Getting my sister to accept she has a problem and get the help she needs

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I will try and keep my intro to my situation short.  My sister always had a  struggle with depression, self-harm and a need for emotional support from anyone who will give it.
The past few months she's been in a toxic relationship with her girlfriend who's a heroine addict. I gave the girl the benefit of the doubt when she relapsed a few months into their relationship, but it changed my sister. She started going down a path of self harm, alcohol, and doing drugs (which she's never touched before).  She's lost two jobs over the drinking and has been causing just tension between the family. Finally she cut ties with girlfriend as she found out she was cheating. I even saw the text messages. She felt clear minded said she's been sober.
Two days... .only two days went by and I find out she's back with girlfriend, she hasn't been sober.  So she's been lying to us and having friends lie for her when I ask her friends if she's been sober.  

I looked up BPD and been doing some research and I feel like this is my sister. I just don't know how to show her she has a problem. Whenever I try to catch her in a lie, it's always "that person is lying and I never said that". "I don't have a drinking problem" and now she feels the need she needs this girlfriend back in her life.  I think I'm done with the concerned sister approach and just not going to speak to her for a while but my mom is upset about that. I'm not sure why she tells people she barely knows that she needs serious help but to us she is fine, is it true? Is it just for emotional attention?

[smitty88]

I will try and keep my intro to my situation short.  My sister always had a  struggle with depression, self-harm and a need for emotional support from anyone who will give it.
The past few months she's been in a toxic relationship with her girlfriend who's a heroine addict. I gave the girl the benefit of the doubt when she relapsed a few months into their relationship, but it changed my sister. She started going down a path of self harm, alcohol, and doing drugs (which she's never touched before).  She's lost two jobs over the drinking and has been causing just tension between the family. Finally she cut ties with girlfriend as she found out she was cheating. I even saw the text messages. She felt clear minded said she's been sober.
Two days... .only two days went by and I find out she's back with girlfriend, she hasn't been sober.  So she's been lying to us and having friends lie for her when I ask her friends if she's been sober.  

I looked up BPD and been doing some research and I feel like this is my sister. I just don't know how to show her she has a problem. Whenever I try to catch her in a lie, it's always "that person is lying and I never said that". "I don't have a drinking problem" and now she feels the need she needs this girlfriend back in her life.  I think I'm done with the concerned sister approach and just not going to speak to her for a while but my mom is upset about that. I'm not sure why she tells people she barely knows that she needs serious help but to us she is fine, is it true? Is it just for emotional attention?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome smitty88:

I'm so sorry about your sister.  Unfortunately you can't change her or make her go to therapy.  She has to admit to her problems, want help and have a desire to change.

The only thing you have power over is to set boundaries to protect your self and to use certain communication skills that can improve the way you interact with your sister and how you react to her.  By using certain skills, you can make things better for you.

I think I'm done with the concerned sister approach and just not going to speak to her for a while but my mom is upset about that.

You have the right to set your own boundaries and protect your emotional and physical well being.  Some people take a break from the disordered person in their life and go no contact (NC) for a period of time.  Sometimes, while you take a break, it can be helpful to think about your boundaries, how you will enforce them and learn some communication skills.  You can change your contact level from NC to limited contact (LC) when needed.  

You say your mom is concerned that you are going NC with your sister.  :)oes your mom then to enable your sister?

You should find the quote below interesting, in regard to making a loved one seek help.

How Do I Make My Loved One Seek Help?  What happens next is as predictable as the change of seasons.
Stage 1: The BP says it's the non-BP who needs therapy, not the BP.

Stage 2: In desperation, often during a crisis, the non-BP finally resorts to an ultimatum such as, "Go to a therapist or I'm leaving you," or some other consequence. The non-BP hopes that once the BP is in therapy, the clinician will force their family member to see the light.
If you are serious about limiting or leaving the relationship and your family member knows this is true, this is the only thing I have seen really work to pursuade the disordered person to seek help.

Stage 3: Apprehensive that their loved one might actually carry out their threat, the BP agrees to see a therapist, perhaps with the partner or other family members. Therapy, however, goes nowhere. That's because even the best BPD clinicians can't help a patient who doesn't want to be helped.

