Should I stay or should I go? Is there hope when they don't want help?

[G.G.]

Greetings!
Thank you for offering a place to discuss these topics.

I have been married for 20 years to someone with undiagnosed BPD with some mild NPD, and sexual addiction thrown in the mix. My children and I (and our employees) had lived on the roller coaster for years. We were confused by the Jekyll/Hyde personalities that emerged in the man we all love. Then one day I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the light bulbs went on! There was a name and an explanation for this insanity we had been living. It was a big turning point for me. I was able to forgive him. I began to have compassion for his battle. I also know I cannot fix him.

I am separated from my husband as a result of ongoing pornography, alcohol addictions and emotional abuse. He says all of these are the result of not enough sex. Mind you, he was unfaithful to all 32 of his sexual partners over the years prior to marriage, cheating on each relationship. He will say he is sorry for the porn, but blame me for it. And he will not get help. I have been in counseling for several months and it has made all the difference for me. God gave me strength to move out.

My children had lived in that place of fear that so many describe. They never knew which Daddy would walk in the door, Mr. Nice or Mister Mad. Irrational behavior showed me that he was not in control of his emotions and placed us in some potentially unsafe situations. Now that we live separately, there is finally peace in our home. However, he is pressuring me to come back and resume the marriage.

I am asking if anyone out there has a testimony for their spouse overcoming this disorder. He is a good man, under all of the junk. I know all things are possible with God, but we must say "yes" and yield to His spirit.

I am afraid to stay, and I'm afraid to divorce! Any advice would be appreciated.  Thank you!|iiii

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome G.G.:   

I'm sorry for what you have been through.  Sounds like you have a tough decision to make.  You say you finally have peace in your home, after your separation.  I can understand your conflict, as to whether to take him back.  I'm glad you are getting therapy and that it is helping you.

I am asking if anyone out there has a testimony for their spouse overcoming this disorder. He is a good man, under all of the junk. I know all things are possible with God, but we must say "yes" and yield to His spirit. . .Now that we live separately, there is finally peace in our home. However, he is pressuring me to come back and resume the marriage.   

Perhaps, a condition for him coming back would be to complete a certain amount of therapy and show proof that he is working on changing his bad behavior

You are right in saying you can't change him.  The only thing that you can do is to manage the way you interact with him and react to him.  Using certain communication skills can make things easier for you.  There are links to some good tools in the margin to your right and within the "Tools" menu inside the large green band at the very top of this page.

What type of potentially harmful situations has your husband place you in? 

This can be a good place to practice some of the lessons.  Some people like to post about what they read in a given lesson, check their understand and gain some input, as they try to apply a lesson to their specific situation.

There are a lot of helpful people.  We look forward to hearing more of your story.

[vortex of confusion]

I can't give testimony to somebody overcoming the disorder.

I can give testimony to how difficult it is to trust somebody that has a sex addiction. My husband of 18 years moved out last year and it has been the best thing for me and our kids.

Yes, he is a good man under all of the disorder. There is a lot about my ex that I think is great. However, that doesn't come through because of the addictions and other weirdness. You can't separate the good from the bad. It is all one package and the likelihood of him making any kind of significant and sustainable change isn't likely. It isn't impossible. It is highly unlikely unless he gets some serious help.

I agree with Naughty Nibbler. Are there some boundaries that you can put in place? For example, I told ex that I was going to limit his time with the kids until he sought help or started doing something different. Why should I trust him if he hadn't done anything different? Yes, he was going to his 12 step SA meetings but that was it. He was living with somebody from his SA group. That guy got arrested and ex got kicked out.

I had a lot of hope for a really long time. The hardest part is being realistic. What do you think you can realistically handle? Do you think you can go back if nothing changes?