Today Is My Birthday

[MiserableMostly]

Today is my birthday. I don't know why but it is bringing up a lot of sadness. I'm now going on 11 weeks NC and I've been doing really well for the most part. Going to therapy, making new friends, connecting with old friends, staying busy, succeeding at work, etc... .I had a party on Saturday and a ton of people came which I was so happy about. I've also been dating and after going through about 15 unsuccessful dates I think I met someone who has potential.

I've got a great job, my social calendar is full, I have tons of people who care about me and are wishing me a happy birthday, I have family and friends who love me and have let me know that today. This has been the best year of my career, I have money for the first time in my life, I have a great apartment, I have someone who likes me and who I have slept with, I'm enjoying hobbies and having fun and really experiencing life like I've never done before. I go out every night, I say yes to everything with enthusiasm, I am keyed into my emotions and feel more in touch and empathetic with everyone around me and most importantly myself. 

And yet, I'm sad. All I want more than anything is for more my BPDex to reach out to me today and wish me a Happy Birthday. I just want her to acknowledge that I exist at all. After all I've learned and grown, I still want her in my life. I know she probably won't reach out to me and that will make me sad. But even if she does reach out to me I have no idea how that will make me feel. Probably crazy. I feel like I'd rather feel crazy than sad though. I don't know. I've done pretty much everything right so far but I'm still here.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey MM, 11 weeks out is a relatively short time so give yourself a break!  It's normal to feel sad in the aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD, perhaps because the r/s usually starts off on such a high note.  I assume you parted ways for a reason and it wouldn't hurt to remind yourself of what that reason is.  That you are celebrating your birthday is a good sign to me, because it shows that you are focusing on yourself, which in my view is the place to start.  There's no particular timetable for one's recovery and everyone heals at his/her own pace, so keep doing what you're doing.

LuckyJim

[Kelli Cornett]

Happy Birthday and I understand

[Mr.R.Indignation]

I mentioned something in a self-post earlier on and it applies here. It was a reference to the song 'I get along without you very well.'

The song goes

'I get along without you very well
Of course I do
Except when soft rains fall
And drip from leaves, then I recall... .'

Holding on to that memory is... .eeee. In yet another earlier post from today I referred to the early stages of the relationship as dealing with a semblance of traits resembling consciousness. In the more rational world no un-progressed pwBPD as we would know them exists because they are on a different plane of existence. You are a person, a creature of conscious ability, where they are elements, fire and water; sometimes still and cooling, more often than not tormented and burning wildly. I was a little more optimistic when I doubted myself, but now I feel as though there is little nuance to the pwBPD's emotions or mindstate.

In any case, as I'm sure you're aware, when you're looking back at the memory you tend to look at those projected positive traits instead of the whole, so things get whimsical and stupid. In comparison, when you invite that person back in it doesn't take long to see the horrible reality again. I looked at your posts just now because I was trying to think where I knew your name from, and I saw the post mentioning the Valentine's day meal. Thinking about your ex isn't great but if you're going to do it focus on the hurtful BS like that that reflects the reality of the situation.

The way I see it you don't want her back, you're just remembering the feeling of wanting her back. When you want something really badly and you don't get a proper sense of closure it'll claw at you again, even after you've stopped liking/wanting it. Recently went through something similar because I didn't feel good about leaving a 'friend' behind. Contact was a mistake, although the specific circumstances allowed me to heal over more permanently. Try to do what's best for your progress, dude. Contact would more than likely just set you back to your past cycle.

Also enjoy your birthday god dammit! You've made it this far, you can make it further.

[roberto516]

Today is my birthday. I don't know why but it is bringing up a lot of sadness. I'm now going on 11 weeks NC and I've been doing really well for the most part. Going to therapy, making new friends, connecting with old friends, staying busy, succeeding at work, etc... .I had a party on Saturday and a ton of people came which I was so happy about. I've also been dating and after going through about 15 unsuccessful dates I think I met someone who has potential.

I've got a great job, my social calendar is full, I have tons of people who care about me and are wishing me a happy birthday, I have family and friends who love me and have let me know that today. This has been the best year of my career, I have money for the first time in my life, I have a great apartment, I have someone who likes me and who I have slept with, I'm enjoying hobbies and having fun and really experiencing life like I've never done before. I go out every night, I say yes to everything with enthusiasm, I am keyed into my emotions and feel more in touch and empathetic with everyone around me and most importantly myself. 

And yet, I'm sad. All I want more than anything is for more my BPDex to reach out to me today and wish me a Happy Birthday. I just want her to acknowledge that I exist at all. After all I've learned and grown, I still want her in my life. I know she probably won't reach out to me and that will make me sad. But even if she does reach out to me I have no idea how that will make me feel. Probably crazy. I feel like I'd rather feel crazy than sad though. I don't know. I've done pretty much everything right so far but I'm still here.

I should post an article on it. BUT this really is an addiction. Coming through this with a BPD. And in addicton you can suffer from something called post acute withdrawal symptoms (PAWS) and it is just your brain rewiring itself. So oe day you can just have a dip in mood with no real rhyme or reason to it.

But I'm gonna say. I'm so jealous. I'm not even 24 hours NC and I miss her so much. I'm developing a social life again but not the extent you have. And yo might have someone who loves you right there. But this is common in early recovery. I work at a rehab. I just never knew how similar they are. Make sure you talk about (like you are!) The 12 step slogan of "get another day" really is true. I relapsed today. So I gotta start over. You have 11 weeks. Man look at how far you've come!

And happy birthday. It's your day. Noone can take it from you

[UnforgivenII]

My birthday was on the last 9th of August, 5 days after he discarded me in the most horrific way and I was hardly speaking. He never reached out of course. I can fully understand you. Madness is seductive. Madness is mesmerizing. But madness is madness. Do you feel her love today? No? Because there was not, not in the way we mean it.
You deserve someone who throws you a huge party on your birthday.