New Here, Mom has undiagnosed BPD

[DoneWithEggshell]

Hi everyone, My mom has undiagnosed BPD. I've been receiving her emotional/verbal abuse for 20 years that I can remember. I started therapy about 2 months ago and my therapist brought it up that it sounds like my mom might have borderline personality disorder. I bought the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and I feel like it's writing about my life, every thought and feeling I've ever had about mom. I feel so validated and understood which I desperately needed. My therapist is great and has helped me tremendously but I feel like noone really understands what it feels like to actually go through it. That's why I'm here to feel less alone. Out of all my mom's kids, step and biological, I am the only one who receives this treatment from her. I am at a point where I want zero communication with her. I know it's a fear of abandonment with them but dangit, I'm sick of worrying about their feelings over mine. I've been doing it all my life and look where it's left me... .on a therapist's couch. My mom was in the midst of emotional/verbal abusing me a month ago and I told her this is why I am in therapy. I told her the way she treats gives me anxiety and really affects me deeply and I need her to leave me alone for a while, respect this boundary and let me get better. Well, it hasn't stopped. She is sending passive aggressive gifts to my 3 year old with pictures of her on them saying her grandmother loves it, texting my husband at 7 a.m. to tell me Im being ridiculous, ungrateful and spoiled and triangling people in to think Im depressed, need help, wont let her see her grandbaby. My mom is also an alcoholic so she is mean to me sober but awful to me when she is drunk. It's why I blocked on all social media and phone. Thank goodness I live 3 hours away from her. I'm still neevous she'll just show up at my door but my therapist says that's catastrophizing so Im trying to not let that fear worry me too much. My brother who is 8 years younger than me and we have the same mom and dad (he's the only one where we have the same biilogical parents) (parents are divorced and both remarried), he has severe anxiety also with panic attacks. He won't let me tell hik what all has been going on bc he worries about getting anxious about it. He is the only one that would really havea chance to understand or see what's going on bc he knows mom best. My husband and therapist are the only ones who truly know what's going on. My maternal grandmother just told me few weeks ago "I need to just forgive her". It made my blood boil. So I quickly realized, yup, can't talk to her about what Im going through. My aunt says "Its just satan working on her"... .it's more than just satan... .It's a disorder so nope, can't open up to her. My husband fully supports me and sees what my mom does. He's seen the panic attacks from when she threatens me, always tells me I don't like her, I don't call her enough, blows up my phone with drunken texts telling me she's loved me since the day I was born then literally 3 minutes later tells me I'm mentally ill, depressed, ungrateful, spoiled, need to work on my marriage, threatening me with an inheritance, telling me she is so thankful she has my other brother, sister and my brother's girlfriend and Im sitting there reading all this wondering whybthe heck she is mad at me. What did I do? I live in a different state. I haven't even seen you. Why are you mad at me? I have been for years trying to please my mom and make her happy and Im never good enough. I have felt so much shame and guilt over what my mom has been saying to me. I don't trust her at all. She has made fake facebook accounts and messaged my ex boyfriends and (before I got married) a guy I was dating. My ex, she never kiked him so use your imagination on what she said. It was awful. Any, both called me at separate times during a few months span asking me who _____ was. I was mortified. I knew what the account was bc my mom told me about the account before she was using to spy on my step sister. The list goes on and on on what all she's done. The book 'Stop Walking on EggShells' is a fantastic read... just finished chapter 5. Will start 6 probably Monday but what has annoyed me so far is how they are telling me to handle a BPD. Saying be careful not to trigger them... .how is that not walking on eggshells? I am so tired of tiptoeing and worrying about my mom getting upset with me. I just want to walk away. I don't want anymore of a chance of her hurting me or influencing me in any way. I don't want my 3 year old daughter being around her and her unstableness. She is overly obsessed about my daughter and she's telling everyone I wont let her see my child making me look like Im the bad guy here. I can't go around telling everyone "SHE HAS UNDIAGNOSED BPD" because I feel like that's exactly what my mom would do and I don't want to be like that. My maternal grandmother said "the bible says honor thy father and mother"... .What do I say to that? How can I honor and respect my mother when she treats me the way that she does. This has been a long post and thank you to whomever reads the whole thing. I just feel really alone with what I am going through. Hopefully I can start talking with someone who also has something similar going on.

[RandiDill]

This sounds SO much like my story and experience!

