so so lost...

[Leelee1981]

I went to check my last post here... .2011... .
ive had a child since to this man... .nothings changed... .much has gotten worse... .the leaving and coming back has gotten so normal I don't know any different... .but longer... .
banished me my whole pregnancy... .came back a night in shining armour and full of change and promises... .he was so sincere... .I hold onto that moment... .
its this point of clarity he gets... .where he literally see's everything he's ever done... .see's through my eyes... .a moment of clarification, where he is in tears constantly and apologising... .
and in a flicker of a moment its gone... .
our son is 4... .has severe separation issues now because of his constant walk in and out process.

the latest... .we all went to bed... .I was woken by my daughter to say "dad's gone again... ."
that was before xmas... .
hates me wants nothing to do with me... .says we were over ages ago?
and again as dumb as it sounds I didn't see it coming... .no kidding ... .

he left while we were asleep! I felt so betrayed... .
when clarifying this later, trying to push for answers, reactions... .responses... .anything?
i stood up for myself for once and i told him no more. told him he cant keep doing this to me and that he was emotionally abusing me and the kids and that i wasn't going to see him again... .
he was very angry about that and i I was told to p.off into the sunset, kids and all and never come back.

nonetheless I agreed and have gone nc since... .

its been 78 days no contact and I'm in agony
some days I feel like I'm feeling better... .other days I feel I'm just waiting until I can goto sleep... .
what a life ive spent holding on to a man that discards me like nothing so often... .am I emotionally unavailable and is he just easier?

I read all these threads every night. I relate to so many of you... .
I google how likely it will be for a BPD to come back... .if he will come back again?
what is wrong with me? why would I want him to?
to move on would be to let go. and I guess I want to but I'm scared to... .12 years of this, to not get anywhere? or any better?
ive put so much time and effort, tears and heartache, so so much... .which would all be just a waste? wouldn't it?
I feel like an idiot?
I don't even know what response I expect from this?
I don't want to make contact, I know all too well the reception I will get from him for making that step... .I need to let him be. and for a brief minute he what? see's himself yet again and does a massive 180. so I sit here and wait for that? again?
how pathetic?

I feel so utterly lost... .let down and emotionally exhausted.
I go back to the time that he did come back after my pregnancy and he had so much clarity... .he saw so much... .I desperately want that moment back? how did it just vanish?
why cant he just be sorry again and just be... .normal? is he ever normal... .no :\... .but am i?

I'm lost in this banished land, where he puts me until I'm? not banished?
how can he love me doing this for 12 years? how can he not want to see our kids?
how can he think I'm the problem when i have done nothing wrong?
he doesnt even know why he leaves any more... .icould look at him the wrong way? its so weird?

we have special needs children and he leaves me to it all... .doesn't this enter his conscience at all?
I'm so angry... .hurt... .
and back here again! why did I even leave? ... .sigh... .
everything I google leads me back here... .
I want to find different answers but I wont... .


sorry... .I just wanted to come here and voice how I felt... .
out in the cold on my own... .i know i said i wanted no more... .i meant it... .but i wanted him to care... .
he doesn't... .

I wake up I do my duties I goto bed... .I'm living a groundhog day... .
when hes not around I feel like I'm his prisoner.
punished... .worthless... .
I fear moving on... .i fear letting go... .
I know this is what i need to do for myself... i am grateful in some ways that he hasn't come back... .
but he usually comes back once i am close to feeling better, and that's what i fear... .i don't even know
i really want to move interstate so he cant find me, but i am so stuck here for so many reasons... .and he knows where i live... .which makes me feel so shackled to this man no matter what i do... .
i know the best thing for me is to be away from him... .i know what is right... .and he isn't... .

but I'm suffering all the same here... .is he? does he even care at all? probably not... .

i don't want to be like this... .i tell everyone i enjoy being alone... .somewhat i do but i am lonely... .and i feel old... .
and tired... .
i was supposed to get married... .I'm 35... and alone and waiting for a man to be someone he will never be... .
trying to let go... .but today i don't know... .


i wish he would contact me so he would know that i am doing nc  for once it is me that is sticking to it... .i usually break... .i usually beg and bother him. ive left him be... .
but I'm just sitting here everyday like a zombie... .loser (smh)

letting go is hard... .is it ever going to get any better?
will i ever be cured?

i am just here.,... .LOST  so so soo lost!

i make myself sick... .

