Pushing through the pain - resisting the urge to contact her

[RomanticFool]

Today has been a tough day. I miss my exBPD married lover terribly.  It has been 6 weeks since I walked away. She had made it impossible for us to see each other anymore and I was sick of the ST.

I had 5 weeks NC and then this week there was an email exchange which has opened the wound up all over again and I sent the final message to her last night. No reply. It's over. This time I am confident I will stick to NC and I think she will too.

I keep thinking about all of the intimate moments we shared. The times she told me about what she had shared to her psychiatrist, the time she cried when watching La La Land and I comforted her. The time she held my hand in the cinema. The time we stood in a shopfront and kissed after the theatre. The meals we shared together. The time we danced together. The lovemaking. That crooked smile and pouting look... .

Then another thought hit me. I have known her for 14 years and there really aren't that many of these memories for that length of time. Are those few wonderful moments what I have put my life on hold for? It's been five years since the beginning of the recycle and I must have been abroad 40 plus times. Never with her. I have done my job, I have played piano, I have written things, I have had a life - from which she has been entirely absent apart from some stolen moments in hotel rooms, restaurants and cinemas. There has been precious little to keep my fire going. Yet the flame has burnt so very very brightly.

I had a relationship with a married woman years before my BPD. It was so traumatic that I vowed I would never get involved with somebody attached ever again. I stuck to that until I met my exBPD.

I think I was so attached to her because she keyed into my childhood wounds. We both have the same abandonment complex. She touched me deeply. But now she is probably getting ready to go to bed with her husband and I am wondering where the last 14 years of my life went with her in my head.

I so want to reach out to her and tell her how much I miss her, how much I want her, how much I need her, how much I hate her... .

Here's what I am going to do instead: 1. Grieve this relationship and move on 2. Never get involved with somebody unavailable again. 3. Live my life and stop putting it on hold hoping she will be part of it.

[roberto516]

Romantic fool my friend. I just posted I will never speak to mine again after I made my amends to her. And guess what I wanted to do one hour ago? Reach out to her! So I get it. You are doing what I'm doing which is going to help. What I used to do was think of the good times when we were together so I didn't let myself run from something that had potential (boy was I wrong). So now I'm doing the opposite.

I was driving down the road today, and it was so beautiful. And I missed her. Then I thought "what would you be doing today if you were with her". And it would have been hanging out while she went to yoga, took her out to eat, went food shopping, came back so she could nap while I sat by myself, then she would wake up, we'd watch her tv shows, then she'd go back to sleep. There's nothing wrong with that. Nothing whatsoever. But she lost all interest in going out, trying to rekindle the spark, having fun. So I remind myself of the bad times now. Once I remember that she said I ruined christmas because I went home and was depressed to be with family because I didn't feel her support it's easy for me to stay away.

She doesn't deserve my love, and yours doesn't either. But we did love them. I loved like I never did before. But it's okay. I too am feeling the grief. When I get sad I tell myself to stop thinking about the details and focus on the sadness. How does it feel in my body? And I tell myself it's okay. And I feel better. Right now I have to do that hundreds of times a day because my thoughts constantly come back to her. But the brain can't think two things at once. So I have to keep trying. It's either that or waste my life pining for her. I only have two choices. Just like you.

[RomanticFool]

Hey Roberto,

I feel I have only one chance. Get as far away from her in every way possible. I recovered from the love I felt for her once before. By the time I married my wife, my exBPD was nothing but a bitter-sweet memory from the past. An oxymoronic enigma who did nothing but run away from me. I never once doubted that I was doing the right thing in marrying my wife. However, my wife has intimacy issues too (I sh*t you not) and the lack of a sex life with her led me to open the door again to the exBPD. Plus she lied by omission once again. She asked to meet me and not a word about her husband being in rude health. I assumed he had died of cancer and suddenly thought I had a chance of being with a woman who had once upon a time been my dream. If I'd known about BPD then, I'd have realised how insane it was thinking that I might even get divorced six months after my wedding!

