Ex had an exit affair, son is around the affair partner, tough coping

[coping86]

Ex had an exit affair,  she presented the man that she already had told my son was her friend, as a boyfriend, 1 week after we moved away from each other. I still am having a hard time letting go. It's been 6 months since we separated. 2 months divorced. She is BP. I admit I was co-dependent on her. I am also having a hard time accepting this new man in my son's life.

It's just been tough. There's been so much to process in such a short amount of time.

I have tried being friends with her after the divorce, we see eachother often. But I can't do it anymore.

It is tearing me apart from the inside.

I have 50/50 custody, I'm with my son as much as she is, I have always been in my son's life every step of the way. It's rough missing him when he's gone and dealing with the fact that he's with this guy who cheated with my wife.

Just need some tips, advice, comfort, anything... .Thank you.

[thrownforaloop]

Hey coping,

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. That must really be painful. I really don't have much advice... .except that as a person who was also co-dependent on my exwife, I have been finding it always better during the times when I'm keeping talking to the ex to a minimum. We have been sharing custody with our son for a month now and I find I'm much happier during the weeks where we barely speak.

As a matter of fact, if you have other family members that you can go through instead, see if it's an option? I have been picking up my son through my ex's mom. I'm not sure how practical this is for your situation, but if there is another person to assist with the swapping, could help save hurt of seeing her.

[Mutt]

Hi coping86,



I would like to welcome you to bpdfamily. You're going through some painful life events, an affair is tough and you haven't been seperated for very long and you're recently divorced. I'm assuming that everything happened very quickly?

Ex had an exit affair,  she presented the man that she already had told my son was her friend, as a boyfriend, 1 week after we moved away from each other.

I can relate with that. My ex wife introduced her boyfriend that she had an affair with to the kids three weeks after she left. The last few months of our marriage was absolutely intense with the borderline rages and devaluations. My ex was projecting her shame and guilt of her affair on me and burning our marriage to the ground.

still am having a hard time letting go. It's been 6 months since we separated. 2 months divorced. She is BP. I admit I was co-dependent on her. I am also having a hard time accepting this new man in my son's life.

It's just been tough.

You haven't been divorced for very long, I can see how it would be hard to process things. You're going to find many members here that can relate with you and can offer you guidance and support. It helps to process a post mortem for your relationship and a break -up with a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) is very painful and it helps  to talk to people that can empathize with you. Are you seeing a T? ( therapist ?) A helpful combination of talking to a T and getting help from a support group concurrently is beneficial.

You have a lot to process but you were likely triangulated in your marriage when your wife was having am affair. A pwBPD will subconsciously cast you in the role of persecutor or rescuer. It's hard when you're wife is being rescued by another man and you don't have a voice in the marriage. Did you experience something similar?

I was resentful and very angry for a few months after she had left because she came out with ger boyfriend and they were having an affair for awhile while I wad married to my ex wife. She had little to no sympathy or empathy and I needed my anger to be validated.

I was livid when my ex wife introduced her boyfriend to the kids and she was defending her boyfriend and saying the kids and her where in a healthy relationship with the new man. I felt powerless because I felt like I had no control.

I have tried being friends with her after the divorce, we see eachother often. But I can't do it anymore.

It is tearing me apart from the inside.

I completely understand. How frequently are you in contact with your ex wife? Do you just see her at the switch on and switch off days with your son? What you're going through is emotionally distressing if you don't have people in real life that understand  BPD, it's an invisible disorder and the dysfunctional behaviors are directed at the people closest to them.

You're not alone. I would suggest self protection with minimal contact or controlled contact so that you have the adequate space to mend your wounds. I'm glad that you have found us.

[coping86]

thrownforaloop: Thank you, I also notice the less frequent I interact with her the more content I am. So this would benefit me greatly. We switch off on school days and on Sunday. But sometimes she invites me over for breakfast or dinner and I go to her place.

Mutt: Thank you Mutt, indeed they have happened very quickly.

My ex did that as well, she turned every nice memory of us into something terrible to justify the affair. I felt like our history just meant nothing to her. But she has to live with herself, so she must convince herself it's true. That's her reality.

I cannot afford therapy unfortunately, I go to walk in counseling sometimes. Nothing too frequent but any little bit does help. I have maybe 2 good friends I speak to about my problems and concerns. One of them is in a similar situation as me, it's been helpful.

Yes she made herself out to be someone who needed to be saved. From what I know she told the man she hasn't been happy for years. We had our issues for sure, lack of romance and intimacy. But she was not a damsel in distress either. We could have walked away from each other in a different way. But I don't think she was strong enough to do it, so she ended up doing it in the most painful way possible, for me.

I relate complete to the anger. And yes my ex also had ZERO empathy. I begged her not to talk to the man in front of me, while I was living under the same roof. But she didn't care. She told me I had to get over it and get used to it. She would talk for hours on end every day while I was in the other room. It was gut wrenching.

We can't do anything but accept it, but knowing this doesn't make it easier. At least it hasn't yet.

