Need help getting through this week

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been in a long distance (different country and time zone) relationship for a few months with my girlfriend and I've decided to quit my job and move so we could be together (I used to live in that city before, so I'm "moving home"
She's been in an in-patient clinic for the last 4 weeks which was planned before we got together. It feels like she only gotten worse while in hospital even though she's got a lot of support there. Since after the first few days she'd rather stay in with the other patients than see her family or friends or be in the outside world in general.
Yesterday was the last "proper" day of the 4 week therapy, but she can only go home tomorrow. Yesterday she went out on their daily leave with 5 other BPs and gotten really drunk (which is against the clinic's policies and could have resolved in being sent home). Afterwards she messaged me that she's gotten in arguments, was running and flailing around, shouting and hit herself. Then she put out a cigarette on herself because she felt guilty for the above. I asked her what exactly happened and what triggered, but she didn't want to tell me, then one of her friends had to be taken and given infusion therapy, but she wouldn't say what happened to them either. She said she's mental and should be restrained and that I should leave her to save myself. Then later she said that nothing happened. And this morning she told me not to write her, because she can't talk to me.
She never kept anything from me before the hospital, but now she started keeping secrets, but still letting me know that something's up, just not the details, so I end up thinking about the worst possible options (usually involving one or more of cheating, drug abuse, physical violence and self-harm)
I'm afraid she'll be in an even worse state when she comes out of hospital and if she keeps in touch with those people, they'll be a really bad influence on her. It's still more than a week (that's when I'm moving) before I can see her or talk to her again (she hates phone calls, so we only communicate in written form) and I'm afraid she will either do something drastic or that her silence will drive me mad.
I myself have been struggling with depression, anxiety and very low self-esteem since I was a kid, but it's never been as bad as the last few weeks. I started seeing a therapist and gotten some anti-anxiety meds prescribed (I used to take them over a decade ago), but I still managed to not take any of them, partly because she gave out to me when I told her that I went to a doctor and gotten the prescription, even though she's taking the same thing when she's anxious. I had trouble sleeping and eating for about 3 weeks now.
The last few weeks she barely ever made it sound like she wants to be with me anymore and I'm afraid this won't change after she's out of the hospital tomorrow. Sometimes she even makes comments about how I'm just making her life miserable, but so far she always told me in a few hours or a day later that she didn't really mean it.
She means the world to me, but I don't know how to deal with her dismissal of me anymore.
I need to get through the next week without breaking down, because I still hope it's gonna be easier when we can talk face to face and hold each other and not have to talk to a lifeless screen.

[crestfallen]

I've been in a long distance (different country and time zone) relationship for a few months with my girlfriend and I've decided to quit my job and move so we could be together (I used to live in that city before, so I'm "moving home"
She's been in an in-patient clinic for the last 4 weeks which was planned before we got together. It feels like she only gotten worse while in hospital even though she's got a lot of support there. Since after the first few days she'd rather stay in with the other patients than see her family or friends or be in the outside world in general.
Yesterday was the last "proper" day of the 4 week therapy, but she can only go home tomorrow. Yesterday she went out on their daily leave with 5 other BPs and gotten really drunk (which is against the clinic's policies and could have resolved in being sent home). Afterwards she messaged me that she's gotten in arguments, was running and flailing around, shouting and hit herself. Then she put out a cigarette on herself because she felt guilty for the above. I asked her what exactly happened and what triggered, but she didn't want to tell me, then one of her friends had to be taken and given infusion therapy, but she wouldn't say what happened to them either. She said she's mental and should be restrained and that I should leave her to save myself. Then later she said that nothing happened. And this morning she told me not to write her, because she can't talk to me.
She never kept anything from me before the hospital, but now she started keeping secrets, but still letting me know that something's up, just not the details, so I end up thinking about the worst possible options (usually involving one or more of cheating, drug abuse, physical violence and self-harm)
I'm afraid she'll be in an even worse state when she comes out of hospital and if she keeps in touch with those people, they'll be a really bad influence on her. It's still more than a week (that's when I'm moving) before I can see her or talk to her again (she hates phone calls, so we only communicate in written form) and I'm afraid she will either do something drastic or that her silence will drive me mad.
I myself have been struggling with depression, anxiety and very low self-esteem since I was a kid, but it's never been as bad as the last few weeks. I started seeing a therapist and gotten some anti-anxiety meds prescribed (I used to take them over a decade ago), but I still managed to not take any of them, partly because she gave out to me when I told her that I went to a doctor and gotten the prescription, even though she's taking the same thing when she's anxious. I had trouble sleeping and eating for about 3 weeks now.
The last few weeks she barely ever made it sound like she wants to be with me anymore and I'm afraid this won't change after she's out of the hospital tomorrow. Sometimes she even makes comments about how I'm just making her life miserable, but so far she always told me in a few hours or a day later that she didn't really mean it.
She means the world to me, but I don't know how to deal with her dismissal of me anymore.
I need to get through the next week without breaking down, because I still hope it's gonna be easier when we can talk face to face and hold each other and not have to talk to a lifeless screen.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyoctopus]

Crestfallen,

So sorry you are going through such a hard time. You sound like you have really been through the wringer.

