How do I know if I lost my clarity?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, this is my second thread here.  I am so happy I found this site, I feel like someone finally understands what I'm going through in my marriage!

Anyway, BPD husband has spent many years trying to convince me I am crazy, even pushing me to go see a therapist more than once with the hopes of me getting a diagnosis.  He almost convinced me, and I asked my therapist what she thinks, and she had to spend half the session proving to me that I don't have any disorder or diagnosis.  Still, every now and then, I wonder.  The other mind game he plays is that he accuses me of acting like he has BPD.  (Ironic, since I do think he has BPD, but I never said anything about it to him.)  So I take these two things together, and they swirl around in my head: if I wonder why he is trying to prove I am crazy, I think that is what he thinks I am doing to him too, and if I wonder why he is accusing me of making him think he has BPD, then I think that's what he thinks I am doing too.

It's enough to make me wonder if I really am losing my mind!

[talking rose]

Hi, this is my second thread here.  I am so happy I found this site, I feel like someone finally understands what I'm going through in my marriage!

Anyway, BPD husband has spent many years trying to convince me I am crazy, even pushing me to go see a therapist more than once with the hopes of me getting a diagnosis.  He almost convinced me, and I asked my therapist what she thinks, and she had to spend half the session proving to me that I don't have any disorder or diagnosis.  Still, every now and then, I wonder.  The other mind game he plays is that he accuses me of acting like he has BPD.  (Ironic, since I do think he has BPD, but I never said anything about it to him.)  So I take these two things together, and they swirl around in my head: if I wonder why he is trying to prove I am crazy, I think that is what he thinks I am doing to him too, and if I wonder why he is accusing me of making him think he has BPD, then I think that's what he thinks I am doing too.

It's enough to make me wonder if I really am losing my mind!

[formflier]

I'm glad you have found us and I'm glad you have a T.  Perhaps it's time to discuss boundaries with her around discussions with your husband and YOUR mental health.

Thoughts?

FF

[BeagleGirl]

talking rose,
Would it be worthwhile to you to get a second professional opinion about your mental health?  BPD (along with other psychiatric and personality disorders) is something that can be diagnosed during a thorough psychiatric evaluation.  {I know because my BPDh went for an evaluation for ADHD and came back with a BPD diagnosis}.  Just as having a piece of paper that states my husband's diagnosis serves to ground me when I think I might be going crazy (not out of the realm of possibility, but at least I have written proof that I'm not the ONLY crazy in the relationship), a formal evaluation and diagnosis (or lack thereof) could be the thing that you can hold to when your husband tries to convince you that you are the one with the problem.

By the way, what your husband is doing is one of the more insidious acts of emotional and psychological abuse.  I found it very helpful to read "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. 

BeagleGirl

[talking rose]

 I discussed this with my therapist a few days ago.  She said it is part of the emotional abuse, a type of gaslighting, trying to convince me that I am losing my mind.   

I am seriously considering divorce, but  I am so conflicted about it.  On the one hand I am tired of the abuse, but on the other hand I can't seem to let go of the hope that it will get better.  And I'm scared of the divorce proceedings, especially because we have kids together.  I keep thinking, if I could make it work for about 6 more years, most of the kids will be out of the house already and even the youngest will be a teen. 

But what if I lose myself by then?  I feel like it might be time to save myself from this burning house.

[Lucky Jim]

On the one hand I am tired of the abuse, but on the other hand I can't seem to let go of the hope that it will get better. 

Hey talking rose, Welcome!  Yes, we get what you are going through.  No, I doubt that you are suffering from any disorder.  More likely, it is projection by your H.  What gives you hope that things are going to improve?  In the meantime, abuse is unacceptable and 6 years is a long time.  I should know: I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years.

LuckyJim

[BeagleGirl]

Talking Rose,
I definitely understand where you are.  While my husband never accused me of having a personality disorder, I definitely experienced a lot of the crazy making and some gas lighting. 

I still ask myself if I can go back to my marriage, at least for the 4 years until my youngest graduates from high school and is "on his own". 

What I lack now, that I had until about 6 months ago, is the hope that things will get better.  I spent 21 years holding onto that hope.  It was about 6 months ago that I started to realize that what I was experiencing as hope was actually part of the abuse cycle.  Please don't think I'm saying that is the case for you.  I just know that I came to a point where to hope was to hurt.  Once I lost that ability to hope I felt like I either had to escape or die.

