Disheartened, Sad and Confused

[Sadly]

Hi all

I really need to tell you this. I was doing so well, months and months NC, ignored all his attempts, blocked and then removed myself from social media. Became slightly optimistic, determined, very sad but not 24/7, new job, it was going well and then I saw him, at the supermarket. It was like being hit in the face with a brick.  It was like all the months NC hadn't happened. All I wanted to do was run to him, heart and arms open wide. I didn't. I went to the ladies room and was violently sick and then sat shivering and crying for what seemed like hours. Crawled home, under duvet and cried all night. went sick from work and there I was, back to the bad. I have recovered some since then, come on here, back to work but also back to dragging myself through each day, constantly thinking of him, loving him, knowing him for what he is but loving him anyway. I am back to barely sleeping, crying at night and trying without success not to go over and over our first wonderful few months.
He has not replaced me, I know he doesn't feel confident or good about himself enough for that, in fact I long suspected that the only reason he was with me was until he did, so as not to be alone. Biding his time with me until he felt good and then he would replace me with someone younger, prettier or whatever it is he needs.

I am so very bitterly confused and disheartened with what has happened. What do I have to do? Move to bloody Mars? He made rubbish out of all the love and care I gave him, constantly belittled and reprimanded me, was bullying and controlling withholding any love or affection, talked to me like I was something he had scraped off the bottom of his shoe. Thoughtless, unkind selfish, the list is endless. He filled such a large part of my head and heart and I such a small part of his. He took my love and trust and ripped them to shreds as if they were nothing, broke them and me.  WHAT AM I DOING, crying over this man. Two years ago he trampled on my dreams and still I stayed and hoped. How he must despise me for my weakness, how I despise me for it too. Am in such a mess and so so gutted. I comment on peoples posts here, what right do I have to do that? I appear once again to have no pride, no self esteem, no nothing that's worth having.What a bloody godawful mess I am.

[once removed]

hi Sadly,

sorry to hear you are hurting 

do you feel you have grieved the relationship? i ask because it sounds like youre judging yourself harshly for feeling something toward him, and no contact has very little bearing on the grieving process beyond giving us some space to do it.

[Sadly]

Hi Once removed

I guess I haven't no. I never stopped loving him, just removed myself physically. I passed the anger with him stage a long time ago once I knew about BPD and how ill he is. Didn't stop me loving him though and sadly as much as there is to dislike about him there is so much to love. I tried not to let the illness be the sum total of the person. It's me I am disappointed with, big time. I feel my mental health is as flawed as his. I just don't know what to do with all this love and pain that's filling me.

[once removed]

It's me I am disappointed with, big time.

why? what with?

i think its healthy to see the sum total of the person we are grieving.  i also think looking at our own mental health is a healthy part of detaching. i think it should be done gently, but as close to objectively as possible.

im wondering both if you are seeing a therapist, and where you feel you are in the stages of grief.

[Sadly]

Because I was proud of myself for stepping, actually tearing myself away from so destructive a relationship. I thought I was getting on top of things, dealing with it. And clearly I am not. To be physically sick with grief when I saw him answers that one I suppose. I am nowhere in the grieving stage, nowehere at all. As for me, I can be quite objective about my faults, my co dependency and poor boundaries, my need for love and affection. I know where they come from in my past and am aware now to look out for them in the future. It's not easy in the U.K. To get therapy. My doctor sorted one for me once but she wasn't very good, knew nothing much about BPD or its aftermath and overly  stressed the importance of not jumping of a tall building to such a degree I could have cheerfully pushed her off one.

[once removed]

My doctor sorted one for me once but she wasn't very good, knew nothing much about BPD or its aftermath and overly  stressed the importance of not jumping of a tall building to such a degree I could have cheerfully pushed her off one.

your sense of humor is still intact 

you had a reaction to trauma, and you did what you needed to do. that is one way to healthily grieve. grieving really started for me when i gave myself permission to do it, without judgment, and also with the expectation that i would have highs and some deep lows.

so it would seem to me the question is getting there, and how to. im sorry to hear getting therapy in your area is hard. it may be that there are simpler avenues and resources to look into that im unfortunately not familiar with.

have you worked the lessons to the right -------->? they are a therapeutic process, with tools, and a good path to healing.

