What to do as an adult child of a BPD parent?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Is it normal for mothers with BPD to burden their children with their emotions and awfull experiences, as if the kids are their psychologists/emotional containers who are expected to sooth them and comfort them, and then get angry when they don't get validation of their feelings from their children, calling their children cold and insenstive comparing them to their own mothers?

How is an adult child suppose to handle this? With empathy, validating the feelings, comforting the mom or completely avoiding the role of being the mother/psychologist?

I'm highly empathizing with my mom, I feel sorry for her, I know her story and I understand her needs, but on the other hand, when I compare her to my dad, she is burdening me with her issues and not handling the life on her own. My dad never did that to me. He kept his problems to himself. Well, most of the time.

I'm more of a grown up than my mom. I've handled getting and I'm still handling living with 5 chronic illnesses without her ever asking how I'm doing or if there is anything she can do for me. She never bothered to call me on the phone or visit while I was living in another city.

I visited her in the hospital yesterday, and she got angry at me for bringing her flowers, strawberries and a magazine. In the end I had to ask if I could get a thank you - not for myself as much as for her own sake, since being grateful makes one conscient of what one has here in life and can help to feel loved.

She told me how awfull the gastroscopy was, and now I'm wondering if I should have asked how it made her feel and comforted her, instead of just saying: "I know, but the worst is over now. You can relax." Then I distracted her with flowers and strawberries, probably burying her feelings and needs of the child within her for comfort and understanding. Did I make things worse for her?

I'm confused. What should a child do? I don't want to be her friend, her mother nor her psychologist. I think it's unhealthy for both of us if I go into one of these roles. Should I just move away to another city and let her be comforted by the health personel? Or will that make things worse for her?

[Towanda]

Is it normal for mothers with BPD to burden their children with their emotions and awfull experiences, as if the kids are their psychologists/emotional containers who are expected to sooth them and comfort them, and then get angry when they don't get validation of their feelings from their children, calling their children cold and insenstive comparing them to their own mothers?

How is an adult child suppose to handle this? With empathy, validating the feelings, comforting the mom or completely avoiding the role of being the mother/psychologist?

I'm highly empathizing with my mom, I feel sorry for her, I know her story and I understand her needs, but on the other hand, when I compare her to my dad, she is burdening me with her issues and not handling the life on her own. My dad never did that to me. He kept his problems to himself. Well, most of the time.

I'm more of a grown up than my mom. I've handled getting and I'm still handling living with 5 chronic illnesses without her ever asking how I'm doing or if there is anything she can do for me. She never bothered to call me on the phone or visit while I was living in another city.

I visited her in the hospital yesterday, and she got angry at me for bringing her flowers, strawberries and a magazine. In the end I had to ask if I could get a thank you - not for myself as much as for her own sake, since being grateful makes one conscient of what one has here in life and can help to feel loved.

She told me how awfull the gastroscopy was, and now I'm wondering if I should have asked how it made her feel and comforted her, instead of just saying: "I know, but the worst is over now. You can relax." Then I distracted her with flowers and strawberries, probably burying her feelings and needs of the child within her for comfort and understanding. Did I make things worse for her?

I'm confused. What should a child do? I don't want to be her friend, her mother nor her psychologist. I think it's unhealthy for both of us if I go into one of these roles. Should I just move away to another city and let her be comforted by the health personel? Or will that make things worse for her?

[Panda39]

Hi Towanda... .love your screen name 



Welcome to the BPD Family    I'm glad you've found us.  If you're like me you will find a lot of tools, support, knowledge, a listening ear when you need to vent... .just a group of people that "get it".

Is it normal for mothers with BPD to burden their children with their emotions and awfull experiences, as if the kids are their psychologists/emotional containers who are expected to sooth them and comfort them, and then get angry when they don't get validation of their feelings from their children, calling their children cold and insenstive comparing them to their own mothers?

What you are describing in the above quote sounds like enmeshment to me and it is a very common behavior when it comes to BPDmoms. Below is a link to more information on enmeshment... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

How is an adult child suppose to handle this? With empathy, validating the feelings, comforting the mom or completely avoiding the role of being the mother/psychologist?

IMO the two biggest tools that can help with this are boundaries and validation. Below are links on those topics.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I know other members will be along shortly to give you their feedback and ideas. 

Glad you've decided to jump in and join us 

Panda39

[Towanda]

Thank you for welcoming me, for your reply and informative links Panda39.   

Sorry, for the late response. I red your answer right away and it helped a lot.
Enmeshment pretty much hit home - it described the dynamics of my family. I'm still amazed that this actually is a pattern and that none of my therapists have informed me about it. 

Got to find time to watch Fried Green Tomatoes soon. Get my Towanda back in shape. 

Thank you for taking time to help me.