Desperately want out but scared

[Inneedofhelp]

I have just recently realized my spouse has all signs of BPD. While this has allowed me to understand there are reasons for his erratic and rageful behavior, it has spiraled to this point where I need to take the next steps. We have been physically separated for almost 6 years, but he is constantly finding ways to stay or be at my house-supposedly seeking comfort and to be near our 2 children (ages 8 and 12). We tried marriage counseling (she was one who suggested to me individually of his probable BPD diagnosis) but he would not actively try the tools our therapist suggested and it has been 6 years of conflict-just the last few months it has become overwhelming. I finally started the divorce process-I thought we had agreed to mediation at the time, but his rage and fears of abandonment have taken over so only my paperwork has been filed. The lawyer, not understanding how volatile this situation is, suggested to just serve him instead of trying to handle it peacefully together. I am scared of the rage that will definitely come if done this way. Last week I saw a ray of hope when spousewBPD said he would go to finish papers and "let me go"... .but that was immediately followed with a rage episode and a cancelled appt.
He says that this affects him so deeply because it will take his kids away from him, but what he can't see through his BPD (and maybe narcissism) is that his erratic behaviors are more removing him. I am willing to have joint legal custody, but lawyer suggested sole physical custody because I have stable living situation-he will freak out about that.
As much as I try to shield the kids from his behaviors, I know this has to be affecting them. Lately he is so angry all the time, and shows up at my house in middle of night and insists kids can't hear the awful things he says to me.  I know not best to do but there have been times where I told him I might need to get police help if he didn't stop because I feel threatened and alone, and he has rage violently in words about how that wouldn't end well. 

[Anonymous0991]

Ohh my heart goes out to you! I'm such a similar spot right now except ours are three and five. And we've only been apart for a few weeks. But otherwise, everything would go in my story! I'll be following this, but I just want to say I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and to stay strong!

[Inneedofhelp]

@anonymous0991 Thank you for the support-I too wouldn't wish this on anyone else. What are you doing to help you? I have been so alone in this for so long, but am afraid to involve anyone else. I was just reading about FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) in a resource on emotional blackmail on this site. I fit in to all of that. They outline steps to take but it's scary when they say if it doesn't work you need a safety plan. We dont deserve this. Sending hugs.

[ForMySon]

One of the things that's helped me the most in being here is that we all have a very similar story. I remember when i first started reading things here I was blown away. I could remember those exact stories happening in my house. It really is comforting to be here knowing that the people here are struggling with the same issues, because it seems to never end. I've found it a great place to vent as well, and have gotten amazing feedback from the community here.

[Inneedofhelp]

@formyson Yes, it has provided some comfort. Please share any resources that have helped. I'm am trying to come out of my fog, and not let this destroy me. I am stronger at times than others, but I know I can't just let it keep happening in the same way for much longer. I don't want to involve my family because it would cause them so much stress and want to take immediate legal/police action to protect me but that could make it worse, especially on the children.

[ForMySon]

I read stop walking on eggshells and i hate you don't leave me while trying to work on things.

I read splitting which will provide considerable help with what's to come.

I continued using the couple's counselor so i didn't have to explain what i was going through. She had quit going by that time anyway. She has helped me to direct my focus.

Family and friends will be vital during this time. You will need all the support you can get. This road is extremely tough. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done.

[flourdust]

One piece of advice I'm going to give you is to change lawyers. You need a lawyer who understands and has experience in high-conflict divorces. You will get steamrolled during this process otherwise - your BPD husband is likely to get much, much more adversarial during divorce.

[ForeverDad]

As flourdust emphasized, you need a lawyer who is equipped, prepared and capable to go to trial if necessary.  Sorry, virtually all that find their way here to the Family Law, Divorce and Custody board cannot succeed with a lawyer who specializes in forms filing and hand holding.  Yes, all lawyers, and courts too, prefer and even push for mediation and settlement agreements but you can't afford to lock yourself into those limited scenarios.  Major hearings and trials are a fact of life with most of us who have high conflict cases.  For that we need problem solving, proactive lawyers.  We need a variety of strategies at hand because some will work and some won't depending on the situation.  We need a lawyer with experience to keep the important issues in mind so a hearing or trial doesn't drift off course and get nothing accomplished.  We need a lawyer who can call the emotional claims and BS from the Ex for what it is.  We walk in with documentation and logic, Ex walks in with emotional claims and negative advocates, we need every advantage we can get.  A lawyer who is out of his/her depth is not who we need.  Of course, don't expect your lawyer to know all the psychological diagnostic labels or agree with every detail you want brought to the court's attention — my lawyer just called my ex #!#! crazy and at court skipped some of the less consequential complaints — but he knew overall how to handle the case.