[Sadly]

 Yes, I think I will have to go back to the lessons and start at the beginning again. I didn't know about giving permission to grieve and stuff. I thought I was doing so well. Sometimes now it overwhelms me, I can barely breathe and today I left work early again which is not good. I don't want anymore pills, they make me feel fuzzy but maybe I should go back to the doctors again. It all makes me feel such a failure though. Thank you for being here. x

[Fie]

Hi Sadly 


You are not a failure, you are human - like all of us.

If you did not heal properly, or not at all, it's only normal that you have to start at the beginning. In that perspective it might be a good thing that you accidentally met your ex.

That must have been a traumatizing experience.      But now that's out of the way, time to start healing !
I can recommend 'the journey from abandonment to healing', have you heard about it ?


xx

[Sadly]

Thanks Fie
Isn't it odd, I can say those words to someone on here who is hurting and needs to hear them but not apply it to myself. Why is that I wonder?
I think I can't have healed, it was devastating. I have heard about it and read some, like everything else, I suppose I had better go back to the beginning. I'm so tired, I want to sleep tonight but my head comes alive with memories and sadness as soon as I put my head on the pillow. My job is super stressful and I need sleep to concentrate tomorrow but it just doesn't happen. Thank you for your hug. Don't know why but my huggies and smileys aren't working.
Love from
Sadly x

[Fie]

Sometimes sleeping in a different place can help ! Like on the sofa.

Please allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. You will get through this. One day at a time.

[Sadly]

Thank you
I will try my single bed tonight, see if that works, I just feel am back to square one when I thought I had come so far

[vortex of confusion]

 

I wanted to offer you some support.

You mentioned that you are the one that tore yourself from the relationship. Does that mean that you ended it with him? I ended things with my husband of 18 years last year. Intellectually, I know I made the right choice. I still have to see him because we have kids together. It has been a year yet seeing him still has an impact on me physically. Depending on how long I am around him, I sometimes get upset stomachs or feel like I was run over by a bus. I don't know why this happens. I think it is because seeing him brings up the bad stuff that happened in the relationship.

So much of the bad stuff that happened, I excused away or outright dismissed. I didn't give myself permission to be upset or hurt by it. I tried to tell myself that I am strong. I am blah, blah, blah. At the end of the day, I WAS very much hurt by the stuff that happened. When the stuff actually happened, I pushed aside my feelings. When I have reactions to him, I think it is my subconscious slapping me upside the head. Like you, I still love ex because we have kids together and spent so many years together. I don't know that I will ever stop loving him. However, I can love him from a distance and be perfectly okay with it. I can't wait for the day when seeing him or talking to him doesn't give me anxiety.

I recently started working with a therapist and there are days when I wonder why I am doing it because I have days where I just want to cry or run away. It all feels so overwhelming. Going NC may have made it possible for you to avoid your feelings and your grief. Seeing him and having that kind of reaction could be your subconscious slapping you upside the head and telling you to let yourself feel stuff and grieve. It isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination.

 

[LastSamurai]

Hi all

I really need to tell you this. I was doing so well, months and months NC, ignored all his attempts, blocked and then removed myself from social media.

Hi Sadly,

How long exactly have you been NC from him and how long were you two together before the breakup?

[Sadly]

Thank you Vortex
Yes, I walked away, in fact he has never left me, I have always been the one to end things, when I couldn't stand the hurt he inflicted and loneliness I felt when he was bad. Sadly I always went back, not this time I didn't. You are so right about intellectually knowing it was the right thing to do, it's the dealing with the emotional side that grabs you doesn't it? I guess your right too, I went to the doctors several times because of feeling unwell, inexplicable nausea etc and yet when not around him I didn't get it. Also with having children you would have to do the brace, I'm dealing with things stuff wouldn't you, for their sake. All so very sad. I have a hideous nervous eczema that comes on my hands when I get upset or stressed, they are on fire at the moment. I hope the day comes sooner for you rather than later about being ok when you see him, you sound lovely. And I think your right, I didn't grieve, perhaps for me going NC was a form of running away.
"There are times you need to run and hide but sometimes you have to stand and face the music, even if you don't like the tune". I need to get some strength up to deal with all this. Thank you so very much Vortex.
Love from
Sadly xx

[Sadly]

Hi Last Sam
Well, I stopped counting but at least 5  or 6 months NC. We were together for over two and a half years. X

[LastSamurai]

Hi Last Sam
Well, I stopped counting but at least 5  or 6 months NC. We were together for over two and a half years. X

Thank you. I was trying to get a timeline to get a better understanding of your situation. We're all here for you.

