Splitting and BPD sister

[peacebthejourney]

I just read an old thread about BPD splitting and I'm thinking about it:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0

I see the all good or all bad dynamic strongly in how my sister responds to me. For quite awhile I've been all good. I've been all bad before in her eyes and I think I am quickly heading there again.

When she sees me as all good, I can relate to the fact that I feel odd. It's unrealistic. And when she's in this mode, I end up sensing at different times that she might be manipulating me. She can send out many helpless waif signals and work to try to get me into the hero mode. I grew up as the hero/caretaker child in our home as children, so it takes lots of energy and work on my part to resist the hero invitations. I remind myself over and over--she isn't helpless, she is an adult, she copes better around other people, our old roles in the family of origin make this situation more trying/stressful.

When she sees me as all bad, its because I take a stand of practicing self-care for myself and she doesn't like it at all if it interferes with me giving her as much time with me as she feels I must provide.  At least that is as clear as I can understand it at this time.

I am practicing improving boundaries to see if this improves the situation. But I am also struggling with the growing awareness that her view is effected by her disorder and she isn't seeking any professional help nor acknowledging her diagnosis.

Can I consistently give her the type of responses that will keep sound boundaries in place while she lives in my basement? Am I up to that effort in my current physical condition? Would our relationship have a better chance if we return to living in separate residences? I wish the answers were easy.

[Kwamina]

Hi again peacebthejourney

Being able to identify these dynamics and behaviors is an important first step. If you haven't done so already, I also encourage you to take a look at the so-called Karpman Drama Triangle as this relates to the various roles you describe:

The drama triangle was originally conceived (1968-1972) by Karpman as a way of graphically displaying the complex interaction that occurs between people embroiled in pathological conflict.
... .
Karpman observed that in conflict and drama, there is "good guy vs bad guy" thinking. He also observed that the participants become drawn in, even seduced, by the energy that the drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.
Karpman defined three roles in the "transaction"; Persecutor, Rescuer (the one up positions) and Victim (one down position). Karpman placed these three roles on an inverted triangle and described them as being the three aspects, or faces of drama.
... .
Karpman's triangle is a simple tool for conceptualizing the dynamics of dysfunctional roles in conflict and for mapping the role changes as the conflict grows.

Do you feel like the Karpman triangle applies to the family dynamics you experienced growing up and are now re-experiencing with your sister?

There's also a so-called Caring Triangle / Winning Triangle that helps us stay out of Karpman Drama Dynamics:

In 1990, Acey Choy M.Ed., PTSTA, introduced the Winning Triangle in the Transactional Analysis Journal as the antithesis of the Karpman Triangle. Her work has been heralded by Dr. Karpman as "excellent". Choy contrasts the unhealthy dynamics of each role of the Karpman triangle with healthy dynamics:
- Assert rather than persecute
- Be vulnerable, but not a victim
- Be caring, but don't overstep (rescue)

You can read more here: Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

[peacebthejourney]

Hi again,

I read about the triangle last night. I have experienced being the rescuer and the victim. I can not relate to the persecuter at all. One time I took a self-defense class for women with my sister. The instructor asked me to pretend that I was hitting my sister with a stick so she could practice blocking. I absolutely could not do it. I could punch or kick a bag, I could not even pretend to hit a person.

When I read about the center position, I was encouraged. I have spent a lot of time in the center position with my sister in our adult years. Caring/empathetic but not caretaking, assertive, and vulnerable/being real without being a victim. Our problem now is that my stress has climbed way higher due to my own health (and due to having my sister in my home space). I recognize that I am feeling more like a victim right now, but I am continually turning my attention to the fact that I do have choices and working on figuring out what will be the best choice.

[Kwamina]

One time I took a self-defense class for women with my sister. The instructor asked me to pretend that I was hitting my sister with a stick so she could practice blocking. I absolutely could not do it. I could punch or kick a bag, I could not even pretend to hit a person.

Why do you think it was that you could not pretend doing this? Do you still remember the thoughts going through your mind as your were trying to do this exercise? What were you feeling at the time?

I am continually turning my attention to the fact that I do have choices and working on figuring out what will be the best choice.

You're on the right track