I don't think I can let him wallow anymore

[WitzEndWife]

For the past two and a half weeks, my uHwBPD has been in the throes of deep depression. He won't face my parents, who own the house, because he says he feels bad about himself that he doesn't have a job. It's getting worse and worse. He won't leave the bedroom all day, except to pee and get the mail. At night, when I come home from a long work day, he greets me, and he might eat dinner with us at the table, but he quickly finishes his food, clears his plate, and goes back to the bedroom. I get my clothes ready for the next day, as I have to get up early, and set up things in the bathroom downstairs for myself, but when I get ready for bed and go to the bedroom, that's when he gets up, and leaves the bedroom. From there, he stays locked in the downstairs bathroom until 3 or 4 in the morning, despite the fact that I've pleaded with him to come to bed, and have worried about him. At first I thought he had some kind of medical bathroom issue, but, at one point, he told me that the bathroom was the place where he could be alone.

He doesn't shower, eats very little. He'll only eat when we go out to eat, and, at that point, he eats until gorged, and drinks like crazy, guzzling beer after beer.

The weather has been nicer, and I've tried encouraging him to ride his bike, which is something he used to love, and he says he will, but he doesn't ride it anymore. I don't know what to do. He's spiraling into simply existing.

I can't do this anymore. He needs to get treatment. Can I insist on this? Can I give him an ultimatum? Is that even effective? My mother is suggesting I bring him to inpatient. I couldn't bring myself to do that, due to his history of abandonment, but I don't know what else to do.

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[isilme]

As depression goes, 2.5 weeks is really not that long.  I think he will probably need to wallow upto a few months to get sick of himself doing it wnad want to change.  I know that makes things hard on you and is a strain, but he is also making a marked protest of how much he hates living there, so he's going to eat worms until you buy him a house to move into.  Since I bet you can't do that, little else will shake him externally.  He has to get tired of this 'game'.  As a person with chronic depression myself, I am not negating or making light of it, but what I see in this post is a person trying to live a normal life stuck feeling responsible for someone else who is acting like a cranky child.  He's being Ralphie from a Christmas Story, hoping he can go blind and make you see how mean you all are to him for not undercooking veggies and for daring live in your own home (your parents).  It's distressing.  I have a person who tends towards this at home, but thank goodness over the years he's improved. 

If you really want to, I think you could probably insist on him getting some sort of treatment for depression.  There is no denying he is acting as someone severely depressed.  You can either go the medical route, or make him start some mood elevating supplements, like St. John's Wart.  H used St. John's Wart when he slid into depression, and even if it was just a placebo effect, if helped him weather it.  Kava Kava is another one, but can cause liver damage.  Prescription drugs can be weird, and also, have in some people been linked to suicidal ideation, so if you go for that choice, monitor his reactions to any meds.  Also, you could go through all that trouble, and he may refuse them.  To force admit/commit him, you'd have to prove he's a danger to others and himself, I think.  I tried to commit my mom  once, but she was clever enough for it not to work and they did not have the resources to keep her as well as people who are a danger to society under wraps.  So she's free to ruin her life and anyone close to her. 

Your H is not going to do things on his own - if you want him to ride his bike, YOU need to say, "LET'S go ride bikes/for a walk.  He probably IS feeling abandoned, and his own fault in it be damned.  I think the sun will help, but he has to be willing to go out.  I doubt your mom could encourage him to earn his keep by doing yard work. 

You could also see about making it less comfortable for him in some way, like forcing him from his den.  This could be rough on your mom as you are working all day, but a home repair, renovation, something in that room or that makes him need to be out of it at parts of the day may need to be started. 

I think pleading with him is just feeding the depression/attempted guilt-tripping - it may make him think it's working and he will get what he wants if he is balky just long enough. 

I'd be tempted to calmly repeat over and over he's not a prisoner, he's free to walk about the home, bathe, cook food he likes, your parents are confused by his behavior but do not hate him. 

Finally, you can't fix him just wanting to exist.  He's not acting like it, but he's a grown ass man.  He may need to hit bottom before he's willing to work at all to come back up.

[WitzEndWife]

I tried having a conversation with him last night, basically telling him that I could not and would not continue to see him harming his health and well-being. I told him that he needed to do something, anything, during the day, besides sit in bed and wallow. Today is a BEAUTIFUL day, by the way, so it's a great day for him to go bike riding. Usually, when the sun's out, he's a little bit more motivated, so I'm hoping he'll feel the pull to get outside.

