Surviving breakup with my BPD or psychotic boyfriend... April 2017

[freeofhim]

Relationship began 1 yr. ago. like all do with someone like this.  Whirlwind, excitement etc... .turned into drugs, then drug addiction (he already was... .I joined in :{).  I foolishly went along with his sexual urges as well which included a few 3somes and mostly "escorts" for him when I agreed, which I usually did. 
Anyway, Easter weekend we partied and argued a good part of the night.  By morning we were out of drugs and I was awake and ready to look for more for us.  He made me a coffee.  Next thing I remember was waking up about 26hrs. later feeling drugged, weak and confused. 
He told me that I told him I took some sleeping pills, which I would never do as mixing these 2 drugs can be lethal or dangerous to say the least.  I of course accused him of drugging me.  I then told him my Dr. wanted me to get some blood work done to see why I was out for 26hrs.  He then made a police report in case I decided to take legal action against him.  Sadly, I hadn't even thought of involving the police as I was in shock over the whole thing and just happy to be alive.    I discovered a few other things that did not seem right.  Almost like he for sure was hoping Id die and it look like suicide.  I know my mental state of health and I was not suicidal  in the least.
Now the only thing that  can come up with is he does own me $8000. for a loan I gave him and in our argument I threatened to reveal the "true" him to his family and friends that he was a "crack cocaine" addict and liked hookers and ruined my life. etc.
Ive done a bit of reading and it all says not to even try and figure out why or how etc as they "think" differently than your average person. Just cannot seem to stop going over what I can piece together in my mind. 
I've had no contact with him since. the incident last week.  He has called me twice and both times I picked up yet I have not seen him.  He said he called to see how I was doing. 
I keep thinking about him like the books say and feel vulnerable and isolated and many other things.  I was better just following as I was in disbelief and shock I think... .now I'm feeling worse, down, lonely, misunderstood, not believed by some as it's so far out there.  The drug factor is a complication as people get judgmental about that and question my word. 
Getting psychological counselling and she specialized in addiction as well.  Have appt. in May for community based support whatever that I involves.  I need to deal with my cocaine addiction as well as move forward and recover from what he did to me.  Just feeling knocked down tonite where as most days Ive been kinda up, feeling free of him, like a load is off my back... .Just not sure why today I'm feeling worse, missing him, etc.

[heartandwhole]

Hi freeofhim,



I'm sorry to hear of your breakup. That must have been very difficult, waking up 26 hours later and wondering if your partner had something to do with it. I'm glad that you have gotten yourself out of that situation for the time being. You've found a great place for support. Along with your individual and group therapy, the members on this site have been through these kinds of breakups and understand how hard it can be. 

I think you are very wise to try to get a handle on your drug addiction. I recommend rallying as much support around you as you can. Grieving the loss of an intense relationship like this can feel like coming off drugs itself, so do lean on your therapist and sponsors for support. It is a vulnerable time, so I also encourage you to come here and write about your feelings anytime, 24/7. The ups and downs of grieving are something we can all relate to.

Do you feel safe right now?

Do you have friends and family whom you can lean on?

Keep posting. We're here for you.

heartandwhole