Trying to remember who he really is when I heard him laughing today

[Idsrvt2]

So on day one of reclaiming my ability to go outside my home as he delivers ... .I heard him laughing and joking with a neighbor... . 

It stings it hurts that I've been cut off so coldly... .for many years he was the bright spot in my day... ,now my house is skipped ... .reinforcing how I no longer exist.

but the truth is that odds are his voices in his head as he walks tell him how horrible he is still... .
He talks to these people to gain facts about their lives because this is his real life 2nd life
He is enmeshed here
As he walked next door it was as if I could hear a pin drop the silence defening... .
It didn't need to be this way... .I've broken up with guys before and we cool off for a bit and then can be civil and friendly
Instead I'm left feeling devastated... .he has cost me time , he has cost me now two places I could have moved into... . 

So he can laugh and fake it's all ok... .he can talk to the neighbors knowing I talk too... . 
in July this all will be lifted , eventually he will have to face me and what he has done ... .of course he has made up a lie I'm sure that I attacked him

I know the truth , and so does he.  All I wanted was to help him and in the end I lost myself

[Mutt]

Hi Idsrvt2,

It didn't need to be this way... .I've broken up with guys before and we cool off for a bit and then can be civil and friendly

That's a really difficult thing to go through when our pwBPD seem to change into someone that is full of anger and vitriol, it hurts because sometimes we're just trying to help and we're met with hostility. It's like a light switch gets turned off and the person that we fell in love with is replaced, that's painful.

A pwBPD don't see the world or people in it as an integrated whole with good and bad, a bad person has good qualities and good person has bad qualities, you've probably heard of all or nothing thinking but that's exactly it, a defense mechanism takes effect when our pwBPD feel stress or anxious, it's called splitting and it's a maladaptive behavior that's supposed to protect them but as you can see it's very destructive in r/s's, it's understandable why a pwBPD have unstable r/s's. Intimacy triggers BPD, a pwBPD will split those people that they care about the most

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks Mutt,

The thing that is most strange about my story that I haven't seen posted on these boards is that mine warned me... .said he hurts everyone and he was trying to keep me away from him as he hurts everyone... .I was stunned , and that was the beginning of it... .two days later he took those statements back said it was a lie and he was just trying to scare me off from the truth. Truth being he was raped and sexually mutilated.
I'm not sure if the rape was true ... .because what choose that time to bring it up... .makes no sense.
A month after he came to me and said being with me made him realize how far gone he really is, he expected me to break up with him. I of course did not. 

He just was falling apart I thought he had bipolar despite him saying he felt he had depression and a personality disorder.
His therapy appointment was rescheduled, so we got back together ... he dumped me the day after his first appt.

There is a ton I struggle with ... my reactions ... me texting him when he told me it hurt him.   
There is just so much to digest.  The protection order was initiated by him... no merit to it ... .all it did was cause more pain to me.   
I come here often and just post even if no one replies because this is just so difficult. 

My x has more than BPD going on... in July despite all I've done to try And Haley he will get all his firearms back.

Oddly he seems ok he doesn't have them, maybe he's released as when we were together he said he was surprised the family didn't take them after he told them he almost killed himself while hunting.

I'm glad atleast I know I did my best to get him help... .his family can't see he needs it... they rallied around him in court.  When his atty came across and said he dumped me because he has low self esteem and felt I deserved better and that was the only reason... .that is bs ... .it's how he felt that hour that day is all,

So many times he regretted breaking up and doing what he did.   

I regret calling him a rapist when he dumped me the final time ... I regret not answering his calls and listening to my family ...

Maybe one day he will thank me ... .but I won't count on that.   He has no clue the devastation he caused.  Meanwhile he posts he's getting into shape and back into the world. 
Do they just stop thinking of us, like whe he sees my house and car and even me does he just not even see it all?

Hi Idsrvt2,

That's a really difficult thing to go through when our pwBPD seem to change into someone that is full of anger and vitriol, it hurts because sometimes we're just trying to help and we're met with hostility. It's like a light switch gets turned off and the person that we fell in love with is replaced, that's painful.

A pwBPD don't see the world or people in it as an integrated whole with good and bad, a bad person has good qualities and good person has bad qualities, you've probably heard of all or nothing thinking but that's exactly it, a defense mechanism takes effect when our pwBPD feel stress or anxious, it's called splitting and it's a maladaptive behavior that's supposed to protect them but as you can see it's very destructive in r/s's, it's understandable why a pwBPD have unstable r/s's. Intimacy triggers BPD, a pwBPD will split those people that they care about the most

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

[Mutt]

Hi Idsrvt2,

Gunderson on pwBPD and emotional amnesia.

‎Something which is all good one day can be all bad the next, which is related to another symptom: borderlines have problems with object constancy in people -- they read each action of people in their lives as if there were no prior context; they don't have a sense of continuity and consistency about people and things in their lives. They have a hard time experiencing an absent loved one as a loving presence in their minds. They also have difficulty seeing all of the actions taken by a person over a period of time as part of an integrated whole, and tend instead to analyze individual actions in an attempt to divine their individual meanings. People are defined by how they lasted interacted with the borderline. In the same sense of constancy borderlines have "emotional amnesia", they are so completely in each mood, they have great difficulty conceptualizing, remembering what it's like to be in another mood.

