New here, BPD parent

[inge]

Hello everyone!

It's great to find this site. I think my Mum has BPD, although she has never been assessed. I am the eldest child (32) and have been in non contact mode for about a year. Although I have great psychological support, I still struggle so much with this situation!

The thing I find the hardest is that other family members (especially my Dad) continue to enable her behaviour, and no-one is willing to address or discuss the issue. Unfortunately I suffer from post traumatic stress as a result of my childhood experiences - other family members can't (or choose not to) go near it. It's a very isolated place to be.

As the eldest, I have been in care-taking mode all my life. At the age of 32 I am just starting to get to know who I am (I have a lot of catching up to do). I just cannot believe how much 'room' in my life she has taken up. When I left the family, I honestly felt as if I was escaping a cult - it was such a controlling and contrived environment, with everyone tiptoeing around, trying not to set her off. The guilt for leaving is also overwhelming at times. Physically leaving is one thing - it's much harder to separate energetically. It's like there are no boundaries.

Thank you for having me here and I am glad to find people with similar experiences!

[Kwamina]

Hi inge and welcome to bpdfamily

I am glad you found this site, though sorry for what has led you here. Unfortunately, many of our members have found themselves struggling with (complex) PTSD. You do mention having great psychological support, are you getting targeted treatment for your PTSD?

You have been in no contact mode for about a year now. Are you just NC (no contact) with your mother or also with other family-members?

Having a BPD mother can be very challenging indeed and really negatively affect a child. What do you consider your mother's most difficult or disturbing behaviors?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[inge]

Thanks for your kind words Board Parrot!

Yes I have been in treatment for the PTSD for years. It is getting better for sure.

I do have contact with other family members, though infrequent. I occasionally see them in person but avoid family gatherings. It can be hard to be alone at Christmas etc, even though I can't say I miss the family time per se!

My mother has a lot of behaviours described in the book Walking on Eggshells. The most difficult include violent, unpredictable raging; boundary violations such as spying on social media, stealing passwords, throwing out our belongings when we're out; being jealous of other relationships/friendships we form. When she's activated, she'll tend to pick a fight, attack us verbally then say we're crying to manipulate her "Why can't you fight back?" Over the years I came to believe that I really was lying/manipulating her, and had no sense of what was real, even in myself. The dissociation was very strong. Physical violence when we were younger gave way to emotional abuse as we got older. Afterwards she sometimes feels guilty and usually wants hugs/reassurance. But self-reflection/learning: close to zero.

A bizarre trait she has (for a parent) is to be almost disappointed when we achieve something, say winning a prize at school. She tries to hide it and say 'good' but you can see it's not genuine. It's so hard to imagine how a parent could be competitive or jealous of their own children.

From a young age I tried my best to look after her and my younger siblings, especially as my father works away on business a lot - she would fall to pieces. She has always been No. 1 in my life. As I got older my Dad would actually come and ask me to take care of her, "you know how she is... ." etc. Now I realise how unfair that is.

When I used to be around her more, even when she was doing well, she'd tend to put me down a lot and push me away, saying she was too busy to see me etc etc. Now I'm gone she's trying constantly to get me to re-engage, either by presenting some disaster scenario, or flattery, or offering some kind of incentive (money or gifts are a big one!) It's all very confusing because she's high functioning and appears pretty normal, even successful to the outside world. I hope one day I can be free of her and her distorted reality.

[madeline7]

Hi Inge,
I too hope to be free of my uBPD Mom and her distorted reality. I am relatively new to this wonderful site, but have been dealing with my situation for a very long time, as I am in my late 50's. Now that my Mom is widowed and has moved closer to me and my siblings, the situation has reached an all time high of dysfunction. I have chosen to go NC basically to survive, but am dealing with how I can fit in to the rest of the family that continues to enable her. I do feel hopeful for myself, but also feel a tremendous sense of loss for my FOO. I wish you continued peace and happiness.

[inge]

Thanks for your message madeline7, and for your good wishes , right back at you! Yes it is a great site, I'm so glad I found it. I  can't believe how many people there are out there with similar experiences! If you want to share any more about your family experiences I would be happy to hear about it. I don't know many people in this situation.

Yes fitting in to the rest of the family - this is a really tough one. Leaving was a ridiculously tough step that took me years to take. My other fam members avoid talking about it, so if we see each other we just make superficial conversation. It's uncomfortable. Lately I have felt more angry towards them. While they didn't blame me directly, they haven't offered support either, despite my dad knowing my diagnosis. It's pretty maddening. I understand that it's not personal exactly, I guess they want to stay with what's safe and comfortable. I think they might feel that I'm quite heartless and/or selfish for leaving. Certain friends have had this reaction too (not all, thankfully). That's why this site is so great! People really get it!

[madeline7]

Hi Inge,
It's true that the people on this site get it, that is so helpful to me. Most people I know think about it logically; "if you just do this, she will behave differently", they don't realize how distorted the reality is. The rules of logic just don't apply. So far this year I have missed or rather, chosen to avoid 3 family get togethers because I cannot face my Mom when she is raging against me. But there is a family wedding in June which I plan to attend and I am so anxious about it. One of my 2 kids (both in their 20's) has chosen to also go NC and she is also anxious about the upcoming event. That is what angers me the most. I just want to stop the insanity and not have it seep into the next generation. I have a great marriage and relationship with my kids, and I don't want this to be part of their legacy. I wanted it to stop with me, but she (uBPDm) keeps on manipulating and blaming with no regard to anyone but herself. I sometimes feel hopeless and ashamed of my inner thoughts that I want this to be over.