Unfortunately I have made the mistake of playing friend, going to her house to eat sometimes, fix things on her computer, go grocery shopping or to the mall. I have been too close to her. She asks me frequently for favors. But I need distance from her. I really do. I'm just afraid. I won't lie. I'm scared of how she may react.

Thank you, I'm glad I found this forum too.

[Mutt]

Hi coping86,

I understand how invalidating and painful that feels when your ex says to get over it. A pwBPD don't really process grief, grief manifests itself with anger an acting out. It's hard to watch your ex move on and we're knee deep in pain.

Unfortunately I have made the mistake of playing friend, going to her house to eat sometimes, fix things on her computer, go grocery shopping or to the mall. I have been too close to her. She asks me frequently for favors. But I need distance from her. I really do. I'm just afraid. I won't lie. I'm scared of how she may react.

I agree that detachment will help you get off the emotional rollercoaster and I understand how we would be worried about how are ex partners would react.

You are divorced and you're not obligated other than possibly child support. I sense that you didn't want this divorce? Am i right? What worked for me when I needed to self protect and stop the bleeding was parallel parenting with controlled contact.

You're right that you're ex will lash out if you thrown up boundaries that she's not used too but it will get better. You have members here that you can turn too for support as well as the walk in clinic, I would advise to go to the clinic as frequently as you can.

[coping86]

Mutt: Indeed, empathy didn't seem to exist in her case.

Yes I did not want to get divorced, I wanted to try to fix our problems and asked her to leave her affair and we would try to work things out with counseling, but it was too late for that, she was too emotionally invested in this person.

It was an uncontested divorce, no support or alimony, we both make the same thing and have the child 50/50 so child support wasn't part of the equation.

I think I will try to cut ties with her soon, still communicate for parenting reasons when necessary. But nothing more than that. Whatever happens at her house is her business and whatever happens at my house is my business, as long as our S7 isn't in danger or being emotionally or physically abused then we have no say in how we raise our child. I think that will be the best thing, just like parallel parenting.

Thank you for your advice, I will take the necessary action in order to live a better life and give my son the happy father he deserves. I will go to the clinic when possible and try to move forward in every way I can. THank you very much.

[HoldingAHurricane]

I have 50/50 custody with my children's father. Going from being there all the time to being there 50% of the time is a big transition. In the harder times, I tell myself that parents expect to spend less and less time with their children as they grow and this separation happens to us all sooner or later, it just came earlier than I planned to my family. I make the best I can of the week they are with me and when they aren't I work extra and self care my butt off. Eventually, we all found a new routine with the way things are, I hope you do to.

[coping86]

HoldingAHurricane: Yes it has been a huge transition. And on top of that dealing with so many other changes has been hard. I want to find that kind of routine. I want peace of mind.

I'm starting to worry if joint custody was right for our situation. At the beginning of her affair, around a few months into it after I found out, she said she wanted to move to the OM's country with our son. I thought she was out of her mind. She didn't even meet the man in person when she said that.

It made me really think if I should have gone for sole custody with still a 50/50 parenting plan in place.

But I don't know. She and my son have a good relationship but I'm afraid of what they could be manipulating him into.

She fast-forwarded this relationship my son has with this man.

She said the man would be like a father figure to our son, why the hell she told me this, I don't know.

But it hurts.

She has done things with this other man and my son that we used to do as a family.

Almost all the special "family" places we used to go to and stuff, she's done with this man.

It makes me sick.

What can I really do... .I'm trying to accept this situation.

I'm trying hard to accept it.

Right now my son's ok with all this, and when he talks about the OM to me it hurts like hell to have to hear but I just nod and say that's nice.

But I wonder what this will do to him in the long run.

[milo1967]

Hi, Coping,

You are not alone. My narrative is basically the same as yours: XW was having and affair, wouldn't stop, I divorced her, she moved the kids in with the affair partner weeks after introducing them (even before the divorce was finalized.) They are now engaged. I have 50/50 custody.

That was over two years ago. It's brutal, gut-wrenching, just profoundly painful. But as someone a bit further along, I will offer these simple words: it gets easier. Never easy. But easier. And there are only two ways that the situation will become easier, one of which you acknowledge: there is nothing you can do. You must work toward radical acceptance of a s--t  hand that life has thrown your way. The other simple truth is time. Two years from now you will not be in as much pain as you are now.

Above all, know this: that guy will never. Ever. Replace you. You are your kids' dad. Not him. I don't care how much your ex tries to play house or worse, alienate them against you. When the kids are with you, just be the best dad you can. If they tell you what a good time they had while there, smile and say "That's nice" even if you have to swallow your bile. And be glad if they really are having a nice time--as opposed to my situation in which the Replacement is a prick who has no kids of his own and doesn't like my kids and whom they don't like.

And when they are there? Let it go. You cannot control the situation. That was really hard for me at the beginning. But it got easier. Keep yourself busy. Exercise. Don't isolate yourself and brood and obsess over what they are doing. Remember: all is likely not what it seems. It's not parenting and family paradise over there. It's a cheap sham. Your kids will observe your behavior, which must be stable and peaceful. Be their safe place. Don't bad mouth their mother. Show them what a real loving father you are, and they will internalize your actions.

