Trying to leave but scared

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I was told by a couples therapist a few years ago that my spouse probably suffered from BPD but I did not really look into it until recently when it has become a nightmare situation. We have been separated for almost 6 years but over the last 2 years as I have made steps towards becoming more independent and finally making steps towards a divorce, that he has become rageful and really unpredictable. He has said many times he feels alone and "struggling" and asks to come over-our 2 kids are here which is why I was reluctantly allowing him to come and stay sometimes, but if I didn't say he could he would get angry and end up coming over anyway. There have been a few times when his demands have been so heightened-and maybe fueled with drugs-that I was scared of him. He constantly questions me about where I am and implies that he know I am with someone else-which is not true. I finally found this site because about a week ago he told me after getting upset because he felt I had not heard him out in a heated conversation that I had to help him release his anger by being sexual with him. He even threatened me when I said no that it could be worse-I was the cause of his anger. I want to finish the divorce and set more boundaries so I can feel safe, but if I even say I feel threatened by his words and rage he gets even more enraged. I once suggested having to get the police involved and he flipped out. Please-anyone that can offer a way for me to start breaking away legally and emotionally while avoiding escalation of his threats. I wish he would get help, but I'm not sure that will happen. I want to start loving peaceful again. I am trying to find a therapist for me too.

[Inneedofhelp]

I was told by a couples therapist a few years ago that my spouse probably suffered from BPD but I did not really look into it until recently when it has become a nightmare situation. We have been separated for almost 6 years but over the last 2 years as I have made steps towards becoming more independent and finally making steps towards a divorce, that he has become rageful and really unpredictable. He has said many times he feels alone and "struggling" and asks to come over-our 2 kids are here which is why I was reluctantly allowing him to come and stay sometimes, but if I didn't say he could he would get angry and end up coming over anyway. There have been a few times when his demands have been so heightened-and maybe fueled with drugs-that I was scared of him. He constantly questions me about where I am and implies that he know I am with someone else-which is not true. I finally found this site because about a week ago he told me after getting upset because he felt I had not heard him out in a heated conversation that I had to help him release his anger by being sexual with him. He even threatened me when I said no that it could be worse-I was the cause of his anger. I want to finish the divorce and set more boundaries so I can feel safe, but if I even say I feel threatened by his words and rage he gets even more enraged. I once suggested having to get the police involved and he flipped out. Please-anyone that can offer a way for me to start breaking away legally and emotionally while avoiding escalation of his threats. I wish he would get help, but I'm not sure that will happen. I want to start loving peaceful again. I am trying to find a therapist for me too.

[joeramabeme]

ineedhelp

Welcome to BPD family, glad you found us.  Sorry to hear what you are going through.

A few important questions before I reply to your content.  Are you and your children safe?  You mentioned feeling threatened and his being rageful and drugged.  Your family safety is paramount.  Please let us know ... .

Regarding his behaviors and your living arrangement with him; it sounds as if you have never really detached and he has been living his own life and a semi-married life? Perhaps you have some questions about the right approach to keeping the marriage together or wondering if it should be over.  Have you had any therpapy up to this point?  It sounds like this would be very helpful.

How about friends and family, are they supportive and aware of what is happening.

JRB

[Turkish]

Hello Inneedofhelp,

I'd like to join JRB in welcoming you here,  I'm glad you've found us  

You've been in a precarious situation for a while.  It's hard to keep the peace given a disordered other parent, and substance abuse adds fuel to the conflict.

We can certainly help you with communication tools which can reduce this on your side, but at the end of the day,  abuse and threats lay squarely with him.  Sadly, your story isn't uncommon here.  You can take a look here:

3.03 | Domestic violence  [women]

You may be hesitant to reach out for help (and you experienced how he reacted when you mentioned the police), but there are local domestic violence hotlines which you can reach out to anonymously.  It would help to talk to a local voice on the phone who can help you develop a safe plan for you and your children.  

Turkish

[Inneedofhelp]

Thank you for the helpful words. I do feel like my children are safe, and I would not hesitate to get someone else involved if it seemed like his threats were going to be acted on. It is more that I feel like I am "walking on eggshells" (which I saw was a book that I plan to order) and just holding my breath until the next episode. I would love tools to more effectively communicate with him, and at the same time I am continuing the divorce process. I am looking for a therapist for myself, but want to make sure they have experience with BPD so they can help me with strategies as well.
It does help hearing there are other people going through some of this, so in the really difficult times I don't feel so alone.

[Turkish]

This may seem counter-intuitive since you posted to Detaching and it seems like you're leaning towards divorce, but the lessons on the improving board can help you understand more about BPD, and the tools in Lesson 3 can help reduce conflict as you are going through this: Lessons for Members Staying and Improving a Relationship with a Borderline Partner

Though I was detaching,  I had to live with the mother of our children (then 1 and just 4) for four months until she could move out. I wasn't dealing with violence and threats like you,  but rather the fear of she taking the kids.  The tools helped us.  Take a look and tell us what you think.  

Talking to a T is a very good idea. My ex dealt with DV in her subsequent r/s and between her T and talking to a local DV hotline, it helped keep her and the kids safe.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi Inneedofhelp,

Welcome! I'm sorry that the prospect of divorce has causes so much upheaval in your relationship. Divorces are hard enough; the additional stress can wreak havoc on our wellbeing. I'm glad you joined the community, as you will find people who understand what you are going through.

Your plan to learn tools to help communication between you and your ex is a great one. And the tools you'll find on the site will help in all your relationships going forward, too.

Seeing a therapist really helped me after my breakup with pwBPD—I'm glad you are planning to see one yourself. An objective, emphatic ear can make such a difference. Since you mentioned you were sometimes scared of your husband, I encourage you to think about a Safety Plan. Even if things seem fine right now, it's much better to have an idea of what you will do if things do escalate, than run around with no plan in the heat of emotions. Hopefully you'll never need it, but it can give you peace of mind knowing that you have backup if things get out of hand.

By all means read as much as you can on the site. You'll learn valuable skills that will help you move forward. As   Turkish said, the Improving board has many great lessons that will be helpful for your situation.

You might also take a peek at the Family Law, Divorce, and Custody board. Members there have been in similar situations and will share their experiences.

I know it's a lot of information to take in. Take your time and explore the site, and most of all, keep posting. We are here for you.  

heartandwhole