6 months NC done, tips and advice.

[Infern0]

Hi guys so im at about 6.5 months of NC now so i just want to give an update and some things that helped me.

Overall i feel good, i have come a long way.

The biggest thing which helped me is ironically the thing that is perscribed for them, and that is mindfullness.

I am a lot more realistic now when i look back at our relationship. I realize that man, i had many problems of my own and in some respects we were as bad as each other.

Instead of blaming her (and really, blaming someone with a serious mental illness, thats silly if you really think about it.) I instead focused on a few things.

1. Why did i get involved in the first place

Main reasons were: Desperation, Lonliness, and lack of knowledge.

2. Why did i stay

Desperation, feeling i would never get any better, misplacing my need to work on myself and fix myself onto fixing her.

3. Why did i tolerate abuse

Desperation, thinking she would get better eventually etc

4. How did I contribute to the relationship being bad.

Neediness, codependent manipulation, not listening, covertly putting my needs first

5. What i need to work on myself.

Mental health, mindfullness, clarity, finding a purpose, physical health, building a social circle.

6. Steps i am taking towards that

Meditation, quitting addictions, quitting job to study a field of interest, moving in with social friends, training at gym with friends who are in great shape, cleaning up my diet, doing things im scared of.




All up ive cone far. I saw three friends on the weekend who i hadnt seen in 6 months and every one of them commented on my appearence  (im in way, WAY better shape now, and just my overall "aura" seeming a lot stronger.

Its great to get that feedback, but theres still a ways to go!

As for my ex, i have no ill will. Meeting her and going through all that was a catalyst for great change which i NEEDED to go through.

I have had nc for 6 months although her best friend, i bumped into told me she is seeing a much older guy now and that it's not going well.

I dont take any pleasure in that, but on some level it validates that the cycle goes on. But at the same time it'd be nice if one day she gets herself sorted and figures out how to ve happy.

To conclude, focus on you.

Blaming them and victimizing yourself wont make you feel better. You feel better when you put the focus on YOU and start to make progress in self improvement and start to achieve goals.

Thats really where self esteem comes from. And i think for most of us, lack of that is what causes so much pain. Its a lot less to do with them than you think

[g2outfitter]

Great post... .very true.

That is what I am in the process of... .shifting my focus from her to me.  I think it really is the only way to truly heal.

Self-improvement is the silver lining I will take from this experience.  I just wish it didn't take something so traumatic to make me take such a long look in the mirror... .but I guess that's exactly what it took.

[michel71]

Super great post. Thanks for checking in and giving us all tips. It really helps and I personally really needed to read this tonight.

[marti644]

  Infern0

Inferno, thanks for the update. Sound like you're doing great. You have a great perspective and I agree. We have to focus on ourselves. We are not the white knights we thought we were and blame shifting doesn't help healing. Mindfulness leads to freedom.

[Infern0]

 The most important takeaway for me.

For the longest time my mindset was "i just want to help her yet she treats me like this"

Translation "I belive I need her to feel good"

Once you can see whats ACTUALLY happening, you are 90% recovered, just like that.

[statsattack]

Great post

What resonated with me was the good version of my x had this magic touch and new how to calm down my anxiety ( which i wasn't aware of). I didn't want to lose that person and feeling and did what I could to save her.

[marti644]

 Exactly Inferno, I feel myself slowly getting on the road to freedom every time I remind myself of this.

A few other things I have realized recently and am trying to deal with.

1. That I believed that this person was central to my happiness. This was wrong. I need to be happy with myself, alone, above all others.
2.That without them to fill the void inside myself I wasn't whole. This void wasn't created by them.
3.Yes there was and is a great gaping void of unworthiness, low self-esteem, and general desperation within me that had nothing to do with this person. They just triggered older deeper wounds, which I am grateful for, because now I am much more self-aware and can live a more emotionally mature life.
4. That my "helping them" was inherently selfish and self-serving in the end because I believed helping them made me a good partner, which should not be the core of a healthy relationship, respect, honesty, and commitment should come before "helping". You shouldn't have to carry your partner in a relationship, especially from the very start. That's just not healthy.
5. Blaming her was wrong. She is seriously mentally disordered and needs help. It would be cruel of me to knock someone like this down when they clearly need so much help. While sad I can't help it is not my problem anymore. I hope her the best, which isn't easy but is the right thing to do.

