Silent Treatment

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

We broke up almost 3 months ago, have a 6 year old and a 22 month-old - so we still have to see each other frequently during hand-offs.

He's been relentlessly awful since the break-up (he's the one who said he wanted out of the marriage - but I think it's because he realized I was very close to giving up. In retrospect: how long was I going to suffer?)

I'm having a really hard time with the silent treatment. I had to email him about finances related to selling the house - no response. I texted him 3 days ago asking what we could do to improve our interactions and suggesting visiting our therapist, a mediator, or going for coffee. No response.

I can't believe that he's treating me like this horrible monster, when I'm the mother of his children, his partner of 10 years, his first love when we were teenagers, the supporter of his dreams, the best friend I knew how to be given our circumstances and the horrible cycle we were trapped in. How can he treat me like this? I feel like no one understands how crazy it makes me feel. This isn't normal break-up behavior, right?

It's so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to move forward but I feel so wounded by how he's treating me, and it's so exhausting to continue to try to understand rationally why this is happening - even as I understand that it's not rational.

[Adastra]

We broke up almost 3 months ago, have a 6 year old and a 22 month-old - so we still have to see each other frequently during hand-offs.

He's been relentlessly awful since the break-up (he's the one who said he wanted out of the marriage - but I think it's because he realized I was very close to giving up. In retrospect: how long was I going to suffer?)

I'm having a really hard time with the silent treatment. I had to email him about finances related to selling the house - no response. I texted him 3 days ago asking what we could do to improve our interactions and suggesting visiting our therapist, a mediator, or going for coffee. No response.

I can't believe that he's treating me like this horrible monster, when I'm the mother of his children, his partner of 10 years, his first love when we were teenagers, the supporter of his dreams, the best friend I knew how to be given our circumstances and the horrible cycle we were trapped in. How can he treat me like this? I feel like no one understands how crazy it makes me feel. This isn't normal break-up behavior, right?

It's so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to move forward but I feel so wounded by how he's treating me, and it's so exhausting to continue to try to understand rationally why this is happening - even as I understand that it's not rational.

[stimpy]

Hi Adastra,

I'm sorry you're going through this, it sounds very hard to deal with and I can see why it is hurting you and making you feel unhappy.

The silent treatment is now recognised as a form of emotional abuse, it is passive aggressive and highly controlling. It leaves the recipient confused, feeling rejected and under valued and in a sense unable to move forward. I personally had never experienced the silent treatment until I met my ex pwBPD. At first I had no idea what was going on, but I knew it was a horrible feeling being so completely devalued by the person I loved.

But, there can be more than one reason why someone gives out the silent treatment. Worst case scenario, then yes, it is to punish the recipient, to make them feel bad about themselves, and to shame them. While at the same time not having the courage, integrity or knowledge to actually pass on the reason for them excluding you. It is a terrible thing to do and it's purpose is utterly selfish.

However, there is an alternative scenario that is actually completely different in its origins. The person could actually be experiencing an intense and debilitating period in their lives where they "have" to isolate themselves from others, they may be reliving an emotional trauma that occurred in their childhood and their only way of coping and processing the trauma that has come back to the surface is to isolate themselves from others, especially significant others. Especially others that they have hurt and that they know could hurt them back.

And then again, he may simply not want to deal with the consequences of his actions and is in effect running away from the difficult stuff that now needs to be sorted out - in respect to property, assets. children etc... .It may all be too much for him at the moment and he doesn't know what to do. So he is doing nothing.

But either way, whatever the reason, it is behaviour born from poor emotional intelligence.

As to how you deal with it, well I'd say that depends largely on what your long term goals are for you and your relationship.

One way is to take back control for yourself, is to only communicate with your ex as when you need to, do it by email (so there is a record) and simply state in plain unemotional language what you plan to do and what you need from him and leave it like that. Do it unemotionally and factually, and accept that you probably won't get a reply. Indeed don't expect a reply, and communicate in such a way that you ask as little of him as possible.

By doing this you can stay in your normal behaviour mode (ie by communicating and being reasonable)and you can avoid getting caught up in all the drama and emotion of it. You stay in control of your behaviour and if he chooses not to reply, that is on him, not you.

Alternatively you can appoint an intermediary (legal / friend / social services / family etc... .) to in effect act as a go between, again this de-personalises the communication and takes the emotion out of the interaction.

But really how you deal with this depends on your long term goals are and how much communication you want with him, given his behaviour and how he is making you feel.

[Stripey77]

It is horrific; I wish I could give you some words of comfort. I think it's some of the opening words on this website that actually gave me the greatest comfort, when I first started trying to understand what was happening to me that made me realise that a) I was not imagining this mind bending emotional treatment and b) I was not alone.  I hope that you realise that both of these things apply to you, too, and no, it is not normal break up behaviour. I think for many of us, especially on this thread, it is precisely the style of the breakup and the subsequent treatment that led us to finding this site. It certainly did for me.

But, we have to play with the cards we are dealt with. It's tricky to give practical advice, and my heart truly goes out to you because you have the added frustration of trying to make your partner behave like a responsible adult when he is effectively sticking his fingers in his ears saying "lalalalalaaaaala".   There is actually another thread on this board about silent treatment, and small comfort though it may be, it may reassure you to see that you are far, far from alone.  

