ASD + BPD = YIKES

[yeahnah]

Hiya 

I’m a “high functioning” (I hate that term, but it’s the easiest way to explain it to a layperson) autistic woman, with a BPD sister. Due to circumstances beyond my control, we’ve both ended up back in the family home for the past year while we sort bits and pieces of our lives out. Needless to say, that’s not working out too wonderfully.

My parents have their own issues - my mother moreso than my father - but they’re both pretty resistant to exploring it or even truly acknowledging there’s a problem. There’s a plethora of odd people in our extended family - savant-like skills in music and engineering and languages; bipolar, OCD and severe depression - so I never really got the sense that we were anything other than normal until my late teens or early 20s.

My sister was misdiagnosed in her teens with bipolar and suicidal tendencies. There were rage blackouts where she’d smash crockery and get physically aggressive. There were days where she’d lock herself in her room and refuse to come out, playing one (generally depressing) song on a loop at top volume. There was drug and alcohol abuse and self harm. There was four months in a psychiatric ward, and one occasion where the police sent out half a dozen squad cars and a chopper to locate her after she drove out into the countryside intending to end it. She was legally dead when the found her, but a lovely policeman managed to resuscitate her and stayed till the ambulance arrived.

As a side-note: this has really messed up my parents over the past decade, both individually and as a couple. Mum is erratic, with distinct BPD/NPD tendencies. Dad has become anxious and lives in a daydream a lot of the time. 

It wasn’t till a psychiatrist diagnosed BPD about 5 years ago that everything fell into place - the series of intense relationships (platonic and romantic) spanning from preschool to her 20s, where she’d insinuate herself into their family’s life (including sometimes actually moving into their home). The way she latched on to me very heavily for a year or so when she was about 20, after not wanting anything to do with her uncool older sister since she was 12; she became downright distraught and begged me not to go when I decided to study abroad, but was withdrawn when I returned home, like we’d never been close in the first place. There’s the way she’d go from being sweet, dependable, and a lot of fun with everyone, to either distant (not responding to texts/calls, or being mentally checked out when in the same room), or downright cruel for no obvious reason.

She was all-in with the diagnosis at first: read the books, did the therapy, sorted out the self care and CBT. But then she fell into another relationship, moved to a city 10 hours away, and lost her support network. Things eventually fell apart, we came down to rescue her, and she got a local psychiatrist. This doctor, in their infinite wisdom, told her she didn’t have BPD, just “some BPD traits”. Being that my sister was at a low ebb, this is exactly what she wanted to hear, and she latched onto it. Nowadays, if anyone so much as infers she has BPD, she’ll angrily deny it.

For me, it’s emotionally exhausting. Like a lot of autistic women, I have empath tendencies but social literacy issues - that is to say, I feel other people’s emotions very strongly, but have trouble processing them or knowing how best to behave. This in itself makes life difficult, but add a BPD sibling into the mix and you’ve pretty much got an open flame and a jerry can of kerosene.

It’s been a rollercoaster since I moved back in. I never know what version of her I’m going to get, and I’m never sure whether I can let her in when she is nice, for as much as BPDs have issues with abandonment, spectrum types like me have a long history of social rejection (which tends to leave us pretty emotionally screwed up, cautious, and stand offish). I struggle enough with saying the 'right' thing to people all day at work, but getting home and knowing that one bad choice of word will cast me as the villain for at least a week is exhausting. I’m constantly on edge, and I know the continuous simmering stress messes with both my autistic/cognitive function and the co-morbid autoimmune issues I have.

I don’t want to say where I live, but suffice to say it’s generally acknowledged to be one of the most expensive cities in the world, so saving up to move out again is slow going. I’m not looking for people to provide solutions, but just sharing the story with others is sort of cathartic. My friends have problems of their own, our remaining sibling opted out of the family about 5 years ago (we catch up 2-3 times a year at most), and my psychologist is better at dealing with solvable problems of the autistic than with BPD siblings (not her specialty). I don't really have anyone else to tell.

Sorry for the long-windedness. If you’ve made it this far, much love to you 

[Kwamina]

Hi yeannah

Welcome to bpdfamily

You have been through a lot with your sister and are also dealing with your own issues. I can definitely see how living with your sister again can be quite difficult to deal with.

I can imagine how traumatic it must also have been for you when your sister tried to take her own life. Did you perhaps get any help back then yourself to help you process that experience?

Would you say your sister currently still has suicidal tendencies?

It's unfortunate that your sister no longer accepts her previous BPD diagnosis and no longer seems committed to doing the work to manage her difficult thoughts and emotions. I can see how the later doctor saying she only has some BPD traits could play into this. Did that doctor say anything else about your sister? Perhaps anything about treatment/therapy for your sister?

Take care and I am glad to see you join our online community

The Board Parrot

[yeahnah]

Hi Kwamina

Thank you for the welcome!

No, there's been no therapy or counselling recently to specifically deal with that. I've got a specialist in female autism/Asperger's, who kind of gets how my neuro wiring and thought processes work, but she deals more with helping me fix my own challenges. Our time together is at a premium, so we prioritise personal over interpersonal (especially considering that the best solution to the BPD issues is just to go LC/NC with my sister for a while). I've spoken with non-ASD-specialist counsellors before, but they're a bit at sea when it comes to knowing how to work with neurodivergent brains - I think I frustrate them by being about three steps ahead and anticipating their line of questioning

I'm not in my sister's head, so goodness knows whether she still feels that urge. I think she's taking her prescribed meds... .? No point asking her, that's as good as a red rag to a bull. We don't know what that doctor said to her, only what she relayed to us (doctor-patient confidentiality and all that). She has a new shrink since she came home, and I know Dad was taking her to appointments for a while, but I don't think she's been in ages.

Our father likes to think he's helping by sitting down with her when she's having one of her episodes and working through her fears, then bringing me the list to address. I've tried to explain that all he's doing is legitimising her paranoia (she's sometimes convinced I'm going to attack her, despite their being no history of this, no threats from me, and I mostly give her a wide berth), and casting himself as the Rescuer and me the Persecuter. He thinks he knows better, though.

Ahhh, what can you do? I'm just relieved to be somewhere with people who've experienced similar. It's a comfort.