[once removed]

it sounds like really great work youve done, Infern0, thanks for sharing it.

mindfulness was central to my recovery, too, and ive found it very freeing. i have learned to cope far better in my life, and to grieve as well. to be self aware of my feelings, and to learn to sit with them, and listen to what theyre really telling me.

this stuff takes time, of course (especially in the immediate aftermath), but it will stay with you for the rest of your life.

[kc sunshine]

Hooray Infern0! Thanks for the updates, they are very encouraging

[CooperD]

Hi Inferno,

Great post and glad you are doing well.

I am at almost exactly the same time period as you - divorce papers signed in November 2016 and NC ever since (beyond her randomly calling in december to try to scare me that she may have HIV - she didn't). Anyway I am almost into my 6 months of NC and I also feel so so much happier.

I agree with everything you wrote regarding letting go of any anger / hate towards the BPD.  It serves no purpose only to prolong our own misery.

When I think back now I smile and let out a huge sigh of relief that I really am free.  The abuse I experienced pushed me to the point of seriously planning to end my own life (due to her threats of rape allegations/financial/sexual abuse etc) and so I effectively feel re-born and having experienced what I did - nothing now poses any problem.

Like you I have excercised so much and feel in the best shape I ever have done.

I have met a wonderful girl who I have told all about my previous experiences and she has listened and supported me.

I completed counselling which made me finally realise that it was not all my fault and that I could not "make her better".

For those reading this thread and in the early stages of NC - it does get so much better as Inferno mentions - providing you fight and fight to help yourself drag yourself out of the pit that these realtionships put you in.

I finally see a future for myself again and have learnt so much from what I experienced that I know now how to make my life happy.

Good luck everyone.

[Ironcalves]

Hmmm - I dunno, I think blaming them does help

People with BPD are of weak character, sure, they've got a mental illness, but I'm not sure it's any more of a struggle than codependency which many of us have. As I understand it, we both faced similar issues in childhood - we went golden child and they went rogue. This coping mechanism is to be a lying ass and ours understanding and overcompensating - sure - if you are preprogrammed to search the truth and yourself - as a codependent is - curious and wanting to make situations better - you stand a better chance of resolving your issues.

Many of these people are exposed to professional help, resources, us, helpful people, kind people and just can't change - does that make them bad people? For me, yes it does. Bad and lazy!

What we can't blame them for - is our lack of judgement and strength for getting involved with them - but are they bad people? In a moral, Christian society where they had every chance and understand the moral code but choose to disrupt it for their own gain - yes, it's simple, they are bad people.

I blame them for being bad people - it's my fault for not seeing it -but peddling the idea they are blameless may leave us open to not spotting it again. They are bad cheese, they stink, let's take the pegs off our noses and we'll be fine! To deny this, to try and share blame about and play moral equivalency games is one of our traits. Ask your brother, or sister or friends who are not codependent and I bet the house they think this person is a bad person and will call it as it is.

[marti644]

Ironcalves,

Respectfully I disagree. What I learned about the disorder is that the they lack the very self-awareness to understand their own emotional state most of the time. It is more complicated than them simply being "bad and lazy".

Can people be "bad" and have mental illness? Yes of course.

My ex purposely gave me and STD with someone she knew had it who she cheated on me with, then blew up on me and discarded before I found out a few weeks later. I suspect she had engulfment issues and also was guilty about the cheating so she needed a way out.  This is not the behaviour of a good moral person, which is why I have run as far away as possible from her. I will never talk to her or see her again. I pegged my nose.

But I also know that she is so messed up in the head that she thinks I gave it to her. Her brain is messed up its not a choice. She was abused as a child and doesn't know up from down. She is disordered. Me knowing this doesn't mean I apologize for her actions. Far from it. It just is an understanding of the dysfunctional thought patterns of a sick person.

And I am not sure about what society you speak of. The truth is all countries, regardless of religion are struggling with dealing with mental illness and their are too few resources and a great deal of misunderstanding about the causes and therapies of a variety of pathologies. And from what I have learned the core of a Christian moral society is  love which fits perfectly with having compassion and forgiveness for the sick; unconditionally.

