Hot or cold, and insecure please help

[Kneowe]

Hi my future wife is diagnosed with BPD I've read articles and thought I knew what I was getting into but I'm constantly accused of cheating, lying, or stealing she has come out of a abusive relationship where cheating was a factor along with lying and stealing and is still in one with a bestfriend (girl) who will do anything to make me look badly to her because I take up her time. I don't know what to do I love this woman more than anything and I understand I can't love her well I just want to keep her and help her by example but she has been dysfunctional for so long that she doesn't see me as normal she sees weird behavior at every turn. Her emotions are extreme when she loves me it's amazing but when she gets insecure mostly due to her friend who holds her down with fear... .fear of losing her kids because of her disease it's abusive and selfish. I'm hurt, isolated, scared, and lonely I don't know what to do please help! I could go on but I'll start there? I'm stuck I need help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Kneowe,



I'm very sorry to hear that things are not going well in your relationship. Your feelings of hurt and fear and loneliness are so understandable. Many of our members have been in similar situations—you are not alone. 

The good news is that there is hope for you to feel better and your relationship to change for the better. This site has tons of tools and resources you can use to help. And members who understand.

It's normal to feel stuck, especially when we don't know what the next step is. Tell us a bit more about what is going on.

How do the conflicts usually start?

Here is a great video that can help keep conflict down:

Ending Conflict

Keep writing. We are here to support you.

heartandwhole

[Kneowe]

Conflict starts do to deception by those closest to her, they make her feel insecure and paranoid and it's always directed at our relationship. I'm paying 800 dollars for a polygraph test to set her at ease. She is easily manipulated by this person uses her BPD an a way to control her and get what she wants. The thing is she realizes she has a disease and she tries to understand it and fix what she can. How do I respond to this whole situation I have confronted the friend and she turns it around like I'm crazy or sick and I'm a normal guy who wants to be with a unique girl. I wish I could do something we are buying a house and she told her friend that she had to move out of the house, so while we were out she threw empty condom wrappers by where I sleep and pointed them out to my girlfriend as soon as she went in the room... .I work out and jog in the morning and the friend tells her I'm probably meeting up with someone I want to get my girlfriend safe and out of this terrible situation but I don't know how or what to do except wait for her to see I'm afraid she can't tho. I'm afraid it's going to be to late

[Kneowe]

 I find myself raising my voice to get a single word in when we aren't in conflict and that shuts her down she laughs and mocks me and she won't listen... .I'm never mad at her I understand what is happening she can't or won't hear it... .raising my voice does not work non the less how do I speak to her if I don't have a voice at all... .only when it flips around and she loves me again can we talk waiting is hard and points get lost by that time I have the patience Is there anything else I an do. Without middle ground how can we make this a loving, safe, and healthy relationship.

[Kneowe]

I also find it easier to talk to her in texts so she doesn't misinterpret reactions even when we are sitting right next to each other and she finds it easier to talk about her feelings this way I figure if it works don't fix it but I don't know if it's good for her? If she gets upset she just stops texting but even then it's hard for me to not ask what happened or what's wrong she just shuts down and it's hard. I feel like studying about this disorder is getting me know where it feels like she is breaking me down piece by piece I know she doesn't want me to hurt but it's the only way she can seem to deal with conflict? I feel like I need anxiety medication and depression medication just to maybe help me but I see her depend so heavily on medication that I believe are over prescribed to her by doctors just out to make a buck.

[Mutt]

Hi Kneowe,



I'd like to join heartandwhole and welcome you to the family.

You're stronger than you think.

I wouldn't recommend a polygraph test, it's expensive and it may sooth her temporarily but the distortions will come back.

Here's another link that will help you and your thoughts.

Triggering, Mindfulness, and the WiseMind

Re-centering my thoughts helps me when I have BPD stuff that happens in real life with my ex, I also work out to get rid of my worries and to feel better   What do you for self care?

What's the backstory on her friend? Does she interfere often?

[Kneowe]

I think that 800 for a polygraph to sooth her even for a while is worth every penny especially if it exposes her friend for what she is doing I expect you know she is very co dependent so she moved this girl in years ago its an unhealthy and weird relationship... .this girl talks about wanting to marry her she knows this is messed up because she likes men always has. I don't talk bad about the friend I just give them space to be friends but now that we are buying a house and she was told she couldn't live there we are getting attacked she is using her kids as a weapon to destroy something wonderful. Needless to say she enterferes is an understatement she isolates her we can't be alone without her wanting to be there. I'm sure she has her own issues but I'm only worried about my girlfriends diagnosed BPD thats hard enough to deal with. For self help I don't have anyone to turn to so I cry, I isolate when I'm on the outs, I research and rehearse things I can change about myself to help her. I meet this wonderful unique person and I'm losing her.

