This is My Story Part 2

[redriver]

Then one Monday morning, we got out of bed and she told me that she had the day off of work. I said “cool”. I got ready for work and we kissed goodbye and I went off to work. As I work in the financial institution where she banks, I received an email from her asking what she still owed on her car loan. I replied to her and then asked if she wanted to meet for lunch. She replied that she couldn’t because she was meeting her cousin. That seemed very odd to me as usually her cousin was not able to leave work during the work day. About an hour later she sent me a message saying  that she was done with her cousin so I decided that I would go home at lunch and surprise her. The surprise didn’t go as planned because she seemed so put off that I was there. She asked me if I would go home for lunch often.

 I ended up going back to work and when I came home, I was not able to get more than two words out of her. I asked at least 7 times what was wrong and then out of nowhere, she says,  “think we should break up”. I was in shock at this and asked her what was wrong. She said, “we are just so different you and I” and I asked her how we were different and she replied “ well I want kids and you have kids already”. We had never even had a conversation about kids. At least not a serious conversations but I always said that  I wanted to have one more or maybe two. No matter what I said she had a “NO BUT” response. The next morning we both got up went to work. After two days of this, she came home and told me she was just not herself and that she did love me and wanted to make things work and that I was the greatest person she had ever met, and so on.

That next weekend she had plans again to visit her family again and I was supposed to go along. The night before we were supposed to leave she told me that she wanted to go alone. I agreed but it left me feeling very uneasy. When she got back from her visit she once again told me that she wanted to break up. After two weeks of her being back and forth about leaving and staying, I overheard a conversation with her and her mother about her wanting to call her old landlord and see if she could get a place in the old building. After she was done talking to her mom on the phone I went an asked if “This was done” she replied “yes”.
SO now comes the really crazy part. She started to tell me that she was on days off or she started working a different a 10 to 3 shift. I really didn’t think much of it at the time. She sent me a message saying that she was going out with her cousin for dinner and that she might spend the night so I should not wait up.
She ended up coming home around midnight so I got out of bed to see how she was. We casually talked but something about that her being out with her cousin did not sit right with me. She came to bed and instantly fell asleep.

