NC with sister

[yamada]

4 days ago I went nc with my sister. We only emailed or text but  her accusations because dangerous and therefore unacceptable and intolerable. I warned her and then she broke the boundary and I shut it down and blocked her ;. Then 48 hours ago after telling her that texting was for emergencies about our parents, she broke the rule so I shut her down and blocked her.
I have now started rehab on how to live in peace as she will never change. And sadly for her I never will. I am the one person who has not given into her for peace.  I think however I kinda got high from the fights ... .it became a game about who could win. Only I never did.
She contacted my saying 'I cant talk to your mother so you have to pass a message" and my daughter quietly and nicely told her off.
Now I am enjoying some peace. She will rear her ugly head. I just have to figure out what to do. 
What I  have to break is the immediate reaction of wanting to act and make the stress go away.

[Harri]

Hi Yamada.

What you can do is just not answer the texts or calls.  It is better if your boundaries are actually enforceable and since you can't prevent your sister from texting or calling, put the action on you:  do not respond.  You can have messages sent to email without reading them or you can block her.  Do you see the difference?  This way, you set the boundary, you enforce it and you empower yourself rather than being at the whim of her choices.

How old is your daughter? 

What I  have to break is the immediate reaction of wanting to act and make the stress go away.

Yes.  I was listening to a video last night and Fruzetti said that in families when the pwBPD dysregulates, we dysregulate in response.  I think that is true.  Dysregulation is just when we are not in control of our emotions and can't get back to center easily.  But it takes time.  It will help if you think in terms of empowering yourself and setting boundaries that putt you in the position of power.

Thoughts?

[yamada]

thanks Harri, right now I haven't the wherewithal to just ignore. I have been cornered so often I just come out fighting and I have to have a heap of space from her in order to regroup and breathe. Fruzetti is right. And after months of verbal punches I cant take anymore. My mother had a fall (another one) and bruised her head my sister insinuated that I punched her.  And I have no idea who she has said that to. That is when I realised the danger she puts me in.  As well  my role in the family was to fix the crisis. And it was the never ending yearning for the acknowledgement that I was a good person and I was of value but like most kids it wasnt good enough.
My parents came around and my mother was being a nasty cow to Dad and I wanted to 'fix it' ... he needs respite  from her.
So instead i text my daughter and said I am wanting to fix and she said

"Your father has consistently made his own choices
He could have divorced her at any point
He has continuously chosen her over you - when he was in good faculties and not that much older than you
Are now'
And I didnt want to fix it anymore.
My daughter is 33 and she is the most aware of my sister and her grandparents.  and she is the one they are most scared of in the respectful way.
She wrote this to my sister was creating this triangulation
"I am happy to be kept updated in emergencies if you and Mum cant talk to each other . However my brothers and I are not couriers for non emergent snipes, gripes or fights, and  passing angry messages between the two of you. We have discussed in the past how much we all disliked the role when we were younger and I have neither time nor inclination to return to it. "  My daughter has her doctorate and is a uni lecturer.  
Even more she is way smarter than me with PD's
I know my sister can always find a way to contact me, but I dont want the risk of it and if she breaks that boundary I have to delay the behaviour, but now I need to reboot my brain

[Harri]

I hear you.  You need space and time to regroup.

I really like what your daughter said.     She sounds smart and feisty!  She speaks the same way i did when my mother was alive.  I had to be direct and blunt and had hard line boundaries.  It worked.  And if your mother and sister respect her for it, all the better.  Your daughter is 100% right about your dad. 

But lets talk about you.  Good job on not stepping in to fix things for him!  You changed your behavior and that is wonderful. 

Can you block your sister on your phone, even for a short time?

[yamada]

Yes my daughter is very human smart. she is an introvert too so when she says something  its very hard hitting. I think she is one of the few who can really exert boundaries on them. I have blocked my sister email and text. I know she can find another email I use but if she does she is just making things worse. I cannot trust her to accept boundaries or as she sees it I am being controlling.
So its just a matter of time before she starts up.
I have to see a solicitor about her blatant abuse of her authority over their money

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi yamada,

Good for you for setting up boundaries and sticking with them. Harri has shared some great support for you, and I as well think you have done the right thing. That being said, it still doesn't make you feel good, does it?