It's bitter, I know. So hard. Humiliating. But time will pass and the dynamic will change and your kids will love you as ":)ad," and not this hollow, home-wrecking impostor.

Hang in there.

[milo1967]

"Unfortunately I have made the mistake of playing friend, going to her house to eat sometimes, fix things on her computer, go grocery shopping or to the mall. I have been too close to her. She asks me frequently for favors. But I need distance from her. I really do. I'm just afraid. I won't lie. I'm scared of how she may react."

Coping, stop this RIGHT. NOW. If I permitted it, my XW would love to have me back where I belong, at her beck and call, like a good codependent. No. She has a new dupe for that. What she did to you is emotional abuse. Cut her off. No contact except as it relates immediately to your child. That's it. Detach or your healing will not occur and the pain will continue. It stops when you say it stops. She will not like this new you, for sure. Same with mine. But she made her bed. You owe her nothing. Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. Practice it. It gets easier. No more excuses, Coping. You are not her doormat any more. You divorced her. Act like it. Be strong.

[coping86]

You are not alone. My narrative is basically the same as yours

Thank you for the response and the advice. It is emotional abuse. I've been suffering terribly.

I'm sorry you have gone through the same thing. I don't know, I think it would be easier if my son didn't like the guy and kept his distance from him. It sucks that this low-life is a part of my child's life and that my ex made her story out to be the damsel in distress. She made me out to be the devil and this man feels righteous and justified for what he did.

I will be the best dad I can be. I'm trying to get help to get through all this, I need to be ok for my son.

I do want to cut off contact with her and not have to see her unless it's something important and necessary.

I need to get a parenting plan done with her, I don't know if she is going to do it. If she doesn't we would have to go to court to get one done. I pray things go well. I'm hanging in here. It is tough.

You know exactly how I feel.

I look forward to the pain becoming less.

I look forward to the progress.

It's been really really rough. And on top she's telling her family terribly intimate things about me that make me look like a bad person. She's trying to save herself in the face of this affair by bringing up things from the past. It's made rough even rougher.

[Mutt]

It's not fair. I recall filing in family court with the court clerk because my ex had checked out completely and she was idealizing her boyfriend and didn't want to deal with custody or divorcing. I got advice from here to get a court order for the kids so that I had court appointed boundaries that were in black and white on paper.

I recall the conversation that I had in our meeting with the court clerk and she said that it didn't matter if boyfriend was high on drugs. I can understand how it hurt when the another man is participating in family activities with the kids so rapidly.

Somebody else said that it takes time and that's true I would like to add validate that anger that you are feeling on these boards with people that are familiar with BPD. Your son has unconditional love for both parents and the guy is going to be a part of his life for awhile, not forever, it's hard to say how long. Be the emotional anchor to keep your son grounded.

There are two sides to every story. I recall when people stepped away from me with the stories about abuse. It was a lot of loss to lose my ex wife and losing mutual friends. A lot of our friends didn't give me the respect to ask me my side of the story, I had to question the validity of our relationship. The people that I want to surround myself with understand that there are two sides to a story and listen to me.

[coping86]

Yea it's rough. I went through all the paperwork and understanding of the process and had to do my research to know I had to get joint custody. The funny thing is we filed all our paperwork and thought it was done. Then I realized that we only said in writing that we would have shared joint custody. So I started getting really worried and ran down to the courthouse and ask if that writing was going to turn into court ordered custody. They said no, that I needed to file that under a different section and thank God I did, I got my ex to get down there and fill out a consent form for it. I was lucky the papers weren't getting processed already.

I'm getting more help. I signed up for online therapy. I'm also seeing a counselor next week and my old psychiatrist this Friday (for a couple sessions only). I've been sort of breaking lately, emotionally speaking. But yes I NEED to be the emotional anchor for my son. My ex doesn't have any respect for me. I don't want to even see her again but of course that's unrealistic. I will however try to keep my distance from her and soon propose the parenting plan to her and then cut ties with her.

I'm so sick of the position she's put me in. What people must think about me. And God forbid someone talk to my family about it.

Such a lowlife. I'm sorry I'm venting. I just didn't ever think she would do such a messed up thing, ON TOP of a messed up thing.

[icesoul]

"Unfortunately I have made the mistake of playing friend, going to her house to eat sometimes, fix things on her computer, go grocery shopping or to the mall. I have been too close to her. She asks me frequently for favors. But I need distance from her. I really do. I'm just afraid. I won't lie. I'm scared of how she may react."

Coping, stop this RIGHT. NOW. If I permitted it, my XW would love to have me back where I belong, at her beck and call, like a good codependent. No. She has a new dupe for that. What she did to you is emotional abuse. Cut her off. No contact except as it relates immediately to your child. That's it. Detach or your healing will not occur and the pain will continue. It stops when you say it stops. She will not like this new you, for sure. Same with mine. But she made her bed. You owe her nothing. Remember: "No" is a complete sentence. Practice it. It gets easier. No more excuses, Coping. You are not her doormat any more. You divorced her. Act like it. Be strong.

Great advice