[Inneedofhelp]

I understand about the lawyer, but I don't have the money for that and right now he is not even filling out the initial forms let alone trying to get something. I have the stable job, home and plenty of references. He has no money, not even a stable job and he rents a place with a roommate that would not be considered a home. I wasn't planning on trying anything extreme because he is ok with the kids, and I don't expect child support-I've been making it on my own for years. I just want to finally say he is my ex and get that distance between us.

[ForeverDad]

So you need (1) parenting schedule, (2) custody defined to handle major issues and (3) divorce.  Perhaps also an RO or PO to keep him off your property except for exchanges and perhaps even then make sure they're done at the street or some other location.  Right?  Which comes first?

A lot of this is setting boundaries, probably you've already set boundaries for visitation schedule, etc.  Also, you may want to do this in stages.  If nothing is in writing except for assorted emails or other communications, then maybe a parenting/visitation schedule is a place to start.  Perhaps combine in who has which sorts of custody voice.  Once you have it fleshed out to what you think will work long term, then have it reviewed by a family law attorney (lawyer).  Edit to incorporate the needed changes.

Once you have that and the two signatures and he is more or less following it, then you can seek to have it filed with the court.  That may be part of a divorce filing.  I guess what I'm saying is to get the less triggering things done first, if possible.

• List primary parent, typically that is the parent who has majority time and whose residence decides where the children attend school.
• Identify custody, full/sole or joint.  Joint is less triggering but be careful not to leave it equal joint.  List yourself as having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  That avoids your reasonable decisions being logjammed and put on hold for months while the issues are being contested.  Also, he may mot feel shut out if he is 'joint'.  Even if his decisions are limited by DM/TB he can still present a public face having joint custody.
• List the schedule.  Many fathers default to alternate weekends and a brief visit in between.  Will he have overnights?  Will his weekends be long or short.  Short weekends could be Sat am to Sun pm, or even less.  Medium could be Friday pm to Sunday pm.  Long could be Fri pm to Mon am (so school can be the exchange site).
• List the holidays, including children's birthdays, generally the parents alternate and then in alternate years they're reversed.  Likely your county already has a holiday list, review it and exclude any that don't apply.  For example, if Kwanzaa is observed, strike it for the list.  My story, one time I had to go to court and describe how my Hispanic ex demanded Kwanzaa to sabotage my mid-winter vacation notice.  To the court she explained that even if she wasn't of Jewish descent she still wanted to observe it.  If you know what Kwanzaa is and what it is not, you know the court saw she was only interested in blocking me.
• Determine what the vacation guidelines are.  Again, your county probably has a some guidelines.  Will each parent get up to 2 or 3 weeks of vacation?  Is the maximum length two weeks at a time?  Is a one week vacation up to 7 days or 9 days (including two weekends)?  Is a two week vacation up to 14 days or 16 days (including three weekends)?
• Where are exchanges?  Is there a time window for the parents to arrive?  (My county was a half hour to allow for traffic, weather, etc.)  What if one parent is a no show without advance notification?  What if it is a repeated occurrence, does the other parent have to keep showing up anyway?
• Who pays for daycare, before or after school care?  Who pays school fees such as supplies and school meals?  If private schools are used, how to parents share tuition or is reimbursement limited to what the public school costs would have been?
• If a child is ill, does the non-primary parent still get the children?  Does the level of illness impact the schedule?
• Many clauses in typical parenting orders have boilerplate language assuming cooperation, for example, common references are to 'reasonable' things such as telephone contact and 'mutually agreed' things such as exchange locations.  Should your parenting document be more specific to limit discord, pressuring, obstinacy and other sabotaging behaviors?
• And the items can go on and on... .  Remember, if not spelled out, it could be a way to put you at and unreasonable disadvantage.  You know ex's history and where he may be more likely to act out.