He's still blaming my parents and their lifestyle for everything and is still begging me to buy a house. I think that, perhaps, the "let him wallow" strategy could work, but, at the same time, it's really disruptive to everyone else in the home. It's particularly challenging that my mother never knows whether to include him for dinner. If she makes vegan options, he often locks himself in the room and doesn't come to dinner. If she doesn't, then he comes out and feels hurt and rejected because she didn't include him. He's really making life difficult. And I'll admit that I'm losing patience. Maybe it's time for me to take a mini-vacation?

[Grey Kitty]

This is tough on you clearly. I'd like to draw a distinction for you:

"I can't let him wallow"

That is controlling. That is telling him what to do. OK really telling him what not to do, but it is demanding that he change his behavior.

(And as somebody who is prone to depressed wallowing and had a life-long history of passively resisting when I was nagged about it, I can tell you that getting this message from somebody close to me doesn't make it easier for me to dig myself out)

"I can't watch him wallow"

That isn't controlling. That is respecting your feelings. It really is tearing you up to see him do this, and you have every right to protect yourself from that.

Unfortunately, to protect yourself from this is gong to take drastic actions given your living situation.

Do you see the distinction?

[isilme]

I like how GreyKitty revised the statement.  Really, you CAN let him wallow.  He needs to want to stop wallowing - no one can do that for him.  What you are really saying is that his wallowing is hurting you to watch, and making your parents uncomfortable. 

I like the mini vacation idea - it may trigger his feelings of abandonment, but you "could" choose to do something he'd be welcome to do or not, but state you are going to the beach for a few days (or whatever you'd want to do).  You are going with or without him, and only he is stopping himself from joining in or choosing to stay. 

[WitzEndWife]

When I talked to him, I framed it in the context of "I can't watch you like this anymore" and I pointed to specific behaviors, like starving himself, lying in bed all day long, avoiding everyone, avoiding going outside, etc. I would never say that to him and I try to avoid being controlling in any way, even though his behavior is stressing me out and making my life miserable.

I don't want to go on a vacation WITH him. I want time away, where I can just enjoy myself and not have to think about him. Maybe that's selfish, I don't know anymore.

My mother texted me today and said, "I don't know what you said to him last night, but he got up and went on a bike ride today." So, maybe whatever I said motivated him a little bit. I feel like, if he can just get a little bit of regular activity, things will look brighter and he'll have more energy. I find that, with my depression, I have to force myself, kicking and screaming, to do some things, but, once I do them, I feel better. We'll see. I don't see this whole thing getting better unless he gets treatment. I'm working SO hard just to take care of myself. Sigh. I'm exhausted.

[isilme]

I figured you'd not really want him to go - but that to stave off some abandonment accusations, you could offer to let him come, but pick to do something he'd not want to come do.  Kinda like a - "you can be miserable but you don't get to bring everyone else down, so you can join me, you can get up and do something you like, or you can wallow.  But wallowing and hiding in this bedroom are not going to make us get a house any sooner, so this display of malcontent is noted, but also disregarded as I have no power to do more than I already am.  Only you have power to make your days better at this point." 

Good, he got outside a little.  Exercise and sun release endorphins, making us feel better, and promote a healthier need for sleep, and a healthier appetite.  I understand depression, too, and yes, you HAVE to force yourself a lot to function.  But if you can do it, Grey Kitty can do it, and I can do it, so can he.  Hell, my H does it.  Yours can, once he's ready. 

[WitzEndWife]

He seemed in better spirits last night when I got home. He went to bed at a reasonable hour, but then popped up at 4AM, and had a rage freak out when he was unable to find his phone, turning on the lights, and throwing the covers off. But, once he found his phone, he was okay.

I talked with him this morning about his plans for the day and he said that he planned to look for some jobs and to look up real estate classes, plus go for a bike ride and do some grocery shopping. So, that's something. Of course, when my mother asked him about his plans for the day, he got prickly with her. It makes me so sad that he hates her so much, when she's only been kind and caring to him. It's heartbreaking. I know I can't make him like her, but just to see him treat her as if she's the root of all evil hits me to my core. I've never had a significant other dislike my parents because they're not unlikable people. I know it's not rational, but it's very, very painful for me.