I suspected something was up so I got out of bed and looked at her phone. I was shocked to find that she was on POF and Tinder and that she was sexting and sending nude pics to at least three different guys. It also seemed from text messages that she drove an hour out of the city to hook up with some guy.  I woke her up and asked “What the heck”. She responded and I will never forget this as long as I live “we are broken up, I just move on faster than you, that’s all” I was flabbergasted she had no guilt, no remorse, she was 100% fine with going out and banging some guy, while sleeping next to me still. She had not event attempted to move out yet but the dating app’s were in full swing.
The next couple of days were pretty tense in the house. She was still texting and sexting and unknown to her, every night I would keep looking in her phone, and every day there was more and more pictures and talking about hooking up, always a new guy. I still can’t wrap my head around how she would say often when we were together, “when I’m with someone, I’m with them”.
One evening we were talking and the conversation turned in a sexual direction. At this point my emotions were running very high and I was still hoping that she would see that I was there for her, and that I was worth staying with. I suggested that we could have sex. Her response was, “Oh, I don’t know, you and I are friends”.  I suggested that we keep kissing out of it and it would just be sex. She said “ok” and was naked within 5 seconds. That turned into a few hours of the most amazing sex I had ever had in my life. The same thing happened the next night. We took a break the night after. I continued to look at her phone and noticed that she was starting to talk to yet another new guy but this one was a little different than the others.
The night before she went out to a “work function” and came to tell me in detail how the night went, and what co-worker said what and so on and so forth. The next night I overheard her talking to her mom about going out with him the night before, and he was “amazing” and she could tell that they had chemistry and that she could see a real future with him. I was completely shocked at what I was hearing because she had told me about the work function with great details and here it was all a complete lie. I couldn’t believe that she was able to lie so well. Now keep in mind she still has not found a place to live, or done anything to separate finances or anything that one should be doing at this point. This is when I really started to look at everything she was saying and weigh it against the facts. Later that evening she could tell I was upset and came to talk to me. She started to tell me about this guy, and how he was “super nice” and how I would like him. As if I could? She was telling me about the pictures she was sending, I asked about how that was being done. Then she pulled out her phone and showed me an app that looks like a calculator and in it was hundreds and hundreds of pictures of her, in every position, and every kind of thong she had, playing with herself, you name it, it was there. I asked why she had all of these, and also when she took them. Apparently all of the 10 to 3 shifts were a lie and she was not actually working. She told work that she was in a car accident and needed time off and told me that she was working.
What I found out during that time was that she had a history of sleeping with almost random men. She started to show me some of the guys that she was talking to on POF and tell me about her sleeping with these men. She would say, “ I Fu#@ed that guy” “I met that one at the bar took him home” and my favorite was “ I was messaging with this guy once, he picked me up, went to his place fu@#ed and then he drove me home, I never knew his name”. She was happy to tell me this, she had no shame or apprehension, that the guy she was telling this to was the one she had professed her love to and all that other crap.
We continued to have sex and the no kissing rule ended fast and we even got together after she moved out the next month. She sent me a text one evening and said that she was going on a date and that she was super nervous. I told her to relax and just be “yourself”. I guess they hit it off, because from that point on, she would almost never talk to me, would make plans to each other, and always had a reason cancel the last minute. Within two weeks she was living at his place outside the city, by month two she was quitting her job, she had told me shortly after they met, “this was going to lead to marriage”. She moved in with him the next month. The Facebook posts started very soon after that. The nonstop dedications of love, and how this was the greatest guy ever, all the exact same things she would post about me, word for word. She still wanted to see my kids from time to time, and I would agree because they missed her. The times she did see them, all she could do was tell me how great this new guy was and how much she loved him. I know she knew how much that hurt me and it was like she needed to stick the knife in me. I stopped trying to connect or really have anything to do with her after that. I still had access to her calendar and I could see that she was marking her ovulation cycles. And I thought that was probably not good. You don’t have to be super smart to see when a person is trying to get pregnant.
After being with this guy now for eight months she contacted me recently to tell me that she was pregnant, and it was an “opps” and that is just happened. I know it didn’t just happen; the new guy is likely being lied to. I sit back and I think about the whole year, and I can’t comprehend everything that has happened and how things turned out the way they did. I don’t understand how one day she was in love with me and the next I was so easily discarded. I did find out that she had the picture app on her phone and she was on the dating apps before she ever said anything to me that she was unhappy. I’ve since kept a list of all the lies that I know about. How as soon as she met this new guy I was nothing, I can only imagine what she tells him about me. Am I now the EX that was mean and abusive. God know what else.
I never heard of Borderline Personality, until I was reading an article about rebound relationship’s, and I googled what BPD was, and when I read the traits, it fit like a glove. The depression, the ADD, the lies, the fast moving relationships, the bad ex’s, the stories about how she would cut herself when she was younger, the temperament, it all fit. I have never felt this hurt and sad in my life, I still can’t really sleep, don’t eat much at all, I feel like and empty shell, and shadow of my former self. I see a counselor, and that helps to vent, but I cycle back and forth, I want to still be with this person, knowing all I know, and seeing all I’ve seen. I honestly don’t think I will ever trust again. I have felt so sad for so long, I cannot remember what it was like to feel happy. Here was this person that made me feel so happy and wanted. They built me up and made me feel like I was worth something; here was a person that made me feel like I mattered. I have always had issues with self-esteem, or a lack of, but I felt safe

[DepthTested]

The question you must figure out is "Why would you stay with somebody who is so obviously damaged?" She has BPD, but you allowed her to victimize you. Believe me, I say this from experience, not judgment. Most likely, your own childhood has conditioned you to rescue people. She exudes neediness and you want to fix her. You may not be consciously aware of this, but it's there. You also have poor boundary setting capabilities. Healthy men would have told her to hit the road the second they discovered she was lying and cheating. But you didn't, you decided to forgive her and give her the benefit of the doubt. Why?

Please, get a good therapist who is an expert on BPD and understands how BPDs damage people. All therapists are not created equal, so finding one who fully understands BPD is very important. Again, I say this from experience. I wasted a lot of time with a therapist who walked me deeper into the problem. By the time you realize you've been ensnared by a BPD it's too late, they've got their hooks in you. By all means, get in this woman out of your life—immediately. Go full "No Contact" right now. (Look this up if you don't know what it means.) To continue to be involved with this woman is causing you emotional pain now, but it could cost you deep financial loss later. These people are con artists. They will rob you blind. (Be very, very glad you aren't the guy who knocked her up. Trust me on that. Children are weapons in their hands.)

I wish you all the best. I can hear the agony in your post. Please, please, please, continue to work with a good therapist who understands BPD.

Good luck, you'll need it.