Realizations after ending the relationship

[Depression = 72% of members]

I finally cut my father out of my life this past new year's eve, after his behavior became too intolerable. I am 31 years old, and grew up mostly raised by my father, and lived largely in isolation with him for many of my young years. Although my own therapist has referenced the term "borderline" as a possible descriptor for him, and I've heard the term from others in the past as well, I never looked into it until a few days ago. I started reading some descriptions of BPD, and it sounded familiar. I hurried to the closest bookstore and bought Stop Walking on Eggshells; the first chapter had me in tears - I never imagined that others had experienced what I had in my childhood. Everyone always told me that my dad seemed so normal. Suddenly my eyes have been opened.

I didn't read through the end of the book. Once it got to talking about how to cope with borderlines in your life, it no longer felt applicable. I currently have no intention of reconnecting with my dad. The idea that he is borderline, however, confirms something I already felt confident was true - his therapist is not qualified to help him. He has "seen" her (by phone), only once every other week at most, for years. I've seen her in the past myself, and can tell you that she isn't helping him, and isn't capable of helping him.

While I know I can't suggest to my father that he might be borderline, I wonder if I should suggest it to his therapist. For years I've fantasized about writing to her, and telling her that it is unethical for her to continue taking his money when she is so clearly not helping him. This makes me feel even more strongly that that is true. And he continues to see her, I think in large part, so he can justify his failure to change (e.g. "I see a therapist, so I'm doing all I can". I wish she would fire him, and refer him to someone qualified.

As it stands, I'll probably do nothing. This realization, and learning that I'm not the only person who experienced these things, has been incredibly validating for me. That's what I needed. I've long-since accepted that I can't fix him, and that's probably where I'll leave it. If his therapist hasn't come to the same conclusion, I doubt she'll change her mind based on a letter from me. And I worry it could backfire.

Regardless, I'm happy to have learned about BPD, and to have found this community where I might get some more insights into how it might have affected my childhood.

[juliodaughter]

I finally cut my father out of my life this past new year's eve, after his behavior became too intolerable. I am 31 years old, and grew up mostly raised by my father, and lived largely in isolation with him for many of my young years. Although my own therapist has referenced the term "borderline" as a possible descriptor for him, and I've heard the term from others in the past as well, I never looked into it until a few days ago. I started reading some descriptions of BPD, and it sounded familiar. I hurried to the closest bookstore and bought Stop Walking on Eggshells; the first chapter had me in tears - I never imagined that others had experienced what I had in my childhood. Everyone always told me that my dad seemed so normal. Suddenly my eyes have been opened.

I didn't read through the end of the book. Once it got to talking about how to cope with borderlines in your life, it no longer felt applicable. I currently have no intention of reconnecting with my dad. The idea that he is borderline, however, confirms something I already felt confident was true - his therapist is not qualified to help him. He has "seen" her (by phone), only once every other week at most, for years. I've seen her in the past myself, and can tell you that she isn't helping him, and isn't capable of helping him.

While I know I can't suggest to my father that he might be borderline, I wonder if I should suggest it to his therapist. For years I've fantasized about writing to her, and telling her that it is unethical for her to continue taking his money when she is so clearly not helping him. This makes me feel even more strongly that that is true. And he continues to see her, I think in large part, so he can justify his failure to change (e.g. "I see a therapist, so I'm doing all I can". I wish she would fire him, and refer him to someone qualified.

As it stands, I'll probably do nothing. This realization, and learning that I'm not the only person who experienced these things, has been incredibly validating for me. That's what I needed. I've long-since accepted that I can't fix him, and that's probably where I'll leave it. If his therapist hasn't come to the same conclusion, I doubt she'll change her mind based on a letter from me. And I worry it could backfire.

Regardless, I'm happy to have learned about BPD, and to have found this community where I might get some more insights into how it might have affected my childhood.

[ArleighBurke]

My undiagnosed BPD wife has been seeing her therepist for 8years (1-2 times per week). I think he does nothing for her - just a place she can go to vent. I'm like you - I too have thought about writing to the therapist and suggesting BPD - but I suspect it won't make much difference. If he hasn't seen it yet then he's useless. And if I mention it he may stuff it up and make things worse. At least at the moment it's a safe place for her to go.