None of my family and friends understood what actually happened between me and my ex. Most said "get over it" or "you dodged a bullet move one" etc. But me understanding the causes of my discardment and behaviour is important to me because it allows me to heal. I shouldn't blame myself and neither should you. We had no idea about the disorder and nor should we have, there is very little knowledge of BPD and other PDs. These are very subtle pathologies to the untrained eye.

I also don't want to be hateful. While a good amount of justified anger is healthy I don't think in black and white, and I don't think the world is just good and evil, lazy or productive.

There are shades of grey. Also this is a way to prove I don't have BPD, which makes me happy everyday!

[Sadly]

I agree, such black and white thinking is a very BPD trait.

Well done Inferno, inspirational x

[Ironcalves]

Someone purposeful gives you an std and you don't want to consider them bad but make excuses for them?

They are of low moral character and weak minded - can they help it? Yes. It serves them to act this way.

[Duped 1]

Someone purposeful gives you an std and you don't want to consider them bad but make excuses for them?

They are of low moral character and weak minded - can they help it? Yes. It serves them to act this way.

I would add in my case that not only was she of low moral character but she would criticize me for being of low moral character and tell me how much integrity she has. Do I feel she is a bad person-absolutely without a doubt. Is it all her fault-no but some of it sure is. She knows the difference between right and wrong and chooses the latter but pretends to be perfect.

[OptimusRhyme]

I would add in my case that not only was she of low moral character but she would criticize me for being of low moral character and tell me how much integrity she has. Do I feel she is a bad person-absolutely without a doubt. Is it all her fault-no but some of it sure is. She knows the difference between right and wrong and chooses the latter but pretends to be perfect.

This intersection is certainly the epicenter of my struggle, and I imagine a lot of others on here, and speaks to a bigger judgment on the nature of personality, mental illness, and free will - where do we draw the distinction between empathy and knowledge (that our cultural/societal understanding of the chemistry and physical reality of the brain and our experiences, as well as the behaviors and psychology that result,  are constantly evolving and changing) and personal responsibility?

I feel like I now understand a great deal more of why my ex was a high conflict person, and her core trauma isn't her fault - she certainly didn't ask for it, and if given the choice, would immediately jettison it. She would routinely talk about how aware and loathsome of this part of herself she was, even going so far as to frame it as "me and her versus her BPD" during the discard. That said, I fully believe her core trauma is her responsibility. How do I reconcile my understanding of the situation and her history with the incredibly hurtful results it invariably produced?

I eventually settled on this - if my goal is peace, harmony, and happiness, I won't affect or inspire her to those qualities by villifying her or appealing to the idea that she is, objectively, a bad person. After all, shame and pain are the bricks she built this house with. And truth be told, once the ego comfort of objective righteousness faded (or fades, this is a process I continually remind myself of), I'm left with the pragmatism that, regardless of whatever she does and who she is from here on out, I was a pretty wonderful person to her who did his best, and was treated in a way I find totally unacceptable.

Whether that means my best isn't as good as someone else out there's best, or that the quality of the non-BPD partner doesn't matter, is irrelevant - we put in the ingredients, and the recipe was one I won't be tasting again. Even if I assume BPD is a completely curable condition (I'm not at all sure what I think about the pathology of BPD), and even if she was suddenly cured with my replacement, I am not interested in the enormous work it would take to constantly hold my reservations based on her past treatment of me in check in order to maintain any sort of contact with her.

She said during the discard,  "I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment. There are easier people to love."

And she was exactly right. Whatever standards of judgment I want to evaluate the situation with, the underlying truth is that it's an exhausting amount of mental effort, and I have more rewarding ways to spend my time.

[Ironcalves]

Hey Duped

It is important we do own our part of what happened in these relationships.

I've been on a journey now with this for 7 years and 3 years separated from a personality disordered person. I've been through the excruciating pain we all felt for that first 3 months or so. Now I'm through it and have been out for 3 years NC I really think I was fighting an addiction, that it wasn't love, that we caught in this strange dance that could only have happened due to my boundary-less and lack of self care personality.  in the cold light of day my 'love' for her was totally irrational and I'm even doubting now that it was real - that's just amazing considering how 'heart broken' I was. I wasn't heart broken I was in detox and it was the same kind of pain!