There are many days when I wish that I could "unsee" the abuse.  As hard as it was to live in an abusive marriage, it became untenable when I realized it was an abusive marriage.  Once that realization dawned, I couldn't see the "good times" as a reason to hope.  They just became part of the abuse cycle, and I could pretty much predict the number of days it would take to finish the cycle and be weeping in despair again.

I'm sorry.  I feel like I may be influencing you to let go of hope, and that's the last thing I want to do.  I do believe that people can change (if you've read enough of my posts, you'll know that I'm a prime example) and that relationships can be redeemed.  I just find that I need a lot more evidence to support my hope than I used to.

[formflier]

I discussed this with my therapist a few days ago.  She said it is part of the emotional abuse, a type of gaslighting, trying to convince me that I am losing my mind.   
 

Have you discussed boundaries to protect yourself from the emotional abuse?

FF

[talking rose]

Have you discussed boundaries to protect yourself from the emotional abuse?

FF

Yes, we discussed boundaries in therapy a few times.  I sometimes have a hard time maintaining my boundaries, I give in when he wears me down and I just don't feel like fighting.  And he really doesn't let up until he gets what he wants.  For example, I am supposed to not continue having a conversation with him when it turns accusatory and blaming.  But when I say I am not continuing the conversation, he says that I am the one accusing and blaming... .and then I feel the need to defend myself because it's so ridiculous.  If I just try to ignore him, he grabs me and shakes me to get a reaction.  Another example is that when he yells and rages at me, I will not sleep with him until I feel ready again.  He doesn't like this boundary at all, and he tries so many different ways to get around it.  (Ironically, if he would try by seducing me with kind words and gestures, it would easily sway me, but he tries instead by listing the reasons why I owe him sex.)  So the last two months he was verbally and emotionally abusive every day, raging at me every single day, and a few times used physical intimidation as well.  During this time, I got a call from my uncle, who is also a clergyman, to come in and talk.  My uncle told me that my husband spoke to him about "what's going on," and although we are having marriage difficulties, it is my duty as a wife to not withhold sex from my husband.  I was humiliated more than I have ever been, and after I finally stopped crying from the embarrasment of it, I asked my uncle, "So (my husband) asked you to convince me to sleep with him?"  My uncle did not know how to respond, just ended the conversation by wishing me blessings from God... .   A few days later, my husband tried forcing himself on me physically. 

So, yeah, boundaries... .

[talking rose]

Talking Rose,
I definitely understand where you are.  While my husband never accused me of having a personality disorder, I definitely experienced a lot of the crazy making and some gas lighting. 

I still ask myself if I can go back to my marriage, at least for the 4 years until my youngest graduates from high school and is "on his own". 

What I lack now, that I had until about 6 months ago, is the hope that things will get better.  I spent 21 years holding onto that hope.  It was about 6 months ago that I started to realize that what I was experiencing as hope was actually part of the abuse cycle.  Please don't think I'm saying that is the case for you.  I just know that I came to a point where to hope was to hurt.  Once I lost that ability to hope I felt like I either had to escape or die.

There are many days when I wish that I could "unsee" the abuse.  As hard as it was to live in an abusive marriage, it became untenable when I realized it was an abusive marriage.  Once that realization dawned, I couldn't see the "good times" as a reason to hope.  They just became part of the abuse cycle, and I could pretty much predict the number of days it would take to finish the cycle and be weeping in despair again.

I'm sorry.  I feel like I may be influencing you to let go of hope, and that's the last thing I want to do.  I do believe that people can change (if you've read enough of my posts, you'll know that I'm a prime example) and that relationships can be redeemed.  I just find that I need a lot more evidence to support my hope than I used to.

I know what you're talking about, I recently admitted to myself that the good times are actually just the honeymoon phase of an abusive relationship.  I can't believe how long I have been in denial.  18 years of marriage!  19 years that I know him!  I also used to always think that he is trying, he is changing.  Actually, what changed my mind the most was a few weeks ago when my therapist suggested I read "Why Does He Do That," by Lundy Bankroft, it was as if the author had a camera in my house, he described my relationship exactly!  Abusive men thrive off making us think they will change.  I can't believe how long I kept that hope for, knowing now that it was all part of the game.

