to put ourselves in situations to make new friends.  Are you taking any action to make new friends?

[HappyChappy]

Hi Please help me,

You make a good point, I know I have relied on friends more than family. I was very ill recently and my friends paid for medical care, even though they knew my FOO had the money. They didn’t even question that, they kinda knew. Also your question about   can people see the damage. My friend use to point out how strange my BPD and NPD were, and even question if we were related. But they never thought I was odd (well they never said). But everyone is a little different/odd just my NPD screamed odd.

You also mentioned   your friends were pot heads. It is common for those trying to forget, to be fond off pot. Maybe you had more in common than you through, birds of a feather. I know my close friends have often had prejudice to overcome, or oppressive parents,  as a common theme among us. We do pick up signs subconsciously. Or maybe that's just me.  

On your point about   everyone needs friends and family. A friend from a children’s home showed me an article, which is in another thread on here called "do you need to belong". It points out that we do need to belong, and that doesn’t necessitate having blood or family, it’s more about having multiple positive interactions and a feeling of lover. So it sounds like you had that with your friends, but maybe not so much with your family. But if so, the good news is it doesn't have to be in that town and with those people. It doesn't have to come from family. We can create belonging anywhere anytime. A common interest, is maybe all you need to start that. Clubs, groups at work, this forum can all create a sense of belonging. So does any of this answer you questions ? Do you have any more questions ?  

[Notwendy]

I can relate to retreating to a fantasy world as a coping mechanism as a child, and being overwhelmed by the kindness of friends- when it probably meant less to them at the time. Or maybe not. I was very attached to some of my friends as a teen, and later realized their parents were going through issues as well.

As life has it, we live far from each other, but can connect through Facebook. Most are busy and have families. I am sure that we are different people in ways. The biggest loss was when we all separated and went off to college. That was a tough time for me. However, I also know that I would be upset to lose contact with them on Facebook. I enjoy seeing their family pictures and their kids grow up. I respect the boundaries of time, family, marriages, and distance. I don't even know if we lived in the same town if we'd still be friends.

But my inner child treasures the fact that someone cared about me, when I didn't feel loved by my family at the time. They may not be aware of the extent of how much their friendship meant at the time, but I am grateful for it.

The adult me understands the need to live in the present, not the past, with the friends and family I have now. We can cherish our memories, and be grateful for people who cared about us along the way- and take that hope that people can and do care about us now- and we care about them.

[Please help]

Thank you all for the feedback. I was coming off such a bad period in my life that made the intensity of these relationships  much deeper than usual.  I had just moved out of a horrible living situation and knew most everyone in my life hated me except these guys. I had spent the past 2 years prior toying with the idea of suicide. I told myself I only had 1-2 years left of school then I could leave. I heard my step mother telling someone on the phone she saw me with a noose around my neck in the garage and she didn't do anything as she was hoping I would kill myself. This really did not surprise me. At 16-17, I knew I was completely unwanted. I can guarantee almost everyone in my family would be hard-pressed to name 1 wrong thing I did to any of them. The biggest crime I committed was being born.

I made the mistake of putting this group of people so high up in life that they were my rock of Gilbraltar. It's really crazy that when we all went our separate ways 20 some odd years ago, I never felt the same.


This should have been a natural transition of people moving from one group to the next. This is a clearly a dysfunctional carryover from growing up the way i did. I  try to form relationships too deeply right away. The idea of dating when I was younger was equally painful. After  a few dates, we should be married , not this light-hearted relationship where I do not know where I stand. I also made some socially awkward moves in my mid 20's trying to re-create this group with others. I can see it now.

Many of us wonder what "issues" we have from growing up around BPD people.

I am pointing out mine and grateful all of you are here to help me heal. It's true , we do not get away from dysfunctional FOO without wounds. It's difficult locating these injuries and when we do, we must work to heal them. That is what I am trying to do.

I look at my little boy and wonder how the hell could my parents not have any interest in meeting him. I did reach out via indirect channels to inform them he was born. There was no interest.  I think that hard rejection may have triggered me regressing back to my late teen years when I had that rock of Gibraltar. Wow - a breakthrough.  

It's okay to have BPD people hate you. It takes a strong person to truly say and feel that. "Judge me by my friends and enemies".

I hope you get some insight into yourself as I continue my struggle.

Thank you very much !

[Notwendy]

It makes sense. The first boyfriend I had meant the world to me at the time. Fortunately, I still kept a focus on how young we were and that marriage was something on neither of our radar for a long time. But it was overwhelming in a good way to feel that somebody cared about me. When we all went our separate ways to college, the loss was profound. I also tried to recreate those bonds in my new environment, but it wasn't the same.

I had no illusions about teen romance being more than that, but it felt like I was separated from a family member.

Now, as a mother of teens, I realize that is way too young and way too large a burden on any adolescent to be that kind of rock for someone else. I'm glad I didn't put that burden on him by making more of things than they were. The memory of my friends is a bright one during my adolescence.

I also realize that healing the inner child is way too large a burden and expectation to put on an adult relationship. I know that I've made the assumption in the past that I need someone else to love me to feel loved and to look for that love or approval, or acceptance in someone else. I think this sets us up for dysfunction in relationships- both romantic and friends. Some of us are attracted to (trying to) fill that need in others like we wished someone did for us.

As teens we may have found friends who filled a need in us, but it was not their place to do so, it is ours. It isn't easy to do the work of healing the hurt and rejection we felt as kids, but when we do, we are better for it.  Keep doing this important work.

[Please help]

Hello All,

  I was posting in a thread about 25 years no contact. Recently had my gmother die (did not know her much) and saw mother's side of family up close. They all hate each other. Years ago, much of the anger was directed at me. I now realize they hated each other all along but it was easier and less confrontational to put down the little boy instead of being mature and confronting the adults (my parents) for bad behavior.

 I am telling my 16-17 year old self and my young self (5-7) that I love them very much and as they take beatings physically and emotionally , I too feel the pain and am right there with them. I can feel the warm embrace much like I do when hugging my baby.

 Although I can see the sadness in my younger self, I can also see they are at least no longer confused why everyone hates them. I can now with real confidence tell them everyone hates each other as they are all messed up. Unfortunately, the family dynamics have animosity pointed to you.

I can still feel the pain of my inner child at different stages dealing with bouts of sadness and despair. At least my inner child has an older friend to see them through the mess.

  I can best describe my 16-17 year old self as yearning for companionship in lieu of a family. I am telling my 16-17 year old self that wanting female companionship and buddies to hang around with is good. However, right now it's best to stay strong and work to get out of this messy living situation.

  It honestly feels great. I am certain we have all been alone at various points in time and so far down on our asses we could not see up. Imagine  if a stable friend showed up at that point and helped guide us to a good place in life. I suppose that what  parents should do for kids.

 Thanks for listening