Managing the Reality of the Endlessness of Parents BPD

[Pale Shelter]

Hello All,

I am here to manage my anger, sadness, trauma, etc. after growing up with a father with NPD who took his own life and a mother with BPD who is a constant source of turmoil and no other family still in my life as everyone has splintered off or been lost to addiction, mental illness, disease, etc. My husband comes from a background where, despite no one really having any mental health issues or addiction issues, they are very judgemental of those who do and I receive extremely little compassion or comfort from him. We have only been married a short while and I'm pretty sure he's almost completely devoid of feeling. Outwardly, he appears like a decent person, but I am alone and finding it devastating. I have a child (from first marriage) and am expecting another and am feeling vulnerable and afraid and its times like these when my mother smells my distress and her reactions significantly add to it. I forget what overwhelming emotions do to her for a bit and then I talk to her about it, but she cycles out afterward and I guess I have to learn to weigh the benefit of having someone to talk to vs. her actions and withdrawal afterward. I need to not feel so lonely. It really makes me despair sometimes.

Thank you for listening,
Pale Shelter

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Pale Shelter:   

Congratulations on your pregnancy!  It can be a time of high emotions.  I'm sorry that your mom is not there for you and is not equipped to offer understanding and support.   

I am here to manage my anger, sadness, trauma, etc. after growing up with a father with NPD who took his own life and a mother with BPD who is a constant source of turmoil and no other family still in my life as everyone has splintered off or been lost to addiction, mental illness, disease, etc.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father and your situation with your BPD mom.  Is there anyone else you can turn to for comfort, understanding and validation - perhaps a friend?  Have you thought about some therapy?

The Survivor's Guide might be helpful to work through.  Losing a parent to death is a grieving process that everyone goes through. People with a disordered parent (s) can have a little different grieving process.  Even though a parent is still alive, it can be a grieving process to deal with a disordered relationship, like with your mom. 

Do you feel that you still need to process grief in regard to your father's death, or it is mainly the grief over the disordered relationship you have with your mom?

My husband comes from a background where, despite no one really having any mental health issues or addiction issues, they are very judgmental of those who do and I receive extremely little compassion or comfort from him. We have only been married a short while and I'm pretty sure he's almost completely devoid of feeling. Outwardly, he appears like a decent person, but I am alone and finding it devastating. 

Do you have any thoughts regarding why your husband and his family of origin (FOO) are judgmental about people with mental illness?  Do you think they believe it is a sign of weakness?

What are some examples of situations where you husband won't offer compassion and comfort?  Sometimes, if you use certain communication skills, it can bring a better result.  The link below leads to a video on "I" Statements.  You might want to watch/listen to it.  It is a skill that could be helpful for you to use to express your feelings about hurtful or unacceptable situations.

"I" STATEMENTS

I have a child (from first marriage) and am expecting another and am feeling vulnerable and afraid   

Can you share some specifics about your feelings of being vulnerable and afraid?  Is it the upcoming birth process, the responsibility of another child or the feeling that it seems like you are going through your pregnancy alone (because those close to you aren't capable of support and compassion)?

Is it possible to join a support group for pregnant women?  Perhaps you doctor's office might have some suggestions.  It might help to have other pregnant women to interact with.

There are a lot of good lessons on communication skills here.  They are helpful in general to develop our emotional intelligence.  They can help us with our communications with normal people and those with personality disorders.  A good place to start learning is to go to the wide green band at the very top of this page.  You will find a menu there for "Tools".  Check out the links.  The lessons there can be helpful for interacting with your mom, your husband and your in-laws.

[joeramabeme]

and its times like these when my mother smells my distress and her reactions significantly add to it.

Hi Pale Shelter

I wanted to join Naughty Nibbler and Welcome you to BPD Family!   

Sorry to hear about your Dad and congratulations on your expected child.

I could really identify with this part of your post.  My Mother was very likely BP and it can be very conflicting to reach out to parents and instead of getting support, find that our problems multiply thereby leaving us feeling more alone. 

I realize you are new to this site but just wanted to share with you that, in time, I got to a place of relationship with my Mom where my boundaries were clearly defined and I did not keep going back to what I called "the empty well" looking for water. 

Part of the way I did this was by identifying who I could trust and get support from and then doing just that.  I also found that I was in an routine of going to my Mom even while know that she was "unavailable" in the way that I needed.  She loved me, did her best; but I was better served by not bringing certain issues to her. 

You will probably find this site a good resource to help you and I hope you keep posting.

Regards, JRB

[Notwendy]

Welcome- I think there are several of us who can identify with your situation. I am sorry about your father. The birth of a new child is just wonderful.

Not having a supportive mother does leave us without the experience of someone to turn to as a child and as an adult. What I found I had to do was find other people to confide in. This isn't easy as we aren't used to doing this- as well as don't want to overwhelm our friendships and relationships.

For me personally, I felt therapy was an important way to be able to confide in someone and deal with the issues I had in my FOO. In addition to having someone to talk to- this relationship also led to personal growth- not only could I talk about things- I would get direction about changing the dysfunctional patterns I had learned in my childhood and learn new ones.

It was a therapist who suggested I attend 12 step co-dependency groups/ACA. I was a bit shocked at first as I assumed these groups were for people dealing with substance abuse or abusers, and that was not an issue for me. But the ACA ( adult child) group also deals with growing up with dysfunction. It was there that I experienced another supportive relationship- with a sponsor. It was hard at first to trust that she cared enough to listen to me and help me, but she did.

The difference between confiding in a friend, or spouse, and a T or sponsor is that while a friend can lend a sympathetic ear, that can also keep you stuck. Sometimes we need compassion and then- a bit of tough love- someone pointing out ways we could change. While our friends and spouses are important, it is probably best that they don't fill this role for us.

I think in general, it isn't possible for a spouse to meet all our emotional needs. I think the marital boundaries are important- some things should only be between spouses, but we also need to have other friends in our lives. It isn't good to confide marital issues with a friend though. A therapist provides the kind of confidentiality needed to deal with marital issues, and also doesn't lead to problems like triangulation which could happen with a third person.