Stage 4: Once the immediate threat dissipates, the BP finds some reason to drop out of therapy. This is especially true if the therapist is a good one, skilled at bringing the focus to the BP's core issues instead of reinforcing the BP's feelings of victimhood. However, if the therapist takes everything the BP says at face value without probing further—and this is not uncommon—the therapist may inadvertently reinforce the BP's twisted thinking, making things worse.

Stage 5: Eventually, the non-BP realizes that forced therapy is not going to work and that no one can "make" anyone do anything (a good life lesson, by the way). Sometimes the whole process needs to be repeated several times before this truism becomes evident.

Stage 6: Months or years later, the non-BP realizes that her efforts to change the other person simply added a thick second layer of conflict on top of the original issues. She becomes even more disillusioned, depressed, angry, and hopeless. As one person noted, "My attempt to invade the BPD's world with facts only caused more pain."
Note:  Quote is from "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder"

This article on,  Why Do Narcissists and Borderlines Lie So Much?,  can be helpful.

Perhaps this is a good time to do some research here and gather some tools.  There are links to several helpful lessons within the "Tools" menu inside the large green band at the very top of this page.  The boundaries lesson might be a good place to start.  What might be some boundaries you want to put in place with your sister?  Perhaps when you resume contact with her, you won't visit or communicate with her while she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol?   You could prepare some statements in advance to help you deal with a future situation calmly.  

[Charlie3236]

Hi smitty88 and welcome! I absolutely second what the wise NaughtyNibbler posted (and thanks for that excellent link btw Nibs that I hadn't come across yet!). I'm somewhere in the middle of this stages (once again!) with my BPD little sis... .Wanting her to be normal, loving, kind, a real sister, ya know! When all the while my awareness is growing that it will never be (short of a divine miracle), and trying to stay out of the FOG (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog).

Here's a few notes I've written to myself on my phone, to review when I start to get bogged down in the "what-ifs". Maybe they can help you too. (None of this is original, it is all copied from other people so hopefully none of it is copywrited! LOL)... .

Say this, "I want to have a respectful conversation with you, but I can tell you are upset.  I'm going to end this conversation for now.  I look forward to communicating again, when you are feeling better."

Then just walk away, hang up the phone, block her if you need to. You have every right to walk away from someone who is treating you like garbage.

You are the problem here because your expectations are off track.  You can see clear evidence that she is treating you and other people poorly, the logical move is to back away and protect your family.  It’s false hope that keeps us inappropriately connected.  You want what you can’t have – a sister you can trust who is your bff.  When you can accept the face value of your painful situation (dysfunctional relationship) instead of the fantasy, it gets easier to live with.

_____ is sick. You know she’s sick. Everyone knows she’s sick. Everyone knows she’s mentally ill and needs help. Except her. To her it’s the world that’s wrong.

People with BPD tend to exaggerate emotional issues and can be very angry and resentful. They also do not acknowledge the extent to which their emotions sway their perceptions. In general they do not know how emotionally intense they are unless they are aware of their condition. This often leaves the people around them to sort out what they're saying and why they are feeling the way they are. This is particularly true if the person with the disorder refuses to admit that they have a problem and still blames other people and their environment for their emotional situation.

You are still responding to your sister as though she were behaving predictably and reasonably -- you are hurt by her criticisms, and trying to make sense of them. You're not seeing the situation very clearly yet if you are still expecting her to make sense and be rational. You need to understand that, for now at least, your sister as you know her is gone.

Your sister is mentally ill and you should not let her tirades make you feel like a crappy person. Her tirades are pretty typical and are not based on any kind of reality the two of you actually share. You should not accept responsiblity for them or for her accusations. If you let her illness knock you down like this every time, you're going to burn out here in very short order.

She can't be "cured" and she will never get any better. The key to this relationship is to stay away from her. Do not engage in conversation. Do not try to reason with her. Do not go anywhere near her unless it's at a family function you absolutely, positively can't get out of attending.

She cannot give and receive love in any way that normal people understand it. Trying to have a caring relationship with an NPD/BPD person is like being hit repeatedly with a hard, blunt object (often soaked in drugs and/or alcohol). It only feels better when you stop.