[talking rose]

Hey talking rose, Welcome!  Yes, we get what you are going through.  No, I doubt that you are suffering from any disorder.  More likely, it is projection by your H.  What gives you hope that things are going to improve?  In the meantime, abuse is unacceptable and 6 years is a long time.  I should know: I was married to my BPDxW for 16 years.

LuckyJim

We're married 18 years, but only over the last 6 I started to realize he was being abusive.   I guess until then I was making excuses for him, it was stress from work making him upset, it was his PTSD from his abusive childhood (diagnosed by a therapist about 12 years ago,) it was me triggering him and pushing his buttons. 

I don't know now that I feel as strongly as I used to that things will improve.  He did make many positive changes through therapy.  But the thing that he keeps coming back to is blaming me and accusing me of things I never said or did.  And trying to diagnose and label me when I don't do things he wants.

We are currently separated, and it took me a week to realize this, but I don't want to try to make things work again.  I called him tonight out of habit.  I don't even know how not to call him, after 19 years together and 18 years married.  He asked why I'm calling.  I told him that I don't know how to break the habit.  He said maybe we don't have to.  And then I realized that I am leading him along, so now I feel guilty again.  He called an hour later to tell me that he is tired, and he wants to talk but not tonight since he is too tired.  I don't even know if he wants to talk about how to end it, or how to bring us back together.  I think I will be very thankful if he wants to end it too, that would make it easier.  But somehow I doubt it.  If he wanted to end it, he would have by now.  I can't help thinking this is all part of his abuse.

I am really sick of it.

[formflier]

So, yeah, boundaries... .

Honestly... .after reading this, I'm more convinced than ever that boundaries are your number 1 focus for your energy.

Don't defend. Take your ears elsewhere.

If you are not physically safe, you need to take steps to ensure that.  Are you physically safe?

If you are not emotionally safe, you need to take steps to ensure that. 

The incredibly sad and confusing thing about this is that your hubby is likely to work against you on this. 

   

FF

[BeagleGirl]

For example, I am supposed to not continue having a conversation with him when it turns accusatory and blaming.  But when I say I am not continuing the conversation, he says that I am the one accusing and blaming... .and then I feel the need to defend myself because it's so ridiculous.  If I just try to ignore him, he grabs me and shakes me to get a reaction. 

Another example is that when he yells and rages at me, I will not sleep with him until I feel ready again.  He doesn't like this boundary at all, and he tries so many different ways to get around it.  (Ironically, if he would try by seducing me with kind words and gestures, it would easily sway me, but he tries instead by listing the reasons why I owe him sex.)  So the last two months he was verbally and emotionally abusive every day, raging at me every single day, and a few times used physical intimidation as well.  During this time, I got a call from my uncle, who is also a clergyman, to come in and talk.  My uncle told me that my husband spoke to him about "what's going on," and although we are having marriage difficulties, it is my duty as a wife to not withhold sex from my husband.  I was humiliated more than I have ever been, and after I finally stopped crying from the embarrasment of it, I asked my uncle, "So (my husband) asked you to convince me to sleep with him?"  My uncle did not know how to respond, just ended the conversation by wishing me blessings from God... .   A few days later, my husband tried forcing himself on me physically. 

So, yeah, boundaries... .

Oh Talking Rose.  These are areas where I can offer some understanding as well as sympathy/empathy.  From what I know of your situation, I know the pain and confusion you are going through first hand.  I'll take the "easier one" first.  I can offer to be your virtual buddy on boundary defense.  I sometimes become possessed with the desire to be understood and convince my BPDh (and maybe myself) of the reality of the situation when confronted with the abusive techniques that I let play out for so long.  In that state I sacrifice my boundaries in the (futile) attempt to get BPDh to see and agree.  I may have the little WWFFD (What Would FormFlier Do) voice running in my head saying "walk away, walk away, walk away.  :)isengage, disengage, disengage.  Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  WHAT THE H311 ARE YOU DOING?  I SAID WALK AWAY!" (sorry FF, but my vision of you becomes flavored by my knowledge of your military experience in times of stress), but I STILL WANT TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A MAGIC COMBINATION OF WORDS THAT WILL MAKE MY HUSBAND UNDERSTAND AND CHANGE.  That is what is in control when I turn around and reengage.  
One of the most powerful realizations I am still trying to internalize fully is that I can't be the Holy Spirit (bringer of conviction leading to repentance) for my husband.  There's a good video by Patrick Doyle on repentance that made that statement, and it has been the most effective in helping me disengage.  I've started to see that, similar to a child looking for attention from a parent, my BPDh gets his needs met whenever I engage, no matter how negative and painful that engagement is.  If I want him to learn to "self soothe" and "grow up" then I have to disengage and make sure BOTH of us live with the consequences of his behavior.
As to his grabbing and shaking you, my husband has not resorted to that, but he has started a pattern of trapping me in a room and "making himself bigger" so I feel like I can't leave.  Since the last time this happened (a week ago today) I am being very conscious of where I am when a conversation starts.  I stand between him and the door instead of the other way around, and I don't think I'll be engaging in any more "difficult" conversations outside the presence of a mediator for a long while.  These may be techniques you can employ as well.  


