Overwhelmed by Conflict Reactions

[louisiana77]

Hi everyone. I read about this site in _Stop Walking on Eggshells_  and decided to check it out. I'm currently married to someone who I love and want to be with. Their volatile reactions to people who upset them, though, confuse and trouble me, as does the fact that, as their partner, I feel compelled to defend those reactions whether or not I agree with them. I often find myself in the middle of impossible conflicts between my partner and others in our life. It sucks! Looking for other stories to help clarify my own.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woolspinner2000]

Welcome Louisiana77!

Thank you for reaching out and posting a bit of your story with us! I'm really glad to hear that you are focused on staying in your relationship. I've stayed in mine for a long time, 32 years, and there definitely have been some big challenges over the years. Have you taken a look at the list on the right hand side of this board? You'll find so e interesting reading material there! ----->> >

It is sad but true that the high conflict which exists in a relationship (such as what most of us have here) can make us feel like we are going crazy at times. Have you ever felt that way?

Sometimes I don't know whether to defend or to stay out of it. One of the most helpful things my T taught me early on was to step out of the middle of the conflict. I felt super torn about that at first, and it has taken practice to change. I felt like I put on my referee shirt and had my whistle ready to blow at the first inkling of trouble brewing between family members. How does it feel for you? What do you notice that works or doesn't work for you? How do you feel afterwards, happy, sad, satisfied, or perhaps conflicted?

I'm glad you read Stop Walking on Eggshells! What did you think of it? It's a great book that has provided insight to many others.

You'll definitely find many other members here who are in situations similar to yours. Keep hanging in there, post and let us know how you are doing. We are a family here for you. 

 
Wools

[louisiana77]

Thanks, Wools. It's good to have an ear, even an electronic one. I've burned through much of my sympathy quota with friends and fam, whose ears I've bent backwards over the past yr. Aside from the fact that I don't want to deal with the personal and social rupture of a divorce, the truth is that I really love this person and love being with them most of the time. They are also really supportive of me when things get tough, unless, that is, they feel slighted by someone else in our community. Then, the knives come out. Biting comments and even insults that seem clearly destined to make things worse. Yccch. It perplexes me to watch them go after someone that's upset them; it seems like I'm watching a different person seek different solutions than any I can imagine. What's most frustrating, though, is that I can't really 'call it out.' My partner is a pro at venting anger in a way that makes the recipient feel helpless and shut down, and even more of an expert at defending this methodology after the fact. If I criticize the anger, I'm a 'victim-blamer,' trying to take away my partner's capacity to create their own boundaries and speak their mind. It makes me feel disconnected, ashamed and frozen. I also become volatile and passive aggressive. 'OK,' my inner judge says, 'if I can't settle this with you openly, I'll find another way of evening the score.' Cue my silent routine, my pretending everything's OK when it's not, punctuated by unpredictable outbursts about seemingly unrelated things, all designed to let my partner know that, even though I can't force them to take responsibility for their part in any of the ongoing community conflicts, I can let them know things are not OK and never will be. I get dark, withdrawn and self-berating. I've never made a suicide plan but I've fantasized about it as a way out. I feel so ashamed for not being able to fix things. It makes me want to either run away or smash everything in sight. Then, things settle and get good again, often really, really good. It's a roller coaster, though, and I want off. I think my partner does too, but, like me, doesn't quite know how. They just feel like they're doing what they need to do to protect themselves. We've been to one therapist the but, honestly, we wore him out. I'm seeking another. My partner doesn't like couples therapy but I've insisted on it and they are game to try another counselor. I'm hoping we can make some progress before things come crashing down.