Mine criticised me the same, accusing me of all sorts and my boundary less self took it all on board despite massive evidence to the contrary. It had never occurred to me that anyone might want to deliberately hurt me, because I went out of my way to make the world feel comfortable. I no longer do, if people get upset or cry or throw their toys I let them, it doesn't throw me off kilter - and this has been a huge transformation and the crux of why I don't believe I'll fall into this trap again. I've learnt that I control my thoughts - I can choose now not to think about things (do you control your thoughts or do you thoughts control you - empaths do like to their emotions and thoughts run wild). I wish The world was not a place where we needed to develop boundaries and mental strength - but is - and we all better - or we're open to manipulation by these people

[Duped 1]

I was clearly addicted as well and she took advantage of me. I didn't enforce boundaries initially as I didn't feel I should need to with the person I love. I had never seen someone so selfish that would just try to run someone else over while proclaiming their never ending love for them.  There were red flags early but I was being love bombed big time and overlooked them and I stayed way too long and gave way too much to a person who cared only about themselves.

[statsattack]

What really helped stop being depressed is understanding the quote you can only control what you can control. I am able to forgive her because I don't think she chooses to have BPD and much more that comes with the illness. Once you can say to yourself how it's not my fault this happened and its not her fault entirely and you seperate the two people its easier to forgive the one you love.

They have a illness they can't control that is something that deserves forgiveness. They have a illness that they are choosing to neglect and not control which is why they don't deserve a second chance

[Ironcalves]

What really helped stop being depressed is understanding the quote you can only control what you can control. I am able to forgive her because I don't think she chooses to have BPD and much more that comes with the illness. Once you can say to yourself how it's not my fault this happened and its not her fault entirely and you seperate the two people its easier to forgive the one you love.

They have a illness they can't control that is something that deserves forgiveness. They have a illness that they are choosing to neglect and not control which is why they don't deserve a second chance

It's absolutely fine that you believe it's an illness they can't control and if that gives you comfort and helps you that's all that matters.

It never sat right with me, mostly because I saw her turn her 'ill' on and off frequently - screaming and going nuts at me and then a knock would come at the door and she'd be sweet as light. Not only that, our codependency is also a mental illness as much as theirs imo - we became coda or empaths in childhood to cope with our childhood and they went the opposite way in many cases - I see this often - the golden child (is/me) and the problem child (them), if they can't control their PD then why can I control mine- believe me my level of suffering as a child was much greater than hers and many BPD I met.

I did buy it - but I no longer do - I think they can control it when they want but any little stress or the reasons to control it become less compelling they descend into PD - schotzophenia and mania yes - BPD and npd - it serves them to act like jerks has since childhood and they can't be bothered changing - why would you!

[marti644]

Someone purposeful gives you an std and you don't want to consider them bad but make excuses for them?

They are of low moral character and weak minded - can they help it? Yes. It serves them to act this way.

Ironcalves, they aren't excuses and I am not apologizing for her behaviour far from it. I just have compassion. I have plenty of healthy anger at what happened and it is quite justified. This has been plenty difficult for me I don't say these truths lightly.

That being said, being filled with hate and belittling mentally ill people doesn't serve me well. She will make her own path and because I am not a mean-spirited person I do not wish her or anyone else ill will. She has her choices in life and I have mine. I managed to get away from her so I consider myself lucky. Enough said. Time to move on and build a better life.

[CooperD]

From my opinion I can hold real anger towards my BPD and the terrible things she did to me.  However I think the point I'd make is that holding that anger really achieves nothing for me.

When I think about her and get angry it only makes me feel worse.

I can close my eyes and remember what it was like being punched several times in the face by her and the frantic dash to the hotel reception to get them to book me a taxi out of there at 1am.  I can think HOW DARE she do that to me and make me feel that way but what does that achieve ? For me all it does is make me focus on a past that can no longer be changed.

By not looking back in anger i am exerting control over my own emotions - something my BPD could not do and something which killed our 'relationship'.