So that brings me to the second point.  I'll provide a bit of background on my situation so you can see if/how our situations are similar.  My father is a recently retired member of the clergy.  I have coworkers who tease me about being the original Footloose because our denomination is rather conservative and frowns upon dancing and attending movies.  I grew up influenced heavily by the legalistic aspect of religion (though I now find tremendous comfort and strength in the faith that got twisted into that set of legalistic rules).  I had a very clear set of beliefs (and examples modeled for me) of what a "good Christian wife" should be and do.  I was a virgin on my wedding night, but believed in the beauty of sex as a gift from God when within the bounds of marriage (Song of Solomon).  I was inexperienced, but didn't lack adventure and did consider my body my husband's (per scripture).  That is probably why, when I repeatedly caught my husband masturbating to porn and he was resistant to any sort of accountability, I took the responsibility for his sexual needs and "purity" upon myself.  I made sure that I did everything I could to meet his needs and "keep him from temptation".  I also did what I could to keep his life as stress free as possible.  While not overtly stated, this is what I picked up as my "wifely duty" after the one time I brought myself to tell a pastoral counselor about my BPDh's use of pornography during a MC session.  The pastor's response was to bemoan the prevalence of pornographic temptation in our society and give my husband a book on the link between stress and pornography use.  This lasted through 18 of our 22 years of marriage.  For many of those years I was able to see myself as giving a gift to my husband through what I was doing, but during times of abuse (not recognized as such at the time) I would consistently battle feelings of being used and being nothing more than "the Biblically acceptable object of his release".  

Then I had an affair.

The affair didn't last long (6 weeks), but the repercussions will be lifelong.  I betrayed my husband.  I "woke up" to many things in our relationship that I had given up on changing.  I will forever regret that I chose an affair rather than the dozens of other options at my disposal.  Ultimately, I ended the affair and spent the next 2 years doing everything I could to repair and make restitution in my marriage.  My husband even agreed (begrudgingly, despite promises to change) to go through a sexual addiction program designed to help him stop substituting physical release for physical intimacy as it should be (in conjunction with emotional and spiritual intimacy).  BUT THE ABUSE CONTINUED.  And I started feeling more and more used and would shut down, even dissociate from my body, during sex.  Throw in a healthy dose of guilt for wanting to withhold what I had willingly given another man, and you may be able to imagine how every sexual act started to feel like a violation.

I finally tested the waters and confessed what I was experiencing to our MC (a woman) in a private session.  She had seen our marriage dynamics for about a year and her first response was "I would be a bit worried about you if you didn't feel conflicted about having sex with someone who is basically operating as your child rather than your husband."  She has since served as a great sounding board.  She is a Christian and holds to the scriptures, but not as legalistically as I tend to.  She points to what God intended a marriage to be and how sex fits into that.  I still struggle with "withholding" when my body is supposed to be his, but I also believe that a husband should not put his desire for sex ahead of his desire that his wife not feel violated.  My husband has shown a disregard for my feelings of safety enough that I am currently okay with feeling the tension between what I feel I owe God as the wife He wants me to be and what I withhold from my husband as I try to be who God created me to be.

