Feeling guilty and heartbroken...

[Sparky0426]

So. Last time I communicated with "C" we had a huge blowout fight. I called him out on a bunch of really hurtful things he did and lied to me about it. It ended with him deleting me from FB and blocking my messages. This was 3 weeks ago and we have had no contact since then... .

He works off shore, so he stays gone for 28 days at a time. I initially blocked his messages in return, but for whatever reason (curiosity, weakness, missing him) I unblocked him about a week ago. Wednesday morning I woke up to see a missed call from him, but I did not respond. Today is his birthday, so I sent him a message last night before I went to sleep wishing him a Happy Birthday. He responded this morning and said thank you, I said nothing else. I knew that he was coming back today (he will be here for 14 days) but I didn't anticipate seeing him. I had a plan to avoid him at all costs.

Well. He showed up at my house, and it really caught me off guard. We casually chatted for a bit, he told me he is going to a training class out of town for 5 days (that is a relief he will be gone) and he wanted to stop by on his way out. He basically propositioned me for "birthday sex" and I firmly declined. That made me mad. I set my boundaries and told him I don't want that, and I'm trying to heal myself so he can't come around me. I explained to him how badly he has hurt me, and that I'm seeing my therapist again because he has completely destroyed my heart. For the first time in the 2 years we were together, I felt like he actually heard me and realized the pain I was in; the look of sadness in his eyes was even more heartbreaking. I also asked him if he had heard of BPD before and he said yes; at first he tried to insinuate that maybe I had it, but I calmly explained that I did not. I told him that when he has some down time he should read more about it. He said okay.

He got up to leave and apologized for hurting me, told me he was sorry things didn't work out between us, and he had wanted to make peace. He said he wouldn't come around anymore and that he would leave me alone. We hugged and I told him how proud of him I was for the things he's trying to accomplish, and that I will always love and care for him. He told me that he was really proud of me too, something he has never said before. Bittersweet is such an understatement.

I know I'm doing the right thing for myself by letting him go, but I am so heartbroken right now. Despite the awful fights and his hurtful actions, there was and still is a very deep amount of love between us. My heart breaks for the beautiful, happy moments we shared together. My heart breaks for his own brokenness and the mental illness that he suffers from. And my heart breaks for having to let him go, for good. This is never what I wanted for us. Without a doubt in my mind, I know for certain he was definitely a soul mate. I also know that some soul mates come into your life to teach you the hardest lessons, but they are never meant to stay.

Will this ever get any easier?

[Sadly]

Hi Sparky
Your last paragraph, I could have written it. I feel for you right now, I feel for all the sad heartbroken souls on this board. Yes, with time it will get easier and here is where to come when it's hard. Am not in a good place right now, been hit by bad sadness and loneliness so not much help, I just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Love from
Sadly   x

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sparky, I'm sorry to hear that you are in pain.  The reality is that most BPD relationships are not built to last, for the reasons you describe.  Yes, it will get easier and someday I predict that you will be grateful to have moved on.  I know it probably doesn't feel like that now.  Yes, you're doing the right thing for yourself and now is a good time to pay attention to yourself and your needs.  If you're like me, you may find life a lot more peaceful without all the drama.  Hang in there,

LuckyJim