How do you feel when you hear "invalidating environment?"

[BreathingDeeply]

I've been binge-watching BPD conference lectures and binge-reading professional papers in the last few days and even among sincere and compassionate BPD professionals, I am finding them to be "invalidating environments" - environments that invalidate us, the parents. So much of the old BPD paradigm has changed, why does this persist?

I know I have not been a perfect parent but I have been an imperfectly warm and nurturing and devoted parent, and I have parented the same or better than parents of non-BPD children (how many parents of non-BPD children have had to go to the lengths we have gone to for our child?), and used the same parenting methods they have and made the same honest, human mistakes they have. The only difference is that they got lucky; their kid was biologically able to move beyond and my kid wasn't. I have taken a Family Connections workshop and ALL the parents we met were loving and caring and devoted in the extreme and have moved heaven and earth to help their children. There is no difference between us and them except for our children's biological predisposition toward emotional dysregulation.

Parenting, by necessity, will at times be invalidating. Children will need to be told no, will need limits, will need correcting and occasionally consequences. Virtually every teenager on the planet finds their parents invalidating but we understand that that's the natural state of the teenager and the distorted teenage lens, not that the parents are in fact invalidating. Our kids with emerging or full-blown BPD are highly sensitive. Everything that is not exactly what they want when they want it is by definition invalidating, and often due to unstable identity, they don't even know what they want and it changes from minute to minute. There was no way not to be invalidating when we were raising them except to have been too permissive, and they'd still be miserable. There is no way to satisfy a child who is empty and cannot be filled.

As for data, I would imagine that whatever data has been collected about abuse, neglect, and invalidating parents is from the pwBPD themselves. As much as I hate to cast doubt over reports of abuse, it must be pointed out that many pwBPD suffer from cognitive distortions and turn their feelings into facts that never actually happened. How many of us have been accused by our children of doing or saying things that never actually happened? For purposes of research, data collected this way is simply unreliable.

I'm really frustrated that this outdated paradigm persists and in this, I certainly can relate to my BPDd's reluctance to trust and open up to a therapist for fear of what they're really thinking. I'd love to hear others' thoughts on this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi breathing deeply

I live in the uk and BPD is not very well known, awareness and treatments are available but not widespread. I don't think there's the stigma like there is in the USA (yet) but I could be wrong.

I was really surprised when my American cousin messaged me when my BPDs26 got dx. She said I only had to ask for help if I needed it, that she didn't judge me on my parenting skills.  To be honest, that was very invalidating. My US cousins never ask me about my BPDs as I guess we may be an embarrassment or maybe they just don't know what to say.

For my own part, I accept my role in our problems. I feel I haven't caused the BPD but I also feel that I could have sought out help earlier when he was young. What help, if any, I received in the 90s is questionable. I just knew that there was something wrong but I just justified or reasoned it out. I do know that in his teenager years I made it worse through my either too hard or too soft parenting. That's me, not you. I don't feel guilt but I think there's some in there that keeps me going to these lengths to try and be the right parent for him now.

My BPDs is hyper sensitive, my behaviour to him could have been better but I did the best I could.  I love him and he became my obsession but I know better now.

I get what your saying about the invalidation. Things in the mental health world are progressing fast but I think the materials lag behind somewhat. I wouldn't take it to heart, you're doing the right thing for yourself and that's to arm yourself with thr knowledge and skills you're going to need to have s better relationship.  Sift through what's right for you and don't take it personally.

You're a good parent.

LP

[BreathingDeeply]

For my own part, I accept my role in our problems. I feel I haven't caused the BPD but I also feel that I could have sought out help earlier when he was young. What help, if any, I received in the 90s is questionable. I just knew that there was something wrong but I just justified or reasoned it out. I do know that in his teenager years I made it worse through my either too hard or too soft parenting. That's me, not you. I don't feel guilt but I think there's some in there that keeps me going to these lengths to try and be the right parent for him now.

My BPDs is hyper sensitive, my behaviour to him could have been better but I did the best I could.  I love him and he became my obsession but I know better now.

LP, regarding too hard or too soft parenting, do you think there is such a thing as "just right parenting" for these children and adolescents? Because I have come to realize that no, no there isn't. The way we interact with them now as adults is not the right way to parent a child or adolescent. We couldn't do this then, it would have been inappropriate. There is only too hard or too soft and that's the nature of the disorder. It's not our kids' fault for sure, but you know what? It's not our fault either. Not one bit. You regret not having sought help sooner? We sought help very, very early. At age 6 or 7. And we never, ever stopped. Not ever. And my assumption and regret has always been that by taking her to professional after professional and not accepting the diagnoses that didn't fit or the treatment that wasn't right, WE created in her the sense that she was broken and no one knew how to fix her, that WE caused this by seeking help. So you see, damned if we do and damned if we don't. When in reality, she always had the sense that she was broken, it arose within her because she is miswired that way, not in response to anything we did or didn't do. And I have a feeling that your son is the same.