A few words on clergy intervention in marriage issues.  My experience as a pastor's daughter and lifelong church attendee has left me with an appreciation for the responsibility a church has in "growing" a good pastor.  Most clergy are ill equipped to recognize the difference between a difficult marriage and a destructive (abusive) marriage.  There is lots of biblical guidance given on how to improve marriages, but the focus on God's ability to change hearts, minds, and behaviors (something I firmly believe) sometimes leads clergy to see any sign of remorse on the part of the abuser as repentance.  There is also incredible pressure on the abused to "forgive 70 x 7" and a belief that "the prayers of a righteous woman will save her husband".  Add to that a healthy (unhealthy) measure of the clergy member's sense of worth being attached to keeping the marriages under their shepherding intact, and there isn't much room for the boundaries that are necessary(?) in an abusive relationship.

I have faced that with my current pastor.  My first meeting with him after I separated from my husband quickly turned to focus on the pain I had caused my husband through my affair (very true, but not entirely relevant since the abuse was going on long before the affair) and my lack of affirmation of my husband's manhood and role as spiritual leader of our home.  The message was that if I was a good enough wife, my husband wouldn't be treating me this way.  I left that meeting feeling almost as battered by my pastor as I was by my husband.  That day I started praying fervently (though sometimes bitterly) that God would help my pastor have discernment so he could see what was really happening.  I provided what was necessary for my MC to talk openly with our pastor (BPDh was a bit more reluctant to do so, but did eventually).  I continued to pray.  I sent a couple articles to our pastor that I hoped (and prayed) would help him understand what I felt my situation was and how I felt.  I continued to pray.  I met with him again and was open and honest about where I was with my relationship with God and my husband (not on the best terms with either at that meeting, but with far more hope that my relationship with God could be healed).  We've met a couple more times since then, and the shift in his attitude and advice have been part of what has healed my relationship with God, because I know He had to have a hand in it.  It hasn't been a matter of my pastor "switching sides", but a better understanding of the situation has made him better equipped to be a pastor to me and my husband as individuals rather than to our marriage as an institution.  

Now if only I could get my dad to understand.

If you feel like you may be experiencing spiritual abuse from your husband, church, or clergy, let me know.  I can point out a lot of resources that have helped me.  

My apologies for the long post.  I find that when I start telling my story I glean more from it than I think others do, and I just keep "talking".

BeagleGirl

[talking rose]

Honestly... .after reading this, I'm more convinced than ever that boundaries are your number 1 focus for your energy.

Don't defend. Take your ears elsewhere.

If you are not physically safe, you need to take steps to ensure that.  Are you physically safe?

If you are not emotionally safe, you need to take steps to ensure that. 

The incredibly sad and confusing thing about this is that your hubby is likely to work against you on this. 

   

FF

We are currently separated.  He left two weeks ago, after being hospitalized for suicidal thoughts.  (He is blaming me for his depression and suicidality.)  So I feel a little safer, but not completely.  Emotionally, he is now engaging in a smear campaign against me, telling all our friends and family all the things he normally yells at me.  And many of them believe him, if not fully then at least partially!  (A mutual friend said to me that he knows there are two sides of the story, and he hopes we can resolve our issues.  Now if I tell him that there is only one side of someone spreading lies about me, I sound like the crazy one!)  He has also been telling people (his version of) some the abuse I experienced in my childhood, very much embellished to suit his story.  I feel completely violated by this.  So emotionally I am not safe.  And I don't feel like I should be justifying myself to others, so I just tell them thank you for your concern, I am not comfortable discussing this with you, and then I hang up and cry.

Physically, I think I'm safe, but I am not sure.  We were separated once before, and he would come in after drinking too much and try to force himself on me.  Then he would apologize and say he won't try that again until I'm ready.  Now, he tried just touching me on my arm once and tried giving me a hug once, and I pulled away, and he hasn't tried more, but I have been having nightmares of him coming in in middle of the night and raping me.  I want to change the locks, but I cannot do that legally as long as we are both living here.  I would need to file for legal separation, at the minimum.  But if I do that now, I would look like a heartless ___, since he was just recently hospitalized with severe depression and suicidal thoughts.  I would be playing right into his game.

I feel so stuck.

[talking rose]

Beaglegirl, I am reading your post with eyes and mouth wide open, I cannot believe how many similarities there are in our experiences!  I experienced so much spiritual abuse from him and from our clergy and now even from my uncle.  And like you, for many years I just accepted it as my duty to be a good wife, and I made excuses for him.  Like you, when he "confessed" to me that he watches porn, and that it's because I don't satisfy him enough, I took it upon myself to help him with his sexual needs so that he doesn't sin and watch porn and masturbate. 

