Son and BPD daughter in law in another fight

[Mother-in-law]

My son keeps being thrown out of his apartment by his wife for various reasons.

His wife, my daughter-in-law, has BPD and went off on him (this time) because he fell on the way into their apartment (getting groceries muddy) and sat the muddy grocery bag down inside the front door as he came inside.   Wife yelling about the mess... .  son finally exploded at her... .

My question:  When we allow our son to live with us for several days until wife cools off/son makes amends... .are we enabling the crazy behavior to continue?  Should we NOT allow him to come home when she kicks him out?

[Naughty Nibbler]

 Mother-in-law   

One way to look at is that you are part of your son's Safety Plan.  When there are heated arguments, the non BPD person is encouraged to step away from the fight.  That can mean to another room or to leave the home.  If one party is apt to get physical, then leaving the home is the safest option.  That prevents anyone from getting hurt and/or arrested.

If it is disturbing to you, you might suggest that he get a motel/hotel for the night.  Some people drive their vehicles somewhere and sleep in their vehicle. 

If your son gets frustrated enough with being kicked out of his home, he could take a stand with his wife.  Perhaps he might ask her to get therapy and work on the marriage or he will leave. He may just continue to do what he has been doing.  What you do or don't do has no impact on whether his wife rages.   

Are there any grandchildren?

[Mother-in-law]

Thank you for this reply!  It makes me feel so much better to have your insights.

No, they have only been married 2 years and they don't have any children.
My DIL is telling my son that the marriage is over (she often tells him this for
various reasons... .like he hasn't bought her a car or followed through on getting
a better job... .).  Son keeps feeling bad that he exploded at his wife.
I pointed out that she had exploded at him, too (which is not justification for his
bad behavior) at the same time, he is human.  Also, pointed out that it is good to leave when
the situation is unsafe emotionally/physically.

I agree that he could expect something (marriage counseling) from her before just going
back into the fray after her anger has subsided.  However, even though we agree to pay
for their counseling, or just counseling for my son, they don't take us up on the offer.