Is this part of it? and if so why?

[Mavrik]

Another part of my relationship with my ex girlfriend with BPD was thaf I would always shower her with compliments, however she looked. Yet she hardly gave me any, and if I ever said for example 'have I lost weight to you' her reply was 'why are you always fishing for compliments', yet never reply with anything positive. She is white British and I'm 1st generation British Asian. And she would make hurtful racist comments and when I challenged her she would apologise and say she was only joking, then do it again and again. It waanf funny at all, how anyone can think it's funny in this day and age and towards someone who loves you, you must be an idiot.

Anyone else experienced the put downs and why do they do it?

[enlighten me]

My exgf would say things that she put down as sarcastic but where quite hurtful. I think they do this as they want to upset us and hurt us as we have done something that has upset them. It might not be that we have actually done anything it could just be that they feel we have. The comments came after the honeymoon phase had ended and devaluation had started. For me I think she regretted getting together with me or being with me as she had other men she wanted to date.

[Mavrik]

Mine seemed to be when she was on cloud 9 each time and maybe caught in the moment.

I told her how offensive her comments were and she'd apologise and looked genuinely remorseful but then do it again and again and again, then told me I was being over sensitive.

She was fully aware that I'd been bullied as a child and had suffered a lot of abuse from the bullies and therefor felt very sensitive to such comments. Yet it didn't seem to make any difference at all. I didn't understand why she was doing it... .I think I may have answered my own question here in that 'why she was doing it'.

[doy]

to my opinion , the degrading thing  ( as minor it may be) is a consequence of their  deep seated minority complex. it happens in narcissism as well as borderline/bipolar.
however i think in narcissism it can be merely sadistic, whereas in borderline it is more an attempt to pull you down so that they can feel leveled with you .

to me it always felt like either  proof of that they see you as ' higher' or stronger than them and feel the need to try and tear you down a bit
OR ... they just feel the need for resistance in some way. like pulling off a scab. when something is in peace they get anxious and feel the need for turbulence.
my ex used to make me compliments to take them away  ... don't know how to describe it... .it seemed like he wanted to say something nice but his urge to 'control' or destroy ruined it all the time.

f.e. he would say you are so beautiful, really every man looks at you ... .and a minute later say : i didn't find you attractive a couple of years ago and you should change your profile picture.
or you are the most beautiful woman i have ever slept with ... and a day later say i did not behave sexy enough ...
he would say he deeply respect my work as designer and the way a made i living with it , and a minute later would say he would never buy it and it is not his taste ( when IT IS , i know him,  we have the same taste ... .)

in any case, people who are happy with themselves and feel loved do not feel any need to put others down in any way.
giving compliments is a sign of strength and love , for yourself in the first place.
there is no way around that.

[Mavrik]

Thanks for the reply, it all seems do making sense now. As I'm in the entertainment business and when I meet people when I was out with her, I could take over the room and people would laugh and engage with me all the time. And where've I went I seemed to attract the attention of others. I never flirted I never had an affair with any of them, I merely attracted their attention all the time. Whereas the BPD person is always seeking the attention and so she would have hated me having the attention and not her.

I took her for a meal at a posh restaurant and I got chatting to the couple at the next table. We laughed and bonded very well, the couple I was chatting to who (without us knowing) gave the manager £100 to pay for our meal. I chatted and made the staff of the place laugh and they hovered around our table the whole evening. We had a great night.

On the way home I received a text (random one) and she got so angry and shut down and had a go at me totally ruining the great night we had.

So it all falls into place in that the put downs and her behaviour is to pull me back to earth to her level playing field rather me be me and engage people how I do. When she is the one thaf needs to be the centre of attention 

[CloseToFreedom]

I showered her with compliments too, constantly. I think it was born out of the fact that each time we got back together, she would be insecure about her body and life. I tried to help her with that. Last time she even said that she felt so much better about herself after a few weeks of hanging around with me. I guess she got what she wanted out of me and discarted me again after that.

I received very little compliments. During the love bombing stage of course a lot, everything I did was perfect, but after that nothing. Its like it physically hurts them to compliment you on something once they are in the devaluation stage.

[Mavrik]

This is a message I received from her once. After a long long talk about why she never said anything nice to me:-

It was so good to see you as ever.

I know you wish to hear more compliments off me, especially when you give me lots and lots.

I think you are gorgeous and beautiful inside and out and I love every minute I spend with you.  I really do wish you could be here all the time so I could spoil you lots and lots and make you feel like a million dollars. I absolutely mean everything I say. Always had and always will. its up to you if you believe me, but its all true. Thats the way I feel about you. I can’t help my feelings and we have such a connection and such a special place for each other in our hearts.

Theres some stuff I want to share with you on Friday as well. Don’t worry its not sad, or upsetting, or deep, its just some stuff I want to share with you - its really special and you will like it, I know. (When I met her on the Friday and asked her about this. She said 'I can't remember it was probably nothing'.

Have a wonderful relaxed evening and I will be thinking of you lots all morning tomorrow. You will be in my heart every second. Well you are all the time anyway. You fill every single part of it, with the love I feel for you. You really do mean everything to me, like you say to me, more than  anyone has done in such a long time.

... .

So that's the message she once sent me, after which I was the devil incarnate and she never wanted to speak to me ever again.

Heavy stuff in that they put you on a pedestal then kick you off it and jump all over you when you land on the ground.