I've also been in therapy for several months, and my therapist recommended I go home one day and read about BPD. I came back the next session and said, "Oh my gosh. That has to be it!" It made so much sense. In one way, it was a gift to have that term to explain a lot of my experiences since childhood and her behaviors. It gives me the chance to learn about it, learn how to cope and relate to other people going through the same thing. On the other hand, it felt like a bomb dropped in my life when I realized she probably has BPD. It made me realize the problem is much bigger than I originally thought, and I have way more work to do on myself and how I interact with her.

The things you've talked about your mom doing are 100% things my mom would do too. She has spread rumors about my having affairs, posted untrue things about me on facebook, manipulated and brainwashed my grama into believing every word she says. It's awful. I don't have kids yet, but I have a huge fear that when I do, she will react just like your mom does - be obsessed with being a grandparent and want to take control of the situation.

My mom's behaviors have also caused me to have anxiety as an adult. I'm an approval addict and a people pleaser because I grew up with her always being mad or upset, no matter what I did. I live much of my life feeling on edge - always worried that someone is upset with me or I'm doing something wrong.

My husband and therapist are also the only two people in my life right now who truly understand what's going on. I'm an only child, so unfortunately I don't have anyone to relate my specific childhood experiences too, but it sounds like yours come pretty close. I'd love to talk more! Hang in there. We need all the support we can get

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey DoneWithEggshell:  
Welcome to the Community!

I'm so sorry about your situation with your mom. It is helpful to interact with others who share similar situations.  I think you will find this community a helpful addition to your support.

I bought the book 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and I feel like it's writing about my life, every thought and feeling I've ever had about mom. I feel so validated and understood which I desperately needed. . . What has annoyed me so far is how they are telling me to handle a BPD. Saying be careful not to trigger them... .how is that not walking on eggshells?  

I came to a similar realization.  There is no miracle fix.  The book could be more accurately entitled, "Managing Eggshells".  I think that everyone can gain something from the book.  The tools that are offered in the book and on this website serve to develop/enhance emotional intelligence, which can be helpful skills in all walks of life and with anyone.  As we become more comfortable with setting and enforcing boundaries and using strategic communication skills, it will likely become more natural to us and less about walking on eggshells.  Everyone's situation is a little different.  For most people, I think there will always be some eggshells to step around.  For some, the eggshells might seem to disappear for periods of time, but not likely forever.

My maternal grandmother said "the bible says honor thy father and mother"... .What do I say to that?

Your grandma is trying to make you feel guilty, by laying on FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt).  If you click on the green words, it will take you to an article.

People interpret the Bible in various ways.  You might find the logic shared at the website below and the quotes below to be supportive.  

The following is an excerpt from an article, "10 Do's and Dont's of Honoring Hurtful Parents", at the above website link:
. . .So if you're in a painful relationship with a parent, or both parents, or even an in-law, I want to encourage you.  Love him/her anyway.  Forgive.  Set boundaries. .

Forgiveness does not mean forgetfulness.  It does not mean putting yourself into a knowingly dangerous situation.  And it does not mean you automatically trust that person . . .

Boundaries may be for your parents, if they tend to be insulting or abusive.  Or, they may be something you set on yourself.  Maybe you tend to overreact and you need to set boundaries on yourself about topics that you can or cannot talk about. Perhaps your boundaries include your children.  It is okay to set a boundary that your children may not be alone with a parent. Forgiveness does not mean you turn into a doormat.

My husband and therapist are the only ones who truly know what's going on.

I'm glad that your husband is supportive and that you like your therapist.  This community can add a 3rd means of support.  Others, who are removed from the situation, won't understand.  People with BPD (pwBPD) can appear fairly normal to others, as they can tend to save up their bad emotions and dump them on a certain individual (s). It is understandable how in your situation, that some family members have had a different experience with your mom.  It's probably best to accept that they won't be able to understand and to NOT JADE, (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) regarding your position and boundaries. 
 

Out of all my mom's kids, step and biological, I am the only one who receives this treatment from her. . .she threatens me, always and tells me I don't like her, I don't call her enough, blows up my phone with drunken texts telling me she's loved me since the day I was born then literally 3 minutes later tells me I'm mentally ill, depressed, ungrateful, spoiled, need to work on my marriage, threatening me with an inheritance.

The two threads below might be helpful for you to read.  One addresses splitting and the other projection:
SPLITTING  and   PROJECTION

You have made a good start on the road to improving your situation.  From a religious prospective, the Scerenity Prayer may be helpful.  You are learning to change the things you can change (by learning skills and setting and enforcing boundaries).  You will need to learn about and accept what you can't change.  The only one you have power over to change is you.  You can change the way you interact with your mom and the way you react to her.  You can't change your mom.  Only she can acknowledge that she has a problem and needs to seek help.

Best wishes