I have posted on that thread too, but just to briefly reiterate what I wrote on there, and bearing in mind that can only draw on my own experiences, my ex has subjected me to several STs. They have been horrific and this time last year I thought I would die from the grief as he totally disregarded me for 5 long months. I was in effect, dead to him. Then all of a sudden one day, he wanted to talk to me again. Just like that... .and in fact, despite his claims that he had deleted and cancelled me from his life and that I no longer existed (nice) he then went on to tell me that he still had all his photos of me. So not that cancelled then. And then went on to kiss me, and more and more.  My story is not, I think, uncommon, and was just one example (although the biggest one) of an endless cyclone of being picked up and put down by him that I have been subjected to. He is currently not talking to me again... .for now.   And yes, I can say 'for now' with some confidence, based on everything that has happened between us to date. He has met his match in me, because I am quite capable of mirroring his silence if I choose. Last time, I continued to acknowledge him and say hello etc, even though he looked right through me or avoided crossing my path.

I wish I could tell you what the right way to approach this is, or how to break the silence, but I don't know what it is. You must feel like screaming, never mind how betrayed and let down you feel as, as you say, the mother of his children and life partner. My heart goes out to you, truly it does.  But what I do know is (in the case of my ex at least) that they will talk when they are ready. And not before. We can't force it or scream at them or make them see sense... .we are dealing with disordered minds here, so logic just doesn't enter the scene, sadly. And I am positive that the closer we were to them, the more attached they were, the harder we got pushed away. My ex was in love with me, and now I have found out, told others this too. He adored me. Then suddenly one day he didn't, just like that. And the last year and a half we have gone from him treating me with hostility, to affection, to a kind of awkward friendliness to total radio silence... .and back again. Rinse, and repeat, as they say. He's not talking to me now... .but he will. My friends and family are becoming so used to this, that they are all saying "he'll be back to talk to you".  Is this 'normal' break up behaviour? No, of course not, it comes from a disordered mind with a lack of self esteem and knowing what they actually want.  


I would like to reiterate the previous poster's comments and want you to realise that ST is NOT always used as a weapon, not in the case of our exes, who, we have to remember, are constantly in a state of inner turmoil.  It's not about you, it's about what's going on with them. Please try to take solace from the fact that because you meant so much to him, precisely because you are the mother of his children, and his best friend and partner, you have been pushed the hardest. My ex has give plenty of other people around him similar treatment as he has done me, including the gf before me, and now his best friend and business associate has also been chopped from his life.  He has gone from adoring that person like a brother of many years' standing, to telling me that he wouldn't cry if he died, because he deserved it. Can you believe that? But I believe it's because he was TOO close and he loved and respected him so much. Of all of these people, I am the only one, to my knowledge, who has been blocked and deleted on almost (note:almost) every social media channel, Skype, Insta, FB, you name it. What did I do that deserved to be made a leper... .? I got too close.  I imagine that the same probably goes for you. If you possibly can, try to turn that into the slightest tiny positive... .you probably meant more to him than anyone else does or did.

Being rational, be aware that he may choose to break his silence at any given point. In the meantime, you have to try to take practical steps to protect yours and your babies' needs, of course you do... .I wish I could advise you further, but the idea of a mediator or trusted neutral party is perhaps a good starting point.

ST hurts. It sucks, its vindictive, it's cruel, it devalues us and makes us feel as if we were nothing. But please please please, try to remember that in the case of our exes, that is quite probably NOT their intention. It is a defence mechanism to cover up their owner inner turmoil. My ex has told me countless times of the darkness in his brain, that he doesn't deserve me, that I should forget him and hate him... .then he wants to get close to me again, then he hates me again.  I think the ST is an outward symptom of this inner darkness.

I will say that every one of my ST's has been precipitated by some kind of event, sometimes from a 3rd party, or him finding himself in an uncomfortable conversation with me, that seemed to trigger them. They haven't come completely from the blue, but the difference is, that a conflict that you or I would resolve in adult conversation and mutual respect... .it seems that our exes deal with by just withdrawing. It is childish, frustrating and painful, but in their minds at least, there is a perfectly logical and justifiable reason for it.

I want to leave you with some of my own ex's words, almost verbatim, that may give you a little insight and please try to to remember that this isn't about you, or anything you've done.

"I'm like a kid. Sometimes I just want to run away from everyone and everything, even from my parents... .can you imagine that?"

Can you imagine that?  If we feel like that, we might take a little time out and have some me time. They seem to project this time out, by inflicting it on us. It's not about you. It IS about him.

I hope you can find strength and remember, you are not alone.

[roberto516]

I agree with stimpy. I have been the recipient of the silent treatment as a way to control/punish. She even once told me. "I know! I'd be so angry if you ignored me. Why do I do it to you?" And there's a chance that now he feels in control because you are reaching out, and he has the leverage to make you suffer. The whole push/pull.

And then the other part, which I agree with, is that when a BPD is overwhelmed with emotions they literally "shut down". It's how they protect themselves. If you ask me why I'm ignoring you I can tell you. Maybe I"m angry. Maybe I'm busy. Maybe I just dont' want to talk right now, and I need space.

But when was the last time someone with BPD could articulate so clearly how they felt? It seems like anger is the only trait they can readily express.

In my current situation I think the silent tx was because she was feeling awful about herself. And me reaching out was not to be supportive. It was to get answers. Which made it worse. Because I was probably shaming her. I know I was. So there's definitely two sides of the story.

I know none of us want to use empathy right now. But stimpy might be onto something. He might have shut down his brain in so many words. And if you told him you'd get back together with him if he could articulate a clear answer the odds are he couldn't do it.