[vortex of confusion]

Yes, I walked away, in fact he has never left me, I have always been the one to end things, when I couldn't stand the hurt he inflicted and loneliness I felt when he was bad. Sadly I always went back, not this time I didn't.

Ex and I went back and forth for the last several years of our relationship. I am the one that finally ended it. There for a while, he loved reminding me that I am the one that invited him to leave. I did feel guilty about it for a while. The truth is that ex abandoned me and left me before I ever asked him to leave. I am sorry but the things that he did to me were NOT okay. He acted as though we would still be together if I had just let him stay. He seemed to equate us being together as him doing whatever he wanted while I sat idly by taking whatever I could get. That is NOT a relationship. He checked out of the relationship well before I ended it. I was fighting for the relationship and our family and he was fighting for his own self interests.

I have felt less lonely without him in my life than I ever did when I was in a relationship with him. Taking a back seat to his video games, other women, pornography, his church, his music, or whatever his latest obsession was got really old. His obsessions changed over time. It was very difficult to make the decision to end things. Because I am the one that ended it, it can sometimes be easy to fall into the trap of thinking that it is my fault because I ended it. He wasn't willing to do the work involved in being in an adult relationship and I wasn't willing to sit idly by and take whatever just to be in a relationship with him. It was an impasse. I did the healthy thing and put a stop to it.

You are so right about intellectually knowing it was the right thing to do, it's the dealing with the emotional side that grabs you doesn't it? I guess your right too, I went to the doctors several times because of feeling unwell, inexplicable nausea etc and yet when not around him I didn't get it.

It is important to pay attention to when this stuff happens. Since ex has been gone, I have had very few stomach episodes. I still get them occasionally but it is mostly when he is around.

I need to get some strength up to deal with all this.

What kind of support network do you have? Before I found a therapist that I was comfortable with, I relied pretty heavily on my friends and this forum. One of the thoughts I had when I read that you need to find strength was that maybe you don't need to find strength as much as you need to allow yourself to be weak. I am saying that because of my own experience. When you mentioned that you were disappointed in yourself, I could really relate. One of the things that I rarely allow myself to do is be weak. That is what I need most in order to let myself grieve and heal. I need to be able to cry without feeling guilty about it. I need to be able to vent somewhere to somebody without being told that I have no reason to be mad or upset. I need a safe place where I can say whatever is on my mind without fear of it being held against me (or ex). It is accepting that I don't have to be strong 24/7. I know that it is tiresome to be strong 24/7. Maybe you can find some strength from your weakness.

[patientandclear]

I went to the ladies room and was violently sick and then sat shivering and crying for what seemed like hours. Crawled home, under duvet and cried all night. went sick from work and there I was, back to the bad.

Sadly, I wonder if it would help to understand this as a clinical symptom.  I interpret this (the shaking and sickness) as your body processing seeing him as a threat, a danger to your survival.  A few years back, I had had a painful break with the man I loved wBPD.  At length I stepped away from looking at any SM traces of him, the woman he was seeing while thinking he was concealing it from me, etc.  I completely closed off avenues of information, endured great sadness, accepted his choices, and was doing a bit better.  Functioning.  Then he reached out in a fairly dramatic fashion.  To assess what I should do in response, I went to look at his and the new woman's FB pages to see what the situation might be.  As I went to look, my body began shivering violently; that went on for quite a while.  I think my body recognized information coming through those channels as a threat to my core well-being.  This is not weakness -- this is a warning system.

How he must despise me for my weakness, how I despise me for it too. Am in such a mess and so so gutted. I comment on peoples posts here, what right do I have to do that? I appear once again to have no pride, no self esteem, no nothing that's worth having.What a bloody godawful mess I am.

