Emotional pain

[Our abuse recovery guide]

So my mom's been living in another state for about 6 yrs or so. She has moved back and now lives on the same driveway and vurtually in my backyard.  I was excited at first because we all want that mother we imagine in our heads. First day that she was here all that happy thought started to fade as she showed her true self. I felt betrayed all over again. I got my hopes up and thought I could count on her as I was experiencing a rough time in my marriage, but this was just what she needed to put herself in controll and manipulate the situation so she could be the martyr, she loves that role. Gives her full narcissistic supply. Anyway, I worked out my marriage problems against her wishes or advise. She has put me in the black sheep role and now she is trying to persuade my 20 yr old daughter against my husband and me, with her little comments and secretive talk behind everyone's back. I put my house up for sale and can't move fast enough as my son goes to her house almost everyday but won't even stop to say hello to me. I've apologized, for what, I don't really know. I try to fix what I can't, this is what hurts the most. I feel guilty, I feel a deep cut to the core of my being and it won't heal. I know all the tricks, all her ways, but it still is stealing my joy. My heart hurts. I wish she would have stayed gone. Now I have to turn my life upside down to escape the emotional pain of being ignored, manipulated, undermined, almost in my back yard. Will I be ok even with moving, or will I have resentment for this too. I feel so helpless for my own happiness. Just need to share with others who can relate. Thanks

[Biddybrown]

So my mom's been living in another state for about 6 yrs or so. She has moved back and now lives on the same driveway and vurtually in my backyard.  I was excited at first because we all want that mother we imagine in our heads. First day that she was here all that happy thought started to fade as she showed her true self. I felt betrayed all over again. I got my hopes up and thought I could count on her as I was experiencing a rough time in my marriage, but this was just what she needed to put herself in controll and manipulate the situation so she could be the martyr, she loves that role. Gives her full narcissistic supply. Anyway, I worked out my marriage problems against her wishes or advise. She has put me in the black sheep role and now she is trying to persuade my 20 yr old daughter against my husband and me, with her little comments and secretive talk behind everyone's back. I put my house up for sale and can't move fast enough as my son goes to her house almost everyday but won't even stop to say hello to me. I've apologized, for what, I don't really know. I try to fix what I can't, this is what hurts the most. I feel guilty, I feel a deep cut to the core of my being and it won't heal. I know all the tricks, all her ways, but it still is stealing my joy. My heart hurts. I wish she would have stayed gone. Now I have to turn my life upside down to escape the emotional pain of being ignored, manipulated, undermined, almost in my back yard. Will I be ok even with moving, or will I have resentment for this too. I feel so helpless for my own happiness. Just need to share with others who can relate. Thanks

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi BiddyBrown:   

I'm glad you worked thing out with your husband, but I'm sorry about the situation with your mom.  Did she purchase property that adjoins yours? 

You don't have any control over your mom's behavior.  The only thing you have control over is yourself and the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her.  Have you set BOUNDARIES with your mom?  Boundaries are for your benefit and are up to you to consistently enforce.

AVOIDING CIRCULAR ARGUMENTS is a good strategy to follow. THE KARPMAN DRAMA TRIANGLE  workshop can help you learn about healthy triangles, versus unhealthy ones. Avoiding arguments and not reacting with emotions, can be a beneficial strategy on your part.

Sounds like there are some drama triangles going on with your mom and your children.  Does your mom interact differently with your children, as opposed to you?  Sounds like you son lives elsewhere.  Is there a reason he goes to see his grandma every day?  If you removed your mom from the equation, how have your children reacted to your marital problems?

I'm thinking that once you move, it should be easier for you.  Once you leave the situation of viewing your children go back and forth to visit your mom, it should be easier for you to process your emotions.

[Biddybrown]

My son has never liked my husband because my mother has always talked badly about everyone I have an emotional relationship with. She has always caused problems in my relationships. I can't confide in her in anyway about anything, if I don't do what she thinks I should then she punishes me, by ignoring me, being cold, and undermining my other relationships. She already owned property by me. The property I own she had to give to me after my dad died. My mom has enabled my son and does for him what I want. She acts like he is hers and I am not his mom. I think a move is the only answer.

[Biddybrown]

Thanks for the information and support!

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi Biddybrown:   

My son has never liked my husband because my mother has always talked badly about everyone I have an emotional relationship with.

Is you husband not the bio dad for your children?  If that is the case, then I'm thinking that it's easier for them to side with grandma and get into a drama triangle. (not to justify it in any way).

Do you think your mom resents the fact that you inherited your property?  Well, I think you are right, the move will probably be your best bet for some peace and quiet.  Who inherits your mom's property once she passes?

Take care of yourself and take some measures to reduce your stress.  Do you have anything you like to do to reduce stress?