[Mutt]

Hi Kneowe,

I can understand wanting to defend your good name, you know the truth. There are three people, you, your gf and her friend, that makes a triangle, when there's a lot of pressure in the main r/s sometimes people will seek another person, sometimes it's a distraction like work to offset the pressure in the main r/s. That's called triangulation, there's good and bad triangulation, bad triangulation keeps perpetuating the cycle of blame and conflict, there's a way to stop that, you can stay in the middle of the triangle without taking anyone's side. If you do a polygraph you're playing a role in the triangle, what you told us about her friend here, is that something that you discussed with her? If so, how did that go?

[Kneowe]

Hi Kneowe,

I can understand wanting to defend your good name, you know the truth. There are three people, you, your gf and her friend, that makes a triangle, when there's a lot of pressure in the main r/s sometimes people will seek another person, sometimes it's a distraction like work to offset the pressure in the main r/s. That's called triangulation, there's good and bad triangulation, bad triangulation keeps perpetuating the cycle of blame and conflict, there's a way to stop that, you can stay in the middle of the triangle without taking anyone's side. If you do a polygraph you're playing a role in the triangle, what you told us about her friend here, is that something that you discussed with her? If so, how did that go?

" oh yes we have discussed it and she knows, she is scared of her friend she threatens to have her kids taken away if she kicks her out or tells her to leave, if she does tell her to go the friend will refuse I've seen it it's abuse. I should mention my girlfriend just doesn't have a few traits of BPD she has almost all of them. The friend will just say later that my girlfriend was acting crazy and she believes it she forgets what happened and just let's it slide. My girlfriend realizes the way she is it's a good thing it creates empathy so when she reacts it's normally dangerous or extreme in some way if I walk away and talk later she understands that the decision she made might not have been the best one unfortunately if she has hurt me she goes to the extreme on guilt and that's where the threats of suicide come in that's mostly if she hurts her children tho with an outburst. She is constantly in danger and doesn't realize it I've tried to set up a system where I can let her know when she is in danger, she benges as well and the friend threatens her with that as well and the same thing after the benga extreme guilt and suicidle thought. We will be great when I leave her house to go home then the roommate gets her alone and will do something like steal some of her medication and blame me so when I walk in the next day it's on I'm a lier,theif, or cheater the friend knows thes things she is paranoid about. Anyway she just know calmed down and listened to what I had to say about her friend and her words were "how could that btch be crazier than me it's just not possible why would someone hurt us like that especially someone who is supposed to be my friend " she doesn't fully believe me but there is enough to doubt the situation she can't tell if people are manipulating her she thinks she is the crazy one for thinking things like that and I might be for suggesting them. Hence the polygraph I hope y'all understand where I'm coming from I know how unhealthy this situation is for me I get accused so much I've thought I might admit to it just so it would stop and I never thought I would do that it reminded me of interrogations.

[Mutt]

Hi Kneowe,

I understand where you're coming, I used to get blamed for everything and I was confused with some of the things that my ex was saying because she kept changing what she was saying. It was impossible to keep track of. I can also understand that it would put someone into a defensive stance, I know because I was defensive with my ex wife.

At the end of the day, her dysfunctional behavior, distortions, bad feelings didn't belong to me, it belonged to her. It takes two to tango it takes one to stop it. Check the lessons on the right of the board, specifically the basic tools and ending conflict, i've already given you the wise mind one. What do you think you could do differently when she tries to bait or is making false accusations?

[Kneowe]

Hi Kneowe,

I understand where you're coming, I used to get blamed for everything and I was confused with some of the things that my ex was saying because she kept changing what she was saying. It was impossible to keep track of. I can also understand that it would put someone into a defensive stance, I know because I was defensive with my ex wife.

At the end of the day, her dysfunctional behavior, distortions, bad feelings didn't belong to me, it belonged to her. It takes two to tango it takes one to stop it. Check the lessons on the right of the board, specifically the basic tools and ending conflict, i've already given you the wise mind one. What do you think you could do differently when she tries to bait or is making false accusations?

there not false accusations really, because she is being set up to believe there real, and I just turn around and leave come back later or text her when she is calm that's hard tho because I do love her and she can get some hard words in there before I can go and it's usually a dicition like " don't ever come back" or "it's over" it's hard not to ask why when these things are said. These decisions she makes right away without thinking almost always get overturned when she calms down unfortunately when it come to someone who is mistreating her, those get overturned as well because she thinks she was acting crazy. Sometimes they should stick I would leave and never come back if that would get rid of the friend then she would be safe at least.