[inge]

Yes that is so true in my experience- logic really has no place. I totally get your anxiety about the wedding and I'm sorry that's the case. I think weddings often generate enough anxiety for people even without the personality disorders thrown in the mix. Both my sisters are in serious relationships and I'm already anxious about the thought of having to attend a wedding in future - how crazy is that! It hasn't even happened yet!
Your kids are super lucky that they had you as a parent and didn't have to go through the same experience you did. (I know Brene Brown says 'at least" statements are not helpful so I'll try to rephrase this ... !  It's good that you will have people like your daughter there so you can support each other at the wedding, you both know what she's like. I think you are a hero for going! good on you!
I think it's totally normal to want this (extended) situation to be over because it is not at all fair on you or other family members! I'm also having a week of feeling particularly hopeless and yes also ashamed of wishing mum would just disappear off the face of the earth, etc. (that's how I happened upon this site!) However, I don't really think that's anything to be ashamed of. The suffering is real. One feels so utterly trapped, it's only natural to want to be free. I am sure there has got to be a way.

[madeline7]

Hi Inge,
My Mom reached out to me yesterday, first time since NC in late December. I proceeded with extreme caution and spoke to her today. Then I spoke with both my kids. My daughter and I discussed how to maintain boundaries and have cautious LC in order to attend major family gatherings. This is the lesser of the 2 evils, so to speak. I am ambivalent and will go NC if she becomes activated in any way. My husband and I  have some other issues we are dealing with, so this is not my first priority. I will continue to see my counselor and look to this board for support, as LC will likely be more challenging. I initially thought NC would be harder, but once I got over the initial anxiety, I found it to be more peaceful for me. Will see how this goes... .

[Kwamina]

Hi again inge

How have you been?

Yes I have been in treatment for the PTSD for years. It is getting better for sure.

I am glad it's getting better

A bizarre trait she has (for a parent) is to be almost disappointed when we achieve something, say winning a prize at school. She tries to hide it and say 'good' but you can see it's not genuine. It's so hard to imagine how a parent could be competitive or jealous of their own children.

People with BPD tend to have a very unstable sense of self and also a huge fear of abandonment. As a result, parents with BPD might actually feel threatened by their children's step towards independence and growth. This can indeed be quite difficult to understand though when looking at it from a purely rational angle. The sad reality with BPD though is that people with this disorder suffer from distorted thinking and perception which causes them to behave in a difficult manner. The way she treats you likely does not say anything about you at all and is only a reflection of her own inner turmoil, insecurity, fear, and shame.

As I got older my Dad would actually come and ask me to take care of her, "you know how she is... ." etc. Now I realise how unfair that is.

You are right, this definitely is very unfair that your father did/does this. I have observed this dynamic in posts from many members here. One parent might have BPD, yet the other parent often also plays a very important yet different role in allowing the dysfunction to continue. Have you ever discussed this with your dad?

[San Miguel]

Inge, your comment As I got older my Dad would actually come and ask me to take care of her, "you know how she is... ." etc. Now I realise how unfair that is.() has raised a lot of feelings and issues for me.  It's taken me most of my life, 66 now, to sort through all the feelings toward my BPD mother, very similar experiences that you've shared.  But I don't think I've ever been able to sort out my feelings toward my father.  Both are now deceased.   I'm thinking that a lot of my shame at this age is due to my father's reactions when I would try to individuate from her.  Any time I stood up for myself, or went to him for help, he would say "Honey, I love you, but I have to live with her the rest of my life, long after you are gone with a life of your own."  First of all, I don't believe he had any idea the impact she was having on my life, then or later.  But it is also clear that he didn't want me to "rock the boat" by standing up for myself.  Anytime I tried, he would be "disappointed" in me, and I would revert back to taking the abuse quietly to spare him her backlash.  I loved my father, I saw him as the only source of love and affection possible in my life.  I did not want to disappoint him or be alienated by him.  In looking back, I felt like the sacrificial lamb- someone had to be sacrificed, 'why don't I be a good little girl and take another one for the gipper'- kind of thinking.    So anytime then or now that I do something just for me, or try for a fulfilled life, I not only feel faced with her retaliation, but also with disappointing my father.   I lived in fear, dread, anger, and sometimes hate for my mother for years, until I was able to start healing, understanding and forgive.  But I now realize I also lived in fear of disappointing my father, have him abandon me if I tried to take care of myself, etc.  I know that I have grieved him not being able to protect me, and this just broke my heart over the years.  But I have never been able to allow myself any anger toward him in any way.  And I wonder if this "locking in" of these feelings are also contributing to my ongoing shame issues.  ?  If he wasn't to blame either, then it comes back to there must be something wrong with me?  Facing these feelings is so much harder than facing the feelings toward my mother.  I loved my father with my whole heart, I still do.  I know now you can be angry with someone you love, and all that, - but it still feels "wrong" to me.