how do I cope

[Liana]

My grandson's Mother has BPD and she is extremely difficult to deal with.  I have custody of the baby (my son's son) and she regularly is abusive via texts, doesn't understand why I won't give into her demands (not in the best interest of the child) and is exhausting.  I need some help truly learning how to deal with her and not take her tantrums so personally.

[Turkish]

It sounds like there was a good reason which resulted in you gaining custody of her son. Can you give us a history of what led to to that? Where is your son in this?

[Liana]

My son is a great father, but also has a very "heavy" mental illness diagnosis.  Both my son and his GF at the time were doing drugs.  The baby was born 7 weeks early and required feedings every 3 hours.  His parents couldn't handle that and so I stayed at their house often to help out.  One day they called me and asked if they could bring the baby to my house for a few days.  They never came back to get him.  They would call/text to check on him and come visit.  Over a year passed and we found out that the baby had to be legitimized and that's what started the court process.  Her family got involved and everything went down hill.  So we have a court order but I feel she's manipulating the child. She sends me texts that are rude and disrespectful and reminds me that I'm "only the grandmother".  She is exhausting!

[Turkish]

My birth parents had issues.  My birth grandparents couldn't step up for their own reasons and I went into foster care.  From my view,  as stressful and maddening as this might be,  it's a great thing that you stepped up to take care of your baby. 

We have communication tools here,  developed by experts in the disorder,  which can help reduce conflict.  Take a look:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all (using SET:Support, Empathy, Truth)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=133835.0 (BIFF: Brief, Informative,  Friendly, Firm)

I actually find that BIFF works verbally as well,  in combination with SET or not.  Take a look and tell us what you think. 

How is the baby doing with all of this? I'm not too long past this stage, raising 5 and 7 year olds. Their mom left when they were 1 and almost 4 and I got questions and not a little bit of emotional pain which finally subsided just this past year,  even though their mom and I share joint custody.