Guilt

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So having been married to someone for 4 years and in those years there were obviously ups and downs the times of distrust, feeling like a hero one day and then a zero the next. Hostage taking and rage episodes left me very confused and isolated. My family and friends were victims of rage attacks and would not come around or were unable to talk to me. My world got smaller and I was told how horrible I was for wanting to go to the gym or meet with friends. It just seemed like the more I tried to love her the more unhappy she seemed to get. 4 months ago I had to leave I was in constant fear. All I have gotten after leaving is hatred and abusive statements. Very confusing as I still love this person and wish I could hear 1 thing I did right but I am told the best thing I can do is have little contact as possible.

[Wwilbur48]

So having been married to someone for 4 years and in those years there were obviously ups and downs the times of distrust, feeling like a hero one day and then a zero the next. Hostage taking and rage episodes left me very confused and isolated. My family and friends were victims of rage attacks and would not come around or were unable to talk to me. My world got smaller and I was told how horrible I was for wanting to go to the gym or meet with friends. It just seemed like the more I tried to love her the more unhappy she seemed to get. 4 months ago I had to leave I was in constant fear. All I have gotten after leaving is hatred and abusive statements. Very confusing as I still love this person and wish I could hear 1 thing I did right but I am told the best thing I can do is have little contact as possible.

[vortex of confusion]

 

Welcome to the forums!

Your post is titled 'guilt'. Are you feeling guilty about leaving? How were you able to leave/get away from her?

I think all of us that chose to leave have felt guilt about it. I used to feel very guilty about kicking the ex out after 17 years of marriage. I recognize now that I had to end things for my own sanity. Things were spiraling downhill at an ever increasing pace and I had to put a stop to it.

Have you been in contact with her since you left? Do you have kids together or things that you need to discuss such as practical matters such as finance? If you were married and have shared business, it is important to figure out which stuff needs discussed with her and which stuff doesn't. The less contact you have with her, the better. Ex has been out for well over a year and I still find dealing with him to be very difficult.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wilbur, Welcome!  It is confusing to have one's spouse treat one so poorly, as you describe.  As I can confirm, all the abuse erodes one's self-confidence and self-esteem.  Suggest you return the focus to yourself.  Go to the gym; meet with your friends; reach out to family.  Get back to being you.  You're not a zero, my friend, no matter what your Ex told you.  Yes, you did one right thing: you got yourself out of an abusive situation in your marriage.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.  Concerning guilt, I suggest you let it go, as it is generally leftover F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is how a pwBPD manipulates a Non.

LuckyJim