Again, this is you reacting to an actual danger to your wellness.  It isn't weakness or being a mess.

This stuff is so painful.  It makes no sense that someone who seemed so trustworthy and deeply connected could turn around and hurt you so much.  It's a mammoth wound and it is completely reasonable that it continues to affect you and bring you low when you have to stare it in the face. I'm sorry it's hurting so much at the moment.  I've so been there.

[UnforgivenII]

I just woke up and I have a long day in front of me. I will write later. But I wanted to hug you  and I wanted to say... .I agree with patient and clear. And besides... Contact. Contact is toxic. I am moving in 4 months time. I wish I could do it sooner.

[Larmoyant]

This stuff is so painful.  It makes no sense that someone who seemed so trustworthy and deeply connected could turn around and hurt you so much.  It's a mammoth wound and it is completely reasonable that it continues to affect you and bring you low when you have to stare it in the face. I'm sorry it's hurting so much at the moment.  I've so been there.

Sadly, what P&C wrote makes perfect sense to me too. You have been traumatised. One minute loved, the next minute shoved away in the most hurtful of ways. Your body remembers, your unconscious remembers. The shock of seeing him has brought it all to the surface. Let it come and up and it will slowly go away again. I know it hurts, but you really have come a long, long way. Hang in there Sadly. Recovery isn’t linear, but you are doing great.   

[Sadly]

Thank you all for being here and your hugs and love. Yes P&C it makes perfect sense to me too. It is a clinical symptom as is the burning excema on my hands and all the other physical manifestations. I am just so shocked and bitterly disappointed, I really thought I was doing so well. Today has been long and hard. This morning I got a call to say my beloved Aunt and Godmother has passed away. So very sad. They say it never rains but it pours don't they.
I don't really have  a support system. Two good friends close bye but I don't see them a lot as we are all working different times. They know about him and some of what it's been like but when we get together I don't want to spoil our time by banging on about it. I have a small family but we all live a long way from each other. I have always been a loner, I like it that way, hadn't even been out with anyone for years and years when I met ex. I fell so hard and fast as he seemed to do with me. Therapy isn't easy in the uk as I said to Once Removed at the start of the post my doctor sorted one out for me but she knew little about BPD and it's aftermath. She just overly stressed the importance of not jumping off the top of a tall building to such a degree I could have cheerfully pushed her off one. She was rubbish. I have you all though, and my little cat. Lar, you are an inspiration and Unforgiven I feel your pain and yet see how supportive to others you are, it's lovely. Thank god for all of you.
Love from
Sadly xxxx

[vortex of confusion]

Sadly, I wonder if it would help to understand this as a clinical symptom.  I interpret this (the shaking and sickness) as your body processing seeing him as a threat, a danger to your survival.

Thank you for pointing this out. This is something that I often forget. It is the body going into fight or flight mode because this person has been so harmful to me in the past.

this is you reacting to an actual danger to your wellness.  It isn't weakness or being a mess.

This is a very good reminder. I tend to dismiss myself as being weak or a mess without really acknowledging that ex has done some really hurtful things. Given that I couldn't predict when he would say or do something hurtful, it makes perfect sense to tense up and have a physical reaction. He has been out for a year yet I still have a hard time accepting that he was an actual danger to me and my well being. Yes, he is a danger to my well being and my body is reacting accordingly. The next time I find myself wondering why I feel physically ill around him, I will have to listen to my body better.

  Sadly,   I am sorry to hear about the loss of your Aunt and Godmother. 

[lovenature]

You have every right to comment on others posts Sadly, the genuine person you are shows through and resonates with others who are hurting and struggling.
Remember that the more we love a PWBPD the more they hurt us and push us away, it is an awful mental illness that we so wish we could conquer with love but it only causes more pain for both partners.
I don't know everything that has happened to you over your lifetime and especially since being with a PWBPD, and that is why I believe in not judging someone unless you have walked EVERY mile in their shoes, and we should judge ourselves accordingly to what we have been through-have self compassion like we so easily have for others.
Recovery takes what it takes, go one day at a time.