Bless you for being there for your partner. It sounds so heartwrenching.

The boards are a great place to pour your heart out, read up on other people's situations, and feel validated among those who understand.

Hang in there.
 

[Mutt]

Hi Crestfallen,  



I'd like to join babyoctopus and welcome you to the family. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time.

I had trouble sleeping and eating for about 3 weeks now

I get the impression that you're really worried. I have anxiety and depression and I take medication as well, although both are under control but I can tell you that when the anxiety flares up it's not fun, you can probably relate with that.

It has to be difficult being in an in-patient clinic, maybe she feels vulnerable, like she's in a glass house, she might feel embarrassed and from what you share in your post, she feels ashamed, she doesn't want to talk about it if she's avoiding it. A pwBPD feel a lot of shame, low esteem, low self worth and self hate, some experts say that BPD is a shame based disorder, feeling guilty is feeling like you did something wrong, feeling shame is feeling like there is something wrong with you.

I agree with you that she's getting support in there, all of the people that she's with can relate with what it is like to have BPD, so they got out of hand if they really over stepped a boundary, wouldn't she have been kicked out? I think that the staff or the administration know that it was an incident, my advice is to not press her on the issue, sharing your mental illness with others goes a long way because for one, you're not alone.

We tend to overestimate what the issue is and underestimate our ability to cope when you suffer from anxiety   You're stronger than you think. Take it one step at a time, wait and see what really happens when she gets out, what do you for self care? Do you exercise? The reason why I ask is because it helps you sleep at night, you will get an appetite after a session and it helps with anxiety and depression symptoms, did your MD or T suggest exercise?

According to some studies, regular exercise works as well as medication for some people to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the effects can be long lasting. One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may significantly reduce them over time.

https://www.adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/managing-anxiety/exercise-stress-and-anxiety

[livednlearned]

Hi Crestfallen,

She is likely in a very fragile state, being that she is about to leave the hospital. The prospect of success can be very destabilizing for someone who is prone to feeling profoundly inadequate. If she gets well, she may fear that people will no longer be there to help her. If she stays sick, there is comfort in that.

Add to that, sometimes people with BPD will sabotage a relationship in order to prevent you from abandoning them. It sounds like she may be doing that, a pre-emptive strike, so to speak. This is not to say she is aware she is doing this.

It does take strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Typically, a BPD sufferer needs a partner who can be a little detached from the up and down emotional roller coaster that is their reality.

Taking care of yourself is job number one.

Separate from seeing her, are you looking forward to moving back?

[crestfallen]

Thank you all for your replies.
Quite a few things changed since my post (or rather, she told me things that she already knew before), there's probably no chance of her not breaking up with me, but at least she's willing to meet to talk some things through that we couldn't do online. I'm trying to look forward to all the things that make me happy or at least busy for the coming months, so I can stop the spiral that losing her is causing.
We haven't talked for 2 days now, but last time we did, she seemed to be in a worse state than anytime in the last year or so. She's been drinking a lot since she came out of the hospital, but I don't know what else she's been up to, because we barely talked after she was discharged.
She wanted to start with a clean slate so she's not afraid to talk to me (because of all the hurtful things she's already said), which I would have been willing to do even though it would have been one sided (she can't forget or forgive the times I've let her down). But about 5 minutes later she told me she doesn't want to do that either and that she can't love me anymore and hasn't, for quite a while.
I'm sure this time it's not a preemptive strike. She's done that earlier in the relationship once or twice, but this is different. I assured her of my devotion over and over while she was trying to push me away, but she hasn't changed her mind in over a week and it's never taken more than a day or two before, so I'm afraid this is really the end.
I haven't felt so close to or so strongly about anyone in a decade or so, so I will need all the distraction in the world not to spend the next few months doing nothing, but grieving.

[livednlearned]

Hi crestfallen,

I'm really sorry this is all happening, it's clear you really love her and want to be with her.

She recently got out of the hospital and is likely using alcohol to cope with extreme anxiety. BPD is a real emotional roller coaster and the discharge may be a lot more destabilizing that you or I can understand. This is about her trying to stabilize herself -- intimacy with you, whether verbal or otherwise, will trigger intense feelings and right now, from what you describe, she is trying (in an unskilled way) to get some equilibrium. You are the collateral damage of all this.

It may or may not be personal, we can't really know that.

But with BPD, it helps to understand that there are ways to make things worse. Any information that conflicts with how she feels will be rejected. As odd as it may be, this includes telling her you are devoted to her. That is not how she feels. Better to validate how she feels and minimize the chances that you will trigger an escalation.

For example, if she says. "I feel like you cannot be trusted. You say love me then you do these things to let me down"

Your validating response is, "I can understand how you would feel that way. If someone did that to me, I would feel that way too."

A JADE response (justify, argue, defend, explain) tends to escalate things, which you don't want. "I never did those things to you" when she feels you did, just sets you up for an argument.

There are other skills like SET (support, empathy, truth) that are used to introduce the truth, and it's not uncommon to wait until your BPD loved one is returned to baseline to introduce the T.

If she feels you don't love, don't insist that you do. Validate how she feels (this is different than agreeing with what she accuses you of, or apologizing for what you did."