My first post...I know I'm not the only one dealing with this

[Whatsnxt17]

I'm exhausted.  After 14 years of marriage to a BPD we are finally calling it quits. The last 3+ years have been my worst nightmare.  It's like the person I loved disappeared one day and some evil alien to control of my spouse's body.  I realize now how much I have been emotionally abused.  I endured adultery, abandonment, and horrible personal attacks.  I held on, hoping that therapy would lead us to a place where we could start over.  One day we are in counseling and the and the next he wants a divorce.  Every time there appears to be some hope, things escalate to a higher level of crazy.  I know there are issues of childhood abuse, yet I am the person that is the target for all the anger and  shame.

Ever since we decided to get divorced, things seem only to be getting worse. And my soon to be ex-spouse is the one who filed for divorce.  Everything causes attacks, outbursts, threats and criticism.

I know I'm not perfect and there are things I could have done better or different.  But I don't deserve the verbal abuse.

I can't live like this anymore.

[SWLSR]

No one deserves abuse if your spouse is abusing you get a healthy distance from her.  I have been where you have been and I can tell you, you are going to go through alot of pain, be strong get support people here will help you ask questions, but you have to say enough is enough, no contact is the best thing.  Most likely your relationship is over, and it probably never was, you were a mere host for her take from until she has taken all she can get. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Whatsnxt17, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Of course you're exhausted.  After 16 years of marriage to my BPDxW, I had nothing left in the tank.  I'm sorry to hear that you have been the object of abuse, which is unacceptable.  No, you don't deserve verbal abuse.  It's common for a pwBPD to project all the blame on the Non.  My suggestion: don't take it on.  You didn't cause your spouse to get BPD and you can't cure it.  Don't beat yourself up!  No, you're not perfect; you're human, like the rest of us, so give yourself a break.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Whatsnxt17,  



I'm sorry to hear that. I'd like to join the others and welcome you.

Ever since we decided to get divorced, things seem only to be getting worse. And my soon to be ex-spouse is the one who filed for divorce.  Everything causes attacks, outbursts, threats and criticism.

It placates him in his mind if he rejects you before he's rejected, the anger is a by-product of his fear of abandonment perceived or real , this is a very difficult stretch, I 'd like to echo Lucky Jim he's projecting all of his stuff on you. I'm glad that you decided to join us. You're not alone.

Are you living together or in separate homes?

[Dutched]

My empathy go’s to you!  You certainly don’t deserve this abuse!

Although you are deeply hurt and adding a divorce that is coming up, think about YOU
Try to avoid him, try not to get entangled in his web!
Short answers, and turn your back on him.
Leave the room when he gets verbally abusive!

I don’t know if kids are involved, tell them to do the same, as he might turn his anger (read fear) towards them.

Safeguard your belongings… special those you are deeply attached to.

Start thinking about you!
Take some time out and try to clear your head, all for your future 
 
Try to get support from family of friends and vent and ask questions at this great safe haven!

[Inneedofhelp]

Whatsnxt17, so sorry you have been through so much. Unfortunately like you and the others that have replied I understand the exhaustion and hurt. After 17 years of marriage-including years of separation and attempt to make something work, I have found the strength to say enough is enough. The verbal and emotional abuse from the BPD rages and infidelity are too familiar with me. I second guessed myself and was embarrassed to let anyone know what was going on until very recently. It felt awful to be so isolated-then I found this site, started reading a lot more on BPD and just started seeing my own therapist. I would also suggest making sure you have support and giving yourself permission to set boundaries and take care of you. Do you feel safe? The threats and rage are scary, so make sure you can handle it or get some help.

[Whatsnxt17]

Thanks for all the replies.  My BPD spouse moved out two+ years ago.  The goal was always to reconcile, at least that's what I thought.  At first it was a mid-life crisis, then post-traumatic stress disorder from childhood abuse.  The diagnosis of BPD came 5 months ago.  I realize now how serious this thing is.  My soon to be ex-spouse has stalked me online, gone through my phone calls, texts and accuses me of dating others all the my BPD spouse had multiple affairs for almost two years.   I am almost afraid to be here, since I would not be surprised if I would be stalked here as well.

I have been in therapy for two years, but I feel like I need it now more than ever since it finally dawned on me that I have been emotionally and verbally abused for almost 4 years.  I realize I have done so much for my BPD and I have sacrificed my life, waiting for this person to come to their senses.

The rage and insults just crush my spirit.  I feel hollowed out and empty.