Understanding the process

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am trying to understand the process of divorce.

Maybe someone can give me some basics. Last week my lawyer accepted service for my wife's filing. The process is rolling. My lawyer told me that because of all the court cases we will not even know a court date until sometime in June. So the court date may be sometime late June early July.

What happens at this first court hearing? Is this where the judge decides to grant the divorce and distributes assets as he sees fit based on what he is presented by both lawyers?

So before this first court hearing is this where depositions may possibly be taken? Is this where her attorney will look up my phone records ( as my wife has indicated her lawyer will do, I said have a big time because you won't find anything)

Is this the time period that I will give my lawyer any printed out texts I have saved over the course of 2 years? What would be considered too much information? not enough information?

[byfaith]

I am trying to understand the process of divorce.

Maybe someone can give me some basics. Last week my lawyer accepted service for my wife's filing. The process is rolling. My lawyer told me that because of all the court cases we will not even know a court date until sometime in June. So the court date may be sometime late June early July.

What happens at this first court hearing? Is this where the judge decides to grant the divorce and distributes assets as he sees fit based on what he is presented by both lawyers?

So before this first court hearing is this where depositions may possibly be taken? Is this where her attorney will look up my phone records ( as my wife has indicated her lawyer will do, I said have a big time because you won't find anything)

Is this the time period that I will give my lawyer any printed out texts I have saved over the course of 2 years? What would be considered too much information? not enough information?

[HopefulDad]

Where are you?  Divorce laws differ by state and country.  Those laws often dictate the typical process.

[livednlearned]

What happens at this first court hearing?

In my state, the very first court hearing is mostly a formality. The two lawyers stand before the judge and say that they are representing their clients.

Honestly, it felt like a bit of theater. The two Ls, who were collegial and go to each other's holiday parties, have to show their clients that they are representing them, so there is some posturing. "My client is a good dad with a close relationship to his kids and a hard workers with a clean record, blah blah blah."

And then your side says something similar, and there is some chit chat with the judge.

Like Hopefuldad mentioned, every state handles things in a different way. You might want to order a Nolo book: www.store.nolo.com/products/divorce-and-child-custody

Or, you can always call the Clerk of Court -- he or she cannot give legal advice, but their job is to help explain the legal process. There are plenty of people who represent themselves and the clerk can be helpful.

You can also call your lawyer's office and talk to front of office and ask. You shouldn't be charged for that, at least my L's office did not.

We also have this anatomy of a divorce proceeding -- it may not quite be what you're looking for but it's compiled by people here to help each other understand the process (and then some).

[ForeverDad]

In my state, and likely many others, the first hearing is to establish the most basic issues, often with default preference going to the mother (if any children).  Who resides in the house.  Who gets the children and when, again mother often gets default preference in the temp custody and temp parenting schedule.

In my state the order of events goes roughly like this, though it can be shorter if the parents don't need certain steps:  Temp order, Mediation attempt, court's social worker Parenting Investigation, Custody Evaluation, Discovery or Interrogatories, Settlement Conference, Trial date set, Trial, Final Decree.

My lawyer estimated that it would be 6 months without children, 7-9 months with children.  From filing to final decree was 23.5 months, including a few continuances.  My ex had such a favorable temp order she made us go through every step then settled minutes before the trial was to being on Trial Day.

[flourdust]

Check your state and county websites, then ask your lawyer to clarify what you've learned.

In my state, the first hearing is essentially to set up the process. The judge wants to determine if the next step is a trial or some alternate, like mediation. Because of the caseload in family court, my county pushes very hard for a county-run form of mediation, and the judge may insist you try or demonstrate you've tried to reach a settlement outside of court.

At that first hearing, the judge may also order evaluations, such as a custody evaluation or financial evaluation. The judge may also agree to listen to motions for temporary orders, such as spousal maintenance to be paid while the divorce process unwinds.

[formflier]

Byfaith,

A couple initial thoughts.  From what I know of your situation, I doubt there will be much need for any of the things your stbx is threatening.

No kids... correct?  So... no custody issues.

Issues to be decided.

1.  The amount of alimony or if there will be alimony at all.
2.  The split up of the house, of it you will be able to keep that as yours.  From my remembrance she is not on the title in a named capacity but "is on title" because she is your wife or was your wife when you accepted title.  "that you were a married man" or some such language is on the title.

Is she filing for "no fault" divorce? or "fault".  Does your state even have a "fault" divorce process.

Question to ask your L at some point.  Do you have any pathway to annulment?  Or "fraud"?  Or "fault divorce".  Based on her expectation that you be married but celibate?   This really depends on state law.

Even if there is a pathway to "prove her at fault"... ."proving" things in court costs time and money. 

If you are trying to save $10k worth of  payments to her... .and it is likely to cost you $6-7k in legal fees (and an uncertain outcome), you are likely much better to settle for something you can live with AND start living your life again.

My guess is that the "discovery" that you will have to be part of is for financial things... .so see things in black and white.

All the other business about phone records is unlikely to matter.  If it comes up, make sure you know what they are trying to prove before you spend money on it.

Again... big picture.  I get the feeling you are looking for fastest track to get your life back.  Am I right?

FF