One of the ways he says I "push his buttons" is by not sleeping with him after he yells at me.  Then, any further yelling is my fault, because I should have soothed him and proved that I loved him by sleeping with him.  Once he actually yelled those exact words, "If you love me, you would prove it to me right now by coming over here and sleeping with me!"  (that in a loud yell, so that I am sure even my teenage sons heard, isn't that romantic, doesn't it make you want to jump right into bed with the guy?)

Like you, I also accepted a focus on the legality of religion, but over the last few years I have seen how it can be used to abuse, and then completely distort the original purpose of God's intentions.  So I have moved a bit away from it and moved towards a more spiritual way of observing.  Including telling my husband that he does not own my body, and saying no to sex when I feel abused by him.

[BeagleGirl]

I have been having nightmares of him coming in in middle of the night and raping me.  I want to change the locks, but I cannot do that legally as long as we are both living here.  I would need to file for legal separation, at the minimum.  But if I do that now, I would look like a heartless ___, since he was just recently hospitalized with severe depression and suicidal thoughts.  I would be playing right into his game.

I feel so stuck.

I too have had the rape nightmares. They have become a pretty good gauge of how safe I feel.  There have been times when I think I'm dealing with things pretty well until the nightmares reflect everything I've been "stuffing". Strangely enough, it was a relatively casual mention of nightmares that caught the attention of a co-worker/friend and provided the first friend that believed I was being abused without me saying the word "abuse". I didn't even have to say that the nightmares were of being held prisoner, raped, and alienated from friends and family by my husband.

I don't know the legality of changing locks on the house, but I doubt there is any restriction on putting locks on your bedroom door. That should at least provide some sense of security (while I know it probably also brings a sense of sadness that this is now necessary).

It really sucks, but women (and men) in our situations will lose reputations and friendships when we try to escape/change the relationship with our pwBPD. My therapist keeps reassuring me that some of those will come back over time, but that is poor comfort most days. I don't want to stoop to a he said/she said battle, so I've had to just trust that those who know or want to know me well enough to make an informed decision on who and what to believe will eventually see the truth. I have found some "safe" people. I have found this site. I have a renewed faith in God, even if I've lost faith in some people that have chosen to believe the worst of me. I try to remember the story of Joseph and how he ultimately was able to say of those who wronged him "what you meant for evil, God meant for my good".  I pray that you can find comfort and support from those same sources.
BG

[formflier]

I would look like a heartless ___, since he was just recently hospitalized with severe depression and suicidal thoughts.  I would be playing right into his game.

 

Don't play his game... .

Don't worry about how others see you.

Change the locks.

Nobody needs to know.  If you feel better about it, perhaps you could call some local DV shelters or DV resources. 

Listen... .this is about you and your safety.  He will say things that aren't true.  Changing the locks or not isn't going to change that.

   

FF

[DaughterOfHera]

This is sounding quite familiar to me, and I feel for you.  I found some help with this, though I'm not sure that I will ever fully recover from this type of accusation against me from those I've tried to love who are ill.  You deserve peace.  If it helps you to read about what helped me, feel free to read on.  At the very least, I send you wishes for clarity and support.

My uBPDm raised me telling me that it was I who was the problem, then when I grew up I would repeatedly attract partners who would tell me the same thing.  When I took a course created by NAMI to learn how to be a care-giver for my dSchizoeffectiveS, and for a partner at that time, they taught us that the person who is dealing with the symptoms of many forms of mental illness cannot tell that they are ill as it is the brain that does the self-assessing, hence, if a part of the brain is malfunctioning there is no way to self-assess.  Hearing this and thinking back to all the times I had been told that I was the problem, I had to face the possibility that it might be true... .so I went to my doctor who had known me since I was a teen.  His response was that, no, it was not me with the symptoms... .the fact that I was even capable of asking and getting myself to a knowledgeable medical professional was a big clue that I'm okay as many dealing with symptoms are not able to do so for themselves.

As I'd continued to learn about the behaviours that you're describing (from not only BPD's but also from people dealing with other types of psychological challenges), I found out from my therapist about GAS LIGHTING, which I see that a number of others in this thread are also mentioning.  She provided me with literature and taught me about what that can do to someone who is repeatedly exposed to it.  -----  We keep coming back to "Maybe it IS me after all" and thinking that we are crazy.  It can be a real challenge to learn how to off-set a lifetime (or even just a few months) of repeated Gas Lighting.