[mevz]

He doesn't need to contact you to know that you're NC. The fact that u haven't called him to make up shows him that. At first when I went NC on Nov 1 I thought this was it because he painted me black. But then I realized that under normal circumstances I would have contacted him, brushed off the emotional abuse and given into his threats and compulsions. And we would have been back together. Same as you probably always did. Come on, an abusive man who is completely in love with me is better than being alone right? Wrong. I'm sitting alone at a fun fair as I type this and I'm at utter peace. No matter how lost and lonely I feel at times, I'm at peace now. And you will be too. Dont wait for him to realize xyz... just work on healing youself and forget about that awful awful man who made you doubt yourself and be unhappy.

[bunny4523]

Leelee,

My heart breaks for you.  I understand what you are feeling and how you are holding on to those positive moments of clarity but I urge you to look at the big picture.  It sounds like the negative out weighs the positive in this relationship.  Your asking yourself alot of good questions.  You need to find what the fear/insecurity is inside of you that makes you think you need to stay in this.  Think with your heart and your mind. 

I love him ----->  I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me back and would never leave me
I've spent so many years invested in this relationship ----->  This is taking a toll on me, I've given it my 100%, it's time for me to be happy and healthy

I feel like maybe you put your "value" in his control.  Meaning you feel about yourself the way he feels about you.  YOU need to love YOU.  You need to believe you are a good person and worthy of a healthy relationship.  Don't wait for him to validate that for you.   You can do that on your own.  Please dig deep and find that inner strength... .that part of you that knows and loves you.  Be proud of who you are and all you have tried to do.  It's ok to realize you have nothing left to give to this relationship without completely destroying/losing yourself. 

I promise you that once you recognize who you are and what you have to offer... .you will find a man who will appreciate it... .but first you need to build yourself back up because he tore you down for years.  He made you doubt yourself... .any healthy man you meet will probably sense that. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it is really hard on you but it sounds like you are at a fork in the road... .so that can be a very good thing. 

You asked "how can he love you and do this to you for 12 years?"  My thought is "How can you love him after he has done this to you for 12 years?"  Try and remember LOVE is only a word and it means different things to different people.  Find someone who loves the way you do.

I wish you the best and stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself.

Bunny

[Leelee1981]

He doesn't need to contact you to know that you're NC. The fact that u haven't called him to make up shows him that. At first when I went NC on Nov 1 I thought this was it because he painted me black. But then I realized that under normal circumstances I would have contacted him, brushed off the emotional abuse and given into his threats and compulsions. And we would have been back together. Same as you probably always did. Come on, an abusive man who is completely in love with me is better than being alone right? Wrong. I'm sitting alone at a fun fair as I type this and I'm at utter peace. No matter how lost and lonely I feel at times, I'm at peace now. And you will be too. Dont wait for him to realize xyz... just work on healing youself and forget about that awful awful man who made you doubt yourself and be unhappy.

thank you ... .too true!

[Leelee1981]

Leelee,

My heart breaks for you.  I understand what you are feeling and how you are holding on to those positive moments of clarity but I urge you to look at the big picture.  It sounds like the negative out weighs the positive in this relationship.  Your asking yourself alot of good questions.  You need to find what the fear/insecurity is inside of you that makes you think you need to stay in this.  Think with your heart and your mind. 

I love him ----->  I want to be in a relationship with someone who loves me back and would never leave me
I've spent so many years invested in this relationship ----->  This is taking a toll on me, I've given it my 100%, it's time for me to be happy and healthy

I feel like maybe you put your "value" in his control.  Meaning you feel about yourself the way he feels about you.  YOU need to love YOU.  You need to believe you are a good person and worthy of a healthy relationship.  Don't wait for him to validate that for you.   You can do that on your own.  Please dig deep and find that inner strength... .that part of you that knows and loves you.  Be proud of who you are and all you have tried to do.  It's ok to realize you have nothing left to give to this relationship without completely destroying/losing yourself. 

