Can't deal with her anymore.

[wonderfluff]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and new to BPD as well. My mother is undiagnosed BPD, and all of this has come to light right smack in the middle of some heavy family drama. My oldest sister was killed 5 years ago and through the grieving process, my mother was extremely focused on her pain and her grieving and would create spectacles to put the attention back on her grief. She even went as far as throwing painful words in my face like she was justifying her grief and making it more important than mine.
Well, fast forward to this past week when my 16 year old cat passed away. He had only been living with her for the past 4 years and it was only because I have kids and as much as I loved that cat, he was not kid-friendly. I thought I could trust her with him. Well he passed away on Monday after a visit to the vet revealed he was suffering from severe anemia due to a horrendous flea infestation that was HER fault.
We decided to have him cremated, but she has decided to throw the last 4 years in my face and decide that she's keeping his urn from me. She went so far as to start drama on a tribute post I made about him on Facebook. A LOT of my friends contacted me in private, asking about her behavior and wanting an explanation because they couldn't believe how horribly she was treating me.
Bottom line, I've cut her off. I'm tired of the pain coming from her. Unfortunately she is literally the only family member I have left other than my husband and kids.
I suffer from anxiety and as I dig deeper into the BPD world to try and understand her, I wonder if my anxiety originated from her.
Learning about this stuff has been very eye-opening, like I'm starting to make sense of all the hell that was my childhood and the way she treated me and how my outlook on others was affected.
So my questions are how to deal with cutting her off? Is cutting her off even healthy for someone with BPD? Should I even be concerned if it's healthy for her or am I actually more important?
And any other help or suggestions you have would be welcomed, thanks!

[Pilate]

  Wonderfluff and welcome,

First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a beloved pet is difficult no matter what, and it is even harder that your pet was experiencing neglect. Your feelings toward your mother are understandable and anyone would feel the same way in that situation.

As far as cutting off your mother, some of the things people discuss here are limited contact (LC), no contact (NC), and there is also taking a break where you might go through a period of no contact, but it is your choice as far as what kind of contact or relationship you want to maintain with your mom.

I'm glad that your friends are reaching out to you and noticing your mom's behavior. When people outside of a small circle--usually immediate family--don't see the hurtful and crazy-making behavior, they often don't understand our need to take a break or limit contact.

Keep posting! How are you doing now?

[wonderfluff]

I'm definitely still grieving. I held it in all day today and once my kids went to bed, I cried like a baby. I never imagined it would be this tough. It's almost like losing my big sister all over again.
My mother and I still haven't spoken and for now I think I need it to remain that way. I know she got paid today and I know she was planning on having him cremated today so maybe that's why the tears came as hard as they did.
It definitely hurts to know that my own mother would do this to me on purpose. This is typical of her though. Shes been this way with me and my sister for as long as I can remember.
It's definitely a relief to know that not only has her behavior finally been noticed by my friends and people I know, but that there is a group like this with people who can actually relate. All my life I've felt alone in dealing with her, but finally it doesn't feel so lonely.