I read a post on here recently by atmywitsendtoo about how her daughter's school district was pressuring her to homeschool but she didn't because she thought her daughter needed to be in a social environment to learn appropriate social and relationship skills. Guess what? We homeschool. We didn't always, and I do believe that BPDd's schools (private schools) were terribly invalidating environments (we never let up there either) but she had our unwavering support and we stayed on top of things and eventually we pulled all the kids out of school and have been homeschooling them all very happily and successfully for a good number of years, and still, here we are today.

The reason why it is most important to address and clarify this misconception is not so my feelings won't be hurt but because parents are severely undervalued as a resource in the treatment of our children. I was condescended to and not listened to or taken seriously by BPDd's therapists and important information that I provided that should have informed the course of her treatment was ignored and not communicated to the relevant clinical staff. The result: a wasted 5 months, lots of wasted money, and a new crisis and escalation of BPD symptoms. And of course, disillusionment with the BPD/DBT therapy community and decreased likelihood that she will be willing to try the right kind of therapy again any time soon. And I have spoken to other families who have experienced the same thing.

LP, I was a damn good parent and you were too. I'm sure of it.

[ravenstar]

I've been struggling with this for a long time now. Did I make mistakes as a parent? Absolutely... .did I abuse my child? No. Did I love her and do the best I could, especially as a single working mother? Yes.

I've been trying to get help for her since she was six and I noticed something wasn't right. She went off the deep end at 13 and it's been a rollercoaster since then. I am now learning about validation techniques and how my normal reactions have sometimes made things worse... .she's 18 now and just got properly diagnosed about 7 months ago... because no one wanted to label her BPD until then. Ugh. It would have been easier to help her before she became an adult and I'm hoping the Psych community changes their criteria soon.

My main mistake now is I care too much and I'm too worried... I'm sure the household tension is 50% my fault. BUT... .from what I can see only a trained therapist could respond to these kids properly on a consistent basis, and I'm betting that THAT is much easier to do when you are not emotionally involved and only see them an hour or two a week... or have a team to rely on.

The stress that goes with trying to parent a child with a PD is enormous... .there's no time off, it's 24/7.

I think it's a case of predisposition and environment... .some of the parents here have a child with a PD, and their other children don't. How do they explain that?

I blame myself all the time... .how can we not?, we are parents, we feel responsible for our babies but I don't think it's helpful for the professionals to do it to us too—especially when we are seeking help.

I have come to see in therapy that what is important when dealing with my daughter is HOW she perceived the past and responded to that... .not what actually happened, and I can accept that she sees things differently than I have and that she needs something different. But, I know the truth... and that's good enough for me.

My focus now is on how to we move forward from here. I own my part... .now to set boundaries and validate/diffuse/redirect when I can.

I have gone to great lengths to help my kid... .probably way farther than I should have and some of that has been counter-productive, but I'm learning from my mistakes... .at this point I'm probably sick too, from living with this strain and crazy-making for so long but I'm committed to working on it and creating a healthier life.

That's what I think about the 'invalidating' thing. It's far too simplistic.

[Gorges]

Blaming yourself must be a normal part of the parenting BPD process.  I have made many parenting mistakes.  Some reasonable, some actually abusive because I was so worn down.  I did the best I could with the tools I had.  I have apologized to her for my parenting mistakes and that is really all I can do at this point.  I also had to live through many therapists blaming me because my daughter would twist the truth and not see the situation for what it was.  I wouldn't mind if their advice helped but it never did and in fact my removing limits, upon their suggestions, made things worse.

As Forest Gump's mom said, "you make your own destiny".  I continue to use this line with my daughter and others, even when I recount my parenting mistakes.  This is her life now, she can choose to make the most of it or continue in her victim role.

Because BPD children tend to put themselves in a BPD role, it probably is not helpful for us to continue to do it for them by beating ourselves up about our parenting mistakes.  Trust me, you have a difficult child, you will make more mistakes. 

As far as validation.  I find this to be very tricky because I have also read that you don't want to "validate the invalid".   You don't have to validate everything and this is a big misconception that I think even therapists have.