Somewhere's in my brain the concept of doing the 'right thing' has me believing that the other person might see it my way and come around, or that I will feel better about it than I do. Unfortunately, it often is really hard to do the right thing, and I think it takes a lot of courage as well, which you stepped into with the choice you made. 

When there is an absence in a part of our life that has been filled with an unhealthy behavior, it can often open up the other areas which we may have not realized we had to work on. I imagine you feel a void now, as you indicated from what you shared, and it will take time to re orient yourself to find healthy things to fill it. What things come to mind that can be a healthy option for you?

Keep going. You will get there!
 
Wools

[yamada]

It occurred to me that no matter what has been put in place for my parents , by me or others it never works. They always complain. It is like pouring fuel into a fire that will never start. So having realised that I can stop and let others feel the futility. Some things I have suggested,  so I can say I suggested it and I can live with myself and their choices. 
As for my sister I feel as if we have died but its a relief. Its like a person with a terminal illness dying and you know its cruel and distressing,. And then they die and its sad but a relief because now we can all move on.
I sent my sister the final sad eulogy. I wrote a eulogy for us and said the stuff she needed to hear ,that I loved her and when I walked out on the family I know she was left with my parents.  And why my relationship with them is a lot different to hers. I know how messed over she was by mum but she had choices, but as trapped as she feels she entraps herself for financial gain. And then I laid out the final reasons for no contact. When I pressed the send button and then blocked her I felt like the funeral was finished.
I feel more relief than sadness.
Eventually  I will stop jumping through the roof if I hear my phone notification of a text or an email and yet I know the day I stop jumping will be the day she turns up but I will be prepared or at least better prepared than being bombarded.

[Harri]

They always complain. It is like pouring fuel into a fire that will never start.

Mine did the same and when I finally realized it did not matter what I did, I decided to change things up and do what felt right for me.  I was going to be in trouble anyway so why not do I want wanted or felt right for me.  Realizing this was a big revelation for me.

Eventually  I will stop jumping through the roof if I hear my phone notification of a text or an email and yet I know the day I stop jumping will be the day she turns up but I will be prepared or at least better prepared than being bombarded.

It is important that you continue to work on things.  What you say here sounds very uncomfortable so I hope you get some relief soon.  What will you do to help you be less reactive?

[yamada]

I neede space and the an ingrained plan to make it automatic. I need to deal with it to get relief so I will send it to my hb so he can ignore it.

[yamada]

I just want to thank you for all your help. This page is my lifeline as I dont have to go into the 'big' explanations of the BPD NPD. You all know the story

[yamada]

Update. Been two weeks of blessed peace.

[Harri]

Hi yamada.  I've been wondering how you are doing so thanks for the update.

Are you doing anything in particular, other than NC, to help with your sense of peace?  You mentioned sending messages to your husband to read for you.  How is that going?

[yamada]

My sister has been quietened and hasnt made any attempt. She wont attempt her toxicity with him. Everything has yet to be tested, but I know less is more. I cannot control a lot of the future with her and my parents so I am letting it go except, I am seeing a solicitor about how she got enduring power of attorney and the wills. I truley  believe that she is manipulating them financially and in doing so she is theiving from them and thus me/. Is it important yes. Because it effects my kids . I know money can be tacky but this is serious money and she has manipulated my parents.
and I have found out that she attempted to use my kids as 'intermediataries"
and my daughter firmly put her in her place.  My daughter and her partner live in the Uk and we are all in australia. My sister tried to 'organise' my daughters time with my /our parents and my daughter again firmly put her in her place.
My parents and sister have always been in a little awe of my daughter. She is the one who holds them to some sort of account and yet she does nothing except be herself. There is something about her that they know not to try anything. So right now the future is calm and expecting chaos when ever it happens but not hyper vigilent about it