Do BPD'ers end a relationship without telling you?

[vortexspin]

Hi all,
New here, great posts on this site that are so helpful

My ex bf "ghosted" me three times during our 6 month relationship. Now i know he has BPD, i understand why he did this and that it is common... .each time, after 2-3 weeks of the "silent treatment" he came back as if nothing had happened, despite my numerous emails asking him if he was ok etc and to please contact me.

Anyway this last time we had a nasty texting episode (well HE was nasty) and he got very mean and i didnt hear from him for 5 weeks. I sent 3 emails asking him to PLEASE let me know what is going on, if its over etc.
No response.

I found out from his friend during this 5 weeks he was "going to reach out and just wanted his anger to subside" (he had no reason to be angry! i did!) and so i sat in imbo for 5 weeks. Then one day i contacted his friend again as i couldnt deal with being in limbo, and he said he just texted him and he said "oh i am gonna let sleeping dos lie".What the heck? he was just going to leave it, end the relationship and never tell me? I called him and he answered as my number didnt show up. When he first answered he said "jesus fkn christ, are you serious?" when he realised it was me (seriously, thats how you answer the phone?)  then i went on to tell him CALMLY and NICELY how hard these past weeks have been and how i just was unsure of what was going on, i was sad etc... .he replied "dont fkn guilt trip me" etc. He was horrible and angry.
Anyway he calmed down and it was ok. But he had no intention of contacting me to tell me our relationship was over, despite my many emails telling him to please just tell me if its over so i can move on with my life. nothing

So is this normal BPD bevior? I know the silent treatment is / ghosting so i guess it is the same thing, but the other times he came back, this time his intentions were to end it. He apparently asked his other friends and they said to "leave it" and say nothing. what the heck? who are these people, no integrity!

Is this just ending a relationship without tellling your gf common amongst BPDs?

thanks in advance, this website is a godsend and i am so grateful i found it!

[balletomane]

A pattern of emotionally intense and unstable relationships is part of BPD, along with difficulty understanding and considering other people's needs. That can look different from person to person. My diagnosed BPD ex didn't vanish without telling his partners, but he would often not inform them that he had broken up with them until he was in a new relationship or at least had a replacement lined up. In my case he asked to meet me one day (I thought it was to cheer me up because I hadn't been well) and told me without apology or preamble that he was now dating his flatmate, but he hoped I would stay his friend "because I need you." He seemed genuinely astonished when I started to cry. When I pointed out through the suffocating pain that this was hardly an ethical way to break up with someone (and I didn't phrase it as strongly as that because I was terrified of his rages), he said that we'd "fallen apart gradually" and he thought I knew that. This was news to me, but it's typical of how he thought: if he felt something, it was fact. I doubt he considered how it would feel to me.

[hurting300]

Every Person with BPD is different. That said, mine vanished when I was at work. No goodbye. No text. Nothing. I have read however that people who are  narcissistic and sociopathic ghost in relationships a lot more than pwBPD.

[vortexspin]

... .thanks to both of you, so sorry you have both been through all that... .sounds like it is not uncommon for them to "ghost" and you not hear back from them... .so disrespectful. You have a relationship with someone then *poof* they just vanish like a teenager without a word, hoping you will "get the message" from their silence.
This guy is in his 40's. Not some sophomore. But i guess with a mental disorder you cannot compare them to a nonBPD and the way we would handle it. Its so sad and hurtful... .and of course the abuse thrown at me and how dare i "guilt trip " him - which i wasnt , i was merely saying how hard it had been not hearing from him for 5 weeks, and not knowing what was going on. I guess that is part of the BPD... .

[FSTL]

In my experience, there's lots of reasons why they "ghost".

They have a picture in their head (and the picture can change day to day) of how things are. When we got back together once, mine just assumed that I knew it was "casual". On another occasion she blamed me for getting back with her... .what else should I expect from a young girl who "doesn't know what she wants".

They struggle with empathy and are self centred, so have no idea of how you feel. Not telling you it's over when they consider it over is normal for them.

Other times she has reached out to me, we've had a fun time and then heard nothing from her other than the occasional angry message, like I was annoying her by trying to reach out like she did. Again - all about her feelings and no consideration for mine.

What all of this (eventually... .and it wasn't easy) lead to was that it didn't matter whether they were ghosting or why they were doing it - all I knew is I didn't want to be exposed to such crappy treatment and I deserved better. I don't need to involve them in that decision making or even agree with them. Just BIFF (if at all) and no more ghosting... .