Learning self compassion

[Cariadai]

It seems to me that the more I read, on psychology and mental health in general, and on recovering from the trauma of growing up with a BPD mother, the more important learning the skill of self compassion becomes. But how do I do that, when I don't feel worthy of compassion or care, when I feel completely worthless and unlovable? Has anyone overcome these feelings, to feel genuine love towards themselves?

I think it might be easier if I didn't have to see her constantly (and I do, it's unavoidable for complex reasons), and have to put up with her abuse and mind games. But I do. And I am filled with rage and hatred towards her, and then I despise myself for not being able to forgive her for what, after all, is an illness that she didn't choose to have, or to show her compassion. I can't believe that anyone in my life truly values me, or can be relied on to stand by me, or to love me unconditionally, and that includes a Higher Power, which is very upsetting for me, because I am a devout Christian. I feel so guilty for feeling that way.

I am 41 years old, with a lifetime history of depression, as a consequence of what I've been through. My first suicide attempt was at age 12, and my parents didn't get me help, "because it would have brought shame on the family". I have been in and out of counselling as an adult, and it helps temporarily, but I feel like it's a bottomless pit of need, because at the end of the day, I feel fundamentally worthless and unlovable and a bad person. Is it hopeless? Is there anything I can try?

I'm not at risk, I have learned after countless breakdowns, coping strategies that include regular exercise, and I am on anti-depressants, so I don't get suicidal any more. But I can't remember the last time I was happy, or at peace. I am surviving, but I want to know if it's possible to do more than survive... .

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Cariadai, Welcome! 

You've come to a good place here, where we are family and do our best to support one another. Other members will definitely be able to relate to your experiences as we all have someone with BPD in our families. Thank you for sharing your first post with us! 

It seems to me that the more I read, on psychology and mental health in general, and on recovering from the trauma of growing up with a BPD mother, the more important learning the skill of self compassion becomes. But how do I do that, when I don't feel worthy of compassion or care, when I feel completely worthless and unlovable? Has anyone overcome these feelings, to feel genuine love towards themselves?

This is such a great topic and question! You are right, that self care and compassion becomes crucial. It is so hard though, when like you and I, we grew up without learning how to do this. Our energy with a uBPDm was all focused on caring for them, and nothing for ourselves. In addition, if we did focus any care towards ourselves, we were often criticized for it.

On this recovery journey, it admittedly takes a lot of work and time. I am still working on receiving positive words from others. It is very hard to take them in to my soul and let them rest there without fighting and saying they are not true. Others here deal with this same struggle, I know. To another member here, I recently encouraged them to begin a 'positive box.' I have one per my T in which I save little cards or write down the positive words or kindnesses that others have shared with me. Note that I struggle to absorb them, but they are there for me to recognize and go back and read, over and over. It helps. Other's view of me is different than how I see myself. They frequently see me as much better than I see myself. Is that how you feel too?


Wools

 

[Cariadai]

Thank you.

Yes, lots of people in my life say good things about me, but I either think, "you wouldn't say that if you knew the real me", or I'm suspicious of their real intent, I'm looking for the angle.

I did have someone in my life who was a real mother figure, I felt really safe with her, she was flawed but unconditionally loving. But she died suddenly three years ago. A few months later I lost the other surrogate parent in my life, the father of my best friend, also very suddenly. He was the kindest, wisest man I ever met, deeply compassionate and patient. They had known me, and my family, since I was born, and understood the situation with my mother really well.