‎

What I'm sensing is that you didn't try hard enough in the r/s, is that right?

[Idsrvt2]

Wow thank you Mutt again for that emotional amnesia blurb below. My x described his emotions much like that.  On two occasions he would get the chills and say wow I have not felt that emotion in years and I thought that dies long ago.  I questioned if he was thinking of an x and he said no and explained it.
He didn't have many relationships in fact only ever mentioned three... .one was an x that supposedly tried to stab him wit scissors when they broke up and he never would talk about her

The longest was a girl from another country  and he said she lasted the longest and he thinks he loved her and enjoyed her personality.  He never even met her in person
The third was a person that supposedly dumped him because he didn't speak the way they wanted.
My x felt he was only ever good enough for sex

He of course while flirting with me before we went out said he attracted the wrong girls.

It's not that I didn't try hard enough it's my reactions to him... .me texting too much, me calling him a rapist , me threatening to contact his job. All were said after he broke up with me. 

I just wish I didn't react as harshly , wish I wasn't texting him expecting him to come back to my house and cook, even though he asked if I wanted him to. I said no...

I used to feel like every hour was different. Often he would msg me good morning and be all happy ... .one time he did so and showed up while working to dump me mid day.  He would blame me and texts I sent the nite before.
He was famous for ending the nite oddly, part of this was me as I hated when he would leave ... I think in away I just wanted that good him to last
He couldn't sleep here which I knew was not normal , he knew it wasn't normal.

He knew what he was doing to me and didn't want to hurt me ... he tried to warn me ... and now he talks to neighbors not a care if I too talk to them or what I may have told them about him... .that's what is odd.   It's like I don't exist ... well until he has to walk across from my house and miss my house during the delivering.   

I guess he's too busy faking life and getting ready to get into shape like he posted on his profile, he's in therapy ... .I can only hope he continues and maybe somehow realizes what he did to me was hurtful,

As you can tell I'm really struggling and I can't afford to.  What I am doing is not allowing him to control me... .I've made progress in being outside when he delivers  before I would hide inside... .
I've been on the inside of him now, so there is no going back... .others will laugh at his jokes and think he's funny ... but I know the real deal.  He hides it very well,   

Hi Idsrvt2,

Gunderson on pwBPD and emotional amnesia.
‎

What I'm sensing is that you didn't try hard enough in the r/s, is that right?

[Mutt]

It's not that I didn't try hard enough it's my reactions to him... .me texting too much, me calling him a rapist , me threatening to contact his job. All were said after he broke up with me.

I just wish I didn't react as harshly , wish I wasn't texting him expecting him to come back to my house and cook, even though he asked if I wanted him to. I said no.

I can relate with regretting what I said to my exuBPDw because for me, it wasn't who I am, I'm usually even steven,  I didn't like that she brought out the worst in me, a pwBPD know how to push your buttons, they'll push all of them. I told her intimate things and it hurt that she'd bring these things up and was really immature about it, it was like she didn't care. She has a core wound of abandonment and has a great deal of chronic inner pain, she wanted me to feel what it felt like for her so she'd lash out.

I think that you said those things because you were hurt, you probably felt a lot of resentment, we all survived a great deal of pain, I think that we owe it to ourselves to give ourselves a break and not pile up more hurt. It happened in the past, what happened happened, that's not who you are, you were hurt. What do think about forgiving yourself?

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks for reminding me that it wasn't just that one break up or one event ... .I had reached my breaking point... .I had just had a painful physical therapy session and he dumped me as I laid on a bag of ice. 

My x also was very immature about intimate details I shared as well.  He would pass it off as oh I don't remember you saying that it bothered you or was a trigger.  But oh if I mentioned just once him breaking up with me he would dump me again.

I guess I have to work on forgiving myself.  It was difficult enough having him turn into someone else aka the real him, then have him admit he was crumbling... .I had to watch the man I cared deeply for fall apart in front of me.  All while struggling in my own life.
You are right we have all been thru a lot at the hands of the xBPD.   

Although I miss him a lot lately, I guess it's for the best we have protective orders on each other because I'm not sure I could have survived all the ups and downs.
And I forgot about the medication that he would take on and off that made him feel nothing.
I also know that for him once he's done with someone he's done... .he has no friends, and no xs that are friends... .it's not even a concept he comprehends. 
I'm sure he thinks I'm off happy and have moved on.

I can relate with regretting what I said to my exuBPDw because for me, it wasn't who I am, I'm usually even steven,  I didn't like that she brought out the worst in me, a pwBPD know how to push your buttons, they'll push all of them. I told her intimate things and it hurt that she'd bring these things up and was really immature about it, it was like she didn't care. She has a core wound of abandonment and has a great deal of chronic inner pain, she wanted me to feel what it felt like for her so she'd lash out.

I think that you said those things because you were hurt, you probably felt a lot of resentment, we all survived a great deal of pain, I think that we owe it to ourselves to give ourselves a break and not pile up more hurt. It happened in the past, what happened happened, that's not who you are, you were hurt. What do think about forgiving yourself?