Since learning about Gas Lighting, 2 previous partners have approached me out of the blue to apologize for having done this to me... .which floored me... .it was so unexpected.  But I'm grateful for it and appreciate how brave they both were for bringing it up with me.  Their courage means that I now have a touchstone to hold to when I'm questioning myself.  My doctor's words and the literature that my therapist provided me with also acts as touchstones for me, as well as this website.

My mother, on the other hand, I doubt will ever be capable of recognizing it in herself or recognizing this repeated behaviour, which leaves me with a lack of closure and continuing to ask myself if it's actually me and not her with the health / behaviour issue.  I'm just not sure if I'll ever fully recover from these thoughts.

I hope that you can find some type of touchstone that allows clarity and provides you with a sense of ease and sanity.  You deserve to not have to question yourself.  If you're able to bring yourself to approach a medical professional for your own assessment, you are likely to find answers for yourself.  If fear of a potential diagnosis holds you back from this, there are some very interesting on-line check-lists that can help get you started in determining, for yourself, if you are either... .  a) dealing with BPD, or... .b) dealing with Gas Lighting.  Take care and good luck.

[talking rose]

I don't like locking my bedroom door at night  because my younger kids come for me sometimes in the middle of the night and I want to be accessible to them.  I also don't want to go to a DV shelter (although I thought about it) because it would be a horror for the kids, especially my teenagers.  I think my answer really is to change the locks.  But to protect myself from legal issues, I need to file for legal separation first.  (Just from some google research, I could be wrong but I do not want to take the chance.)  I got some numbers to call to direct and advise me on how to file for legal separation, and I plan on doing that this week.  After reading my own words here and admitting to myself that I don't feel safe right now, I realize this is what I need to do.

I have gone to therapy myself over the last few years, in addition to marital counseling.  I asked two different therapists directly if they think I have any disorder or mental illness, and they both told me that I don't and my thinking so is part of the abuse.  And yet, every now and then I still come back to wondering if it is really me.  I am especially struggling right now when my in-law family has turned against me, and even some friends are siding with him and treating me differently.

When I think about how successful he has been at making me question my sanity, my own perceptions, and my thoughts and emotions, I realize that I really do need to finally pull the plug on this relationship and stop trying to go in circles in my head trying to figure out how to fix it.

[DaughterOfHera]

I'm also familiar with the smear campaigns.  Just like the Gas Lighting behaviours, the smear campaigns feel to me like they are manipulative head games... .I started calling it "Brain Rape" years ago, as that's how it often feels to me.  Each time I've used that term among friends in similar situations, their eyes go big and they say that that term describes exactly what they feel.

My ex, another partner, and my own uBPDm have all done this to me.  I feel as if I would be participating in the drama to try to defend myself but, really, I just want the drama to end.  So I choose instead to remove myself from the whole game... .the people smearing and the people believing it.  It hurts, though.  I'm sensitive.  Since then, however, there have also been a few people who have been brave enough to approach me to say that they saw what was really going on with my mother and the other partner (not my ex, as yet).  On one hand I was grateful to find out that I'm not viewed through the "Smear-Filter" by the whole world.  On the other hand I feel ticked that they didn't do anything to help myself and my little sister when we were kids... .they just left us to continue to be victims of my mother's BPD behaviours.  At the very least, I'm an adult now and I'm the one who gets to say what's real or not real from my perspective.  I'm the one who gets to decide to not participate in the "Brain Rape" head games.

I also keep copies of the positive reactions and feedback that I've received from countless family, friends, colleagues, and clients who have been kind enough to let me know about the GOOD reputation that I have directly earned with them.  These seem to show up in birthday cards, report cards from childhood teachers, notes, kind spoken words, and many in reviews through my work.  When I need to, I look back on these copies to help me remember that those smear-words are not actually true but are, instead, words spoken from diseases inside of my loved-ones.

These are hard behaviours to live down, and there are hard choices to make as a result... .we are humans and want and deserve safe and healthy connections with the people around us.  I'm not sure that there is one right answer for everyone as to stay away from others or to try to communicate / defend / educate.  Whichever direction you choose to go with this, I send you wishes for safety and kind, sensible people to be around.