I promise you that once you recognize who you are and what you have to offer... .you will find a man who will appreciate it... .but first you need to build yourself back up because he tore you down for years.  He made you doubt yourself... .any healthy man you meet will probably sense that. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure it is really hard on you but it sounds like you are at a fork in the road... .so that can be a very good thing. 

You asked "how can he love you and do this to you for 12 years?"  My thought is "How can you love him after he has done this to you for 12 years?"  Try and remember LOVE is only a word and it means different things to different people.  Find someone who loves the way you do.

I wish you the best and stop beating yourself up and start loving yourself.

Bunny

thanks so much bunny... .
wise words... .

a bad day... .

today I'm feeling better... .
I do look forward to a future of no control... .and not feeling the need to seek validation when discarded... .
but yes I need to work on me before I can present this and be in a "normal" relationship... .

its good to be here and read through everything... .
I'm feeling good about the nc, and that I haven't broken or gone into pleading... .

I just worry about when he comes back... .as he always does... .hence my mention of moving away. its hard to break a cycle like this.
take each day as it comes... .


thanks for your support and taking the time to respond to me

[underdog]

Leelee 1981,

I feel for you. As with me, I have been pretty much in check with my emotions and have always conditioned my mind not to expect anything from the BPD. This helps a lot in minimizing the hurt. Acceptance of their condition is the primary step. I am always ready guarded and anticipating, and to a big degree, that has contributed to the problems between me and the BPD as well.

Most recently, I made a failure in judgement in reaching out after going NC. The results were catastrophic and I would highly discourage it. That failure in judgement has allowed me to be vulnerable and as every BPD will do - they will use that against you.

I hope you get so much better.

Underdog

[Leelee1981]

Leelee 1981,

I feel for you. As with me, I have been pretty much in check with my emotions and have always conditioned my mind not to expect anything from the BPD. This helps a lot in minimizing the hurt. Acceptance of their condition is the primary step. I am always ready guarded and anticipating, and to a big degree, that has contributed to the problems between me and the BPD as well.

Most recently, I made a failure in judgement in reaching out after going NC. The results were catastrophic and I would highly discourage it. That failure in judgement has allowed me to be vulnerable and as every BPD will do - they will use that against you.

I hope you get so much better.

Underdog

hey underdog... .thank you I appreciate the reply... .
I know all too well if I make that contact, I am eating out of his hand... .when ive done so ive known and done it anyway... .I don't feel like that anymore and I don't want to feed his ego or play the game anymore which is making this easier... .
but he also knows when I'm strong and this is almost a challenge for him... .as it was the day we met, I virtually threatened him with a restraining order and he merely took this as a challenge... .

I feel for your break in nc, ive done it soo many times... .start again, you can do it! if I can, anyone can!

I'm always vulnerable in his eyes until I'm quiet... .which is now... .which is when he flips his switch... .

I have considered moving to china of late )

[hopealways]

Gosh I totally understand. I relate to all of these feeling you are expressing. The same patterns over and over, then we do NC (for the 100th time) and wonder if/when/how they will return.
Realize that this wondering is the result of our own core trauma that started waaaaay before we met the BPD.
I have seen people on this board more traumatized than you or I deal with the pain and stick with NC even if the person shows up at the door and guess what they all eventually heal.
There was a guy named IRONMANFALLS on this board. He is my inspiration because he posted daily and was so so so hurt but he eventually healed and moved on, he doesn't even post any longer. I want to reach that place.
Hang in there! This is about you not him. Get better, stick with NC go out enjoy life. The misery we are putting ourselves in is all in our heads and hearts which means we have total control over it.  You can do it. We all can.

[lovenature]

Hi Leelee

You are far more than you describe, being in the FOG and depression cause us to see things far differently than they actually are.
PWBPD have psychological defences that all boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment.
Stay NC, the further out you get-the clearer things become.