I have a hunch. Opinions/experiences welcomes

[roberto516]

So many of you know that me and my ex are applying for jobs at the same company. They have an open house tomorrow. I reached out and asked if there was a way for us to coordinate our schedukes so that we don't have to be there at the same time. (I really couldn't handle seeing her). Nobreply. I then send one more message asking if she can please respond so that I can plan when I'm going there.

She responds with a photoshopped picture of a cat woth crazy eyes and then says it would be my dog (the one I took when we broke up) if she was a cat. I didn't reply.

I'm thinking this is her trying to get on my good side because if I get the job I will be the boss of the position she's going for. And she's being laid off so she really needs a job.

I'm proud that this had no effect. Old me would've grabbed for her reply of being funny and nice to me. Not this time. I'm trying to be civil until this job situation is cleared up. And in a perfect world we won't work together. But in the meantime I think I'm learning to not fall for it. Bevause deep down its all about her.

Any ideas or thoughts on why that was her text reply?

[Mutt]

Hi roberto516,

That's good that you didn't grab her reply, but the second message that you sent telegraphs that it bothers you and that there's a bit of an attachment there because you if you weren't you wouldn't of sent the second one.

There's no right or wrong here and I understand that this work ( changing how we respond ) takes time and practice. I've been there. I used to have email threads where I'd be fighting with the ex by email for almost my entire shift, it was back and forth, it was both us trying blaming each other, I'd try to get her to change, I had knots in my stomach when I left work and I dreaded walking through the door because nothing was ever resolved.

Nobreply. I then send one more message asking if she can please respond so that I can plan when I'm going there.

I wouldn't send her another message, I'd prep myself for the open house tomorrow, you may or may not see her there, try to focus on you. Also you know her better than anyone on this board and if that's her sense her humor, that's her sense of humor. I wouldn't look into it too much, it'll drive you crazy.

[roberto516]

Thanks mutt. I'd be a fool to say there isn't an attachment. When she got laid off I said I wouldn't care about working together because I don't have feelings anymore. Her response ? "Haha yeah right." Which makes me think that she knows how I feel and will keep me around until she gets whatever it is she needs from me.

I just find it off that she completely ignored my message and attempt to converse to make a plan. Instead she tried to deflect with humor and ignore my question altogether. Which is what she'd do before. When I'd be upset and try to talk to her she'd just get up and hug me or try and make a joke. It worked all the time but left the initial issue and concerns still unresolved. Her way of coping I guess.

I fuly believe that if she got a job and they passed on me she'd disappear. It's all about keeping it civil in case. But being aware of that is helping me not fall for it.

[ArleighBurke]

Talking to you, or even texting, requires a level of socialness/cooperation/admitting something (can't think of the word).

If she didn't respond to your first text, I would have sent the second text being "I havn't heard from you. So I've decided I'll be there Sat 10-2, Sun 9-1. I would appriciate you not being there during those times".

This method means:
 -you are not waiting for her to help make your plans
 -you have been polite by asking first, when she doesn't respond that is on her
 -you are showing that she can't hold you up - that even without her input, you are moving forwards
 -it also allows her to "agree" and do what you want without her actually having to agree (she doesn't have to explicitly say OK - so you are giving her an easy way to comply without her APPEARING like she's complying)

These 2 concepts are key (I think):
 - don't allow someone else to dictate your life. Be polite, but if they don't want to cooperate - decide and move forward. Don't allow them to control your life
 - Give people outs. Especially BPDs. If they can't handle making a decision, or their pride won't allow them to say yes - give them a way to comply that saves their pride. In the above, she can tell all her friends (and herself) that she didn't go between "your times" because she was shopping, or she didn't know, or any of thousands of excuses. But by trying to force her to agree, you are battling her pride.