[talking rose]

I'm also familiar with the smear campaigns.  Just like the Gas Lighting behaviours, the smear campaigns feel to me like they are manipulative head games... .I started calling it "Brain Rape" years ago, as that's how it often feels to me.  Each time I've used that term among friends in similar situations, their eyes go big and they say that that term describes exactly what they feel.

"Brain Rape" describes it so perfectly! 

I basically decided I will not try to defend myself, because it becomes a he said/she said game that I don't want to participate in.  Also, it assumes there are two sides to every disagreement, and it ignores the fact that the smear campaign is being used as a way to control the victim.

[formflier]

I  I think my answer really is to change the locks.  But to protect myself from legal issues, I need to file for legal separation first.  (Just from some google research, I could be wrong but I do not want to take the chance.)  

Can you confirm that I have this right?

You believe you need to change the locks.  You have had your pwBPD come in the house uninvited and try to force himself on you.

Your pwBPD no longer lives in the house.

You have googled and are concerned about legal implications of changing the locks.  

So the plan is to let your pwBPD continue to have access to the house 24/7 until you file for legal separation.

Do I have this right?
 
If I a missing something, please fill in the blanks.

FF

[talking rose]

Can you confirm that I have this right?

You believe you need to change the locks.  You have had your pwBPD come in the house uninvited and try to force himself on you.

Your pwBPD no longer lives in the house.

You have googled and are concerned about legal implications of changing the locks.  

So the plan is to let your pwBPD continue to have access to the house 24/7 until you file for legal separation.

Do I have this right?
 
If I a missing something, please fill in the blanks.

FF

During physical separation, it is illegal to change the locks so that one spouse does not have access to the home.  Even if the husband leaves, the wife cannot change the locks.  You cannot evict your spouse from your home and restrict their access to their belongings.  Even if they "temporarily" leave.  That is the law.  If I had an order of protection or a police report, it would be different, but I don't.

[flourdust]

During physical separation, it is illegal to change the locks so that one spouse does not have access to the home.  Even if the husband leaves, the wife cannot change the locks.  You cannot evict your spouse from your home and restrict their access to their belongings.  Even if they "temporarily" leave.  That is the law.  If I had an order of protection or a police report, it would be different, but I don't.

Have you confirmed your understanding of the law?

In my state, the owners of the house can do whatever they want to the house, including changing the locks. Owners can also not be denied access to the house.

What does this mean in practical terms? Well, it's a little paradoxical. After my wife moved out, I changed the locks. As owner, I have that right. I'm also not obligated to give her a key. I can not BAN her from the house, but I am allowed to provide access only at mutually convenient times or circumstances.

Also ... .even if your understanding of your state's law is correct, consider what the likely consequences are of breaking it. If I denied access to the house to my wife, she could complain to the police, and they might escort her over to ask me to let her in, or they might tell her to get an order from a judge and that they won't intervene. You might find the advantages of changing the locks outweigh any legal consequences.

[formflier]

 You might find the advantages of changing the locks outweigh any legal consequences.

Ummm... .what flourdust said.

I'm not at all trying to get anyone in trouble or have anyone break the law.  I will be frank here, I think you are misinterpreting what you have read.

Do you own the home that you are in or is it a rental home?  If you own the home are you on the mortage?  Are you on the deed?  

Have you seen the deed that is recorded at the courthouse (many times you can look at this online)?

How many exterior locks are we talking about?  

Is there a garage with a code that other people know the code?  Is there a lockable door from the garage to the inside of your house?


In a r/s with a pwBPD, the person that is a stickler for the rules and honestly and honor is "normally" at a disadvantage.  Especially when the pwBPD is threatening to "lower the boom" of the law onto you.


Example.  Husband goes to police and says "she locked me out" and won't give me access to my stuff.  You "oh goodness, I can see how hard this is.  When can you guys provide an officer to monitor his access, I have a flexible schedule?"

It is that simple.

Furthermore

him "She locked me out and didn't ask... .I'm going to do all these legal things to her and put her away forever... .that will show her... ."

you "Oh, there must have been a misunderstanding about out separation agreement.  Likely best to put all of this in writing.  Here is my proposed draft, which includes language about access to the marital property."


Thoughts?

FF

[formflier]

it is illegal to change the locks so that one spouse does not have access to the home.  

When you read the law, what do you see as the "penalty" for breaking this law?

FF