I think those of us who fall for a pwBPD have similar issues ourselves. No accident then that I hooked another woman with certain traits, though I stress my wife has no issues around empathy with me (so far). I think if there is a spectrum, my exBPD married lover is at the top and perhaps my wife and I are on the very low end of it. It is a very healthy way for me to think because it means I can't spend my time pointing the finger at the exBPD. I have to look at myself and see what attracted me to her... .and her to me.

One thing I am absolutely certain about is that staying with a pwBPD comes with a cast iron guarantee of misery. The sexual and emotional high isn't as addictive with my wife, but it is real and based on mutual love and respect. And trust. That is why I must stick with NC. I owe it to my wife to be present in our marriage. Something I haven't been almost since it began. She is a good woman and deserves my attention.

As I sit here thinking about the message I sent to the exBPD yesterday, which was trying to compensate for the vitriol I unleashed on her the day before. I thought, the cold-hearted exBPD hasn't got the wherewithal to just say, 'Thanks for your message. The sentiment was lovely.' Of course she wouldn't say that, it requires empathy (plus I did still say I felt betrayed). Then I wished I hadn't sent the softer message (she probably perceived it as angry and aggressive)... .then I wished I hadn't sent the message outing her as a borderline (she definitely perceived that as angry and aggressive). Then I wished I hadn't sent the previous message telling her how awful she has been to me. Then I wished I'd never answered her, 'Thinking of you' message. And now? Now I wish I'd never let her back into my life. Yes, we had good times, but frankly, the pain outweighs them and being involved with her has stopped me from working on my marriage.

Do not despair my friend. You are further down the line of NC than me and I truly believe you are much closer to future happiness. They can turn their back on us, but they cannot stop us from living the sh*t out of our lives without a single thought of them... .and that is where I want to get to. Total Indifference!

[roberto516]

We will get there. And I agree. Even though I blocked her I know she didn't respond to my apology. You've really grown the past day. And we all have to look at ourselves.

I have to get where you are. My only two long term relationships were with BPD's. I have to give myself a chance to find real love. Will it be as passionate and fun? No. But that's true love. I have yet to give true love a chance. I pushed all those nice girls away. Because true love is compassion and empathy when you are just trying to speak as a way to improve the relationship. True love is give and take. True love is just empathy in general. And that's far more precious than the idealization phase and a longing desire to hope for it back and doing all you can while they do so little.

She told me during the first breakup that she checked up her exe's on facebook and said they look happier. So it has to be her. Well she's right. And I'll be another one who is happier. Maybe she will find a doormat. More than likely she will find a narcissist. She fought harder to stay with them. I guess it's comfortable for her. Either way I will stop wondering that stuff. And she will become a faded memory I will only back upon to remind myself of all the lessons I learned.

[Icefog]

Boy I can certainly relate to all that's said here. I typically find certain days of the week harder than others and Sunday is one of them. I have been resisting the urge to contact all day. I have been NC for four months now after she abruptly ended our three year relationship. No previous indication anything was wrong... .one day we were together the next day gone... .with no rationale why and wouldn't speak with me. No closure has been difficult but at the end of the day I know what that's about. I don't think she had the emotional capacity to do closure anyway so it's been up to me to give that to myself.  The rumination and space she rents in my head is quite bad some days but getting better. Also my mood liability from sadness to anger to loneliness is exhausting. I know there will be an end to it and I'm working really hard using all the skills and supports but some days it's just so unfair that I was involved with this person. Seems a lot of people knew and I was blinded by the love bombing. That's cold comfort when trying to fill this void. I can't believe that a adult could be so cruel as to profess undying love one day and then cut and run the next... .literally with no further contact... .it's evil.

[RomanticFool]

I find Sundays difficult too Icefog. Too much time to sit around in anger, loneliness and resentment. I have to keep busy from now on to combat such feelings.