I get that your dad has probably caused you a lot of pain over the years, and that would be hard to forgive. But could you? Can you see it's the BPD and not him? It would be a shame to lose him from your life. Now that you know about BPD, can you learn the tools to allow him in your life on your terms - to learn the skills to be able to interact with him safely? To maintain boundaries which limit the impact he can have on your life, but still find a place for him? This would be hard emotionally - true forgiveness feels like letting go - but he is your father.

[juliodaughter]

Thank you, Arleigh. What a shame that there are therapists out there "treating" people they can't really help, when there are other therapists would could help!

I hear you, about him being my dad. I'm not exactly angry at him, and I do see that his behavior is the result of mental illness, and not some malicious desire to tear me down. I knew that before I ever heard of BPD, and for most of my adulthood I have been tremendously sad for the emptiness and pain that I know consumes him. And I think I've even started down the road to forgiving him for how he treated me as a child.

Still, I do not absolve him of responsibility just because I know he is ill. He is the only person who can make himself get real help, and he won't. And given that, I don't feel safe with him. Maybe my own therapy will one day bring me to a place where I want to learn the tools I would need to have a relationship with him. I'm not there yet.

I'm also not convinced that, even if I got there someday, he would want to have a relationship with me. He has made it clear that he cannot accept the boundaries I placed on our relationship, years before I ended it, and that he would prefer to have no relationship at all. I realize that might just be the borderline talking - an effort to convince me to take the boundaries away. But how can I ignore that ultimatum? I can't just say "Oh, you don't mean that." I think me telling him what he means would send him into a rage. Anyway, I realize these are all questions I would be much better equipped to answer if I bothered reading the rest of that book... .But as I said, I'm not there yet, and I might never be.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi juliodaughter:   

Welcome to the family!  Was there a particular event that occurred on New Year's Eve, that prompted you to go no contact?

I am 31 years old, and grew up mostly raised by my father, and lived largely in isolation with him for many of my young years.   

Was you mother in your life at all?  In what way were you isolated?

While I know I can't suggest to my father that he might be borderline, I wonder if I should suggest it to his therapist. For years I've fantasized about writing to her, and telling her that it is unethical for her to continue taking his money when she is so clearly not helping him.   

You can always write a letter to the therapist, that you don't send.  Some people destroy their letters (or journaling) in some way, after they write it.  (burn, shred, etc.).  Similarly, it can be helpful to write a letter to your dad, but don't send it either.  Writing out your thoughts and feelings can be helpful.

The Survivors Guide in the right hand margin can be helpful for you, as you work through your feelings and grief.  Processing your feelings in regard to having a dysfunctional father, can be similar to the grieving process of losing a loved one to death.

Reaching a point of forgiveness is actually for you and can be very therapeutic.

BPD generally doesn't stand alone.  Usually conditions like depression, anxiety disorder, ADD/ADHD, OCD, PTSD and other conditions accompany it.  Is there a chance you dad may have any of those conditions?  Some of these other conditions can be managed with meds. 

My dad had BPD traits.  As he became elderly, it became more apparent that he had an anxiety disorder.  I could, also, see traits/behaviors that would be signs of ADD and OCD. 

What are some of your dad's worst BPD traits?

[SamwizeGamgee]

Hi Juliodaughter.  Welcome.
Your words tapped into something I had forgotten.  When I read "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder" which has been characterized as the second edition, and the new Stop Walking on Eggshells, I was enlightened, and felt rescued by knowing that there was a meaning to the madness I experienced.  I think my experience was like yours.  I got to the latter part of the book where it teaches four basic "tools" to cope and heal while with a person with BPD.   I had to stop reading at that point. I felt that it was just a guide on how to take more abuse.  As though it was teaching me to get punched somewhere else on my body, but emotionally.  It felt a little like a betrayal from a source that was helping me understand BPD.   I took a long break from the book.  I did go back and finish it, but after many more self-help books I went through.  I was still a victim at the time.  Now I think of myself as a survivor, and even then, I don't want tools to make abuse bearable.  Though, the first tool was self-care - so, that's my version of self care.  Don't put up with it.

As for your dad's therapy.  I know the temptation must be great to point out to someone who should be helping him, but, I think there are so many people that don't get it, that this desire ends up being just us "nons" looking for validation.  I would love someone else to see my wife's crazy. 

In the end, if you're going for limited contact or no contact, I guess it will be up to your dad to sort things out with, or without, his therapist.  If it's his money, there's nothing else one can do.  If it's your money paying for the treatment, then by all means bring it up or stop paying.

Good luck.  Live your life with the most meaning and happiness you can find!