When the relationship ended I did have anger towards her and a real desire for revenge - to make the world aware of some of the things she did - but with time and space that has abated.

She is no longer part of my life and so there is no point being angry towards memories.

[Ironcalves]

Hey Marti

Your journey is your own but I don't think it's belittling people with mental health problems - I guess this is boiling to a difference on what I think of BPD and Npd and what you think. The dsmv may include these as mental illnesses (and take them out as and when it suits them) but like I said I have seen this behaviour turned on and off like a light switch to suit - unlike actual mental illnesses like schitzophrenia - for me, it's bad behaviour and immoral but that's just me and how I see it. I don't see myself as belittling mentally ill people because to me and my experience they are not mentally ill, they're badly behaved and it suits them and has been a coping mechanism since childhood. Just as my codependency helped me survive / it no longer as an adult serves me - and it took work to drop it - work they don't do because we all bend to suit them.

I'm not angry at them - if I'm angry at all I'm angry at myself for being such a sucker! That's how I view myself for tolerating this - I'm not calling you one

[statsattack]

Ironcalves this a learning forum no right or wrong just a place to share what we have been through.

Everyone mourns differently and the not hold it against a mental illness got the ball rolling of stop being depressed. I'm still angry and want what was taken back but I'm done letting guilt consume me like it has.

[Gracie0521]

as someone still in the relationship and wanting it to continue.
As someone also in agreement with you about focusing on self how does one do that?
I have been trying so hard and meet great resistance everytime I try to do domething to better me. A hobby, trying to meet people, the gym.
to the point that by the time it comes around I have no energy left for it because I have been accusation bombed all day. I dont know how to handle this.

[statsattack]

as someone still in the relationship and wanting it to continue.
As someone also in agreement with you about focusing on self how does one do that?
I have been trying so hard and meet great resistance everytime I try to do domething to better me. A hobby, trying to meet people, the gym.
to the point that by the time it comes around I have no energy left for it because I have been accusation bombed all day. I dont know how to handle this.

You have to figure out what it's  going to take to work and if your partner will pull his weight or not

[Infern0]

as someone still in the relationship and wanting it to continue.
As someone also in agreement with you about focusing on self how does one do that?
I have been trying so hard and meet great resistance everytime I try to do domething to better me. A hobby, trying to meet people, the gym.
to the point that by the time it comes around I have no energy left for it because I have been accusation bombed all day. I dont know how to handle this.

Do what's right for you regardless if your partner tries to stop you.

Explain clearly that this is something you want, and need to do, and that it will make you a better person which can only benefit the relationship.

If she is unreasonable and leaves you because of it, well, you did the right thing.

You have to work on you if you want a good relationship, BPD or not, you degrading doesn't help anyone. And you have to take personal responsibility in the RS.

[marti644]

 C<|||Ironcalves

You're right it is merely a difference of opinion, but to me there is no right and wrong, only differing opinions on ways of healing from these traumatic experiences. I am 3 months NC and my life has only got better in numerous ways since my discard, and as my anger recedes it only gets better.

 I tend to follow the standard line that this is a mental illness. I have dated people that were not good people and that is far different than dating the disordered. They are delusional, hence the term borderline, where they straddle the line between sanity and psychosis. Either way the whole thing is just sad and I'm grateful to move on. Good luck on your journey.

[getfree]

Like Infern0 I am about six months out and it's great to hear from someone giving an update after the same period of NC.

As for the anger/forgiveness I see both sides of the debate and my own feelings on this are a function of how I am "doing" that day I guess. When I am practicing mindfulness and in a good place I think I can see the situation for what it was: my ex has a serious (diagnosed) mental illness and despite being in and out of treatment since she was 14 appears to have very little control over her behavior at exactly the time she needs to have control of it.

Sadly she can analyze herself before and after the event but not during! I can't help but feel sadness/compassion for this reality but I don't want to deal with it and some of the things said/done still make me almost shake with anger.

Why I am not sure it is fair to do is to assign blame necessarily - my ex at least has a tragically lonely and sad existence that I really wouldn't wish on anyone so ascribing blame and other negative emotions seems almost pointless.