After The Breakup, As I Get Stronger...

[blueblue12]

As I get stronger, after the breakup and first recycle I can clearly see the two sides of my life with my ex wife, here is the breakdown:

*There is the woman that I thought I married:
Talented, beautiful, joyous, loving, caring... .the perfect companion

*Then there is the 'other woman':
selfish, mean, cold, detached, sad, untrustworthy, flirtatious, dangerous, sabotager, violent, aggressive, attention seeker, loud, seducer, weak, dependent, risk taker, hurtful, needy, alcoholic, unstable... .

As my T keeps telling me in my regular sessions "well, what is it that you are not getting here?"... .

What does your breakdown look like?

[Ahoy]

Isn't it funny. If I were to make a list of both sides like you did, mine would be very similar. I think my ex was more of a waif type so maybe a few small changes.

Anyways the point is, we both KNOW that our ex's were both of these people (as one) during the course of the relationship, and is it progressed we saw more of the darker side than the other. Logically our brains understand how toxic the relationship had become and that this person, in their current form was beyond saving, possibly redemption too. Yet rather than seeing this as some form of great escape, a bullet dodged perhaps, we spend endless hours ruminating over what was and what might have been.

I'm not sure if you feel or think this way too. I guess its a testament to how damaging these relationships are, for me it as also because I have my own issues that I have worked on, and are slowly conquering.

If I wasn't so involved in all of this mess, if I was observing this dynamic clinically, I would find this all just so damn fascinating. I never knew this existed two years ago. Now I cant forget it!

[blueblue12]

I am not completely out but I am trying hard, the logical side of me sees it clearly the other side of me like you say ruminates and tries to 'fix things' which as we know are 'not fixable'. I had no idea and knew this woman for more then a decade! I use to think there were childhood issues of course plus moody times due to hormones, until my T mentioned 'she sounds borderline', wow! that was a revelation... .I had no idea... .as much as I would love to be with her deep down I know that there is nothing good there, like my T says "if you go back you are on to future rocky roads"... .he also says "look you are not the mechanic, a relationship should have two working cars!"

[Mavrik]

At first appeared:-

Loving, fun, outgoing, confident, caring, thoughtful, free spirited, respectful, open, honest, reliable.

Turned out later to be:- angry, controlling, hurtful, oppressive, racist (were different ethnicity and she would make racist comments to me), possessive, reckless sex with others then told me about it, blaming, and lots more I guess.

[once removed]

hi Raul,

i can understand the dichotomy youre drawing here. my ex had some great qualities, and some qualities that made her very difficult to be in a relationship with. she was neither good nor all bad, which is to say she was human, really.

a lot of us fixate on either the bad or the good side. have you worked toward integrating the two?

[Mavrik]

I found you can't integrate the 2, as they are both polls apart. And nowhere near one another

The bits that were great we're great but the bad elements... .nothing can come close

[blueblue12]

Hey once removed, I have found like Mavrik that two are not connected. In my experience there were two diverse people, one was definite almost an acting role which is rather sad. I felt that strongly when I was recycled once. It was acting at its best, pleasing at its best, the best side out forward, I know we can all this, but to be suddenly talking to a different person a few days later? It feels weird. It's not right.

I can see now that a lot of it she went along with. I also know this because she has acted like that in other relationships that I know of. She went out with guys that were clearly beneath her but she seduced them to believe, then dumped them hard and thought of them as disposable people.

Her ways are definitely strange and not in line with I may classified as logical behaviours, as my T points out, all these terrible things, all the sabotaging that goes on, the brutal discardment that takes place "it's almost passed as normal behaviour, but it is not" because then she 'comes back' and thinks that everything can go back to normal, like not much really took place, whereupon my T says "what went on was extremely traumatic for you, it was vicious and cold detachment", and always using excuses to behave like that by putting you on the defensive, like its because you may be "too controlling, insecure, etc"... .and it has happened to a lot of us here, the same excuses and the same return, without any explanations that make sense.

But it took me ten years to work this out! It's just too sad... .

[Feelingblue]

Wow I read that list as if I could of written it myself. I think the hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact they are one and the same person as once you leave and feel you have regained some mental energy you start to think that ok I am feeling stronger now I can deal with the negative I can put aside the hurt justbto have that person back.
Its like a horrible addiction. Major withdrawl from the positive person yiunlove and forgetting all the negative that also comes with it just to take away the pain.

[Feelingblue]

It feels like the positive person is like an act to hide away from what is truly hiding beneath

[blueblue12]

Feelingblue,
Thanks for that. That's exactly how I was with her, I loved the great side so much that I 'put up' with terrible behaviours that no one should put up with. We were together for years, I now think that she might have done lots of terrible things along the way that I was not made aware of. I never checked on her as to be frank I didn't want to find anything hurtful. So now that I think back I am not 100% sure how true she was and I have lots of doubts.

When she discarded me she decided that we were to separate while living together. Trouble is I kept trying to 'fix things' all along that last year. It was terrible. At the end I found out that she had started a new relationship but she never told me about it. It's sad.

BUT as you point out, somehow we end up thinking ok I can deal with that just to be close to her again, to get to the beginning love which actually never came back! As my T points out, these things that take place are actually extremely traumatic so he asks "what is it that you are not getting here"... .well somehow I and others with these type of partners here end up forgiving a lot of unforgivable stuff.

My ex came back after a three month break in which I went NC. When she hassled and hassled me to see her, I finally did and she was the greatest love again, for a day or two! I got to experience the beggining again, it was great, but it soon disappeared again. I think now that it was almost as she was acting a role to get me involved again. It work for a very short period... .despite the great love and sex for a short time, I don't want to go through that again.

Time to move on... .meet others and experience a different relationship. That one has been ruined, too hard to fix now I feel.

[panhead67]

Hiya,
Here are my realizations, as I become stronger! Hey, today is a good day!
The two parts of my ex are: in idealization phase, romantic friendship: (this phase lasted for approx. 7 months before we entered into a sexual relationship)funny, romantic, thoughtful,soulmate,beautiful.my everything,the love of my life, my most trusted friend, I opened my heart to him, and for the first time in my life I didn't feel alone.(yes, there were red flags, but I didn't wanna see, I was literally high from him and hooked)
Flipped the switch and... .two weeks after we became intimate, he discarded me on my birthday! .(sound familiar?)he was sleeping with his roommate the next day.(i didn't discover til 5 months later, after a brief recycle)during these 5 months  he became cynical,selfish,withdrawn,suicidal,
then impulsive, indifferent, unpredictable, vicious, hurtful, and a river of neverending lies.
I can only see this clearly now after I left my addiction, and am doing everything to heal. After a lifetime of choosing or being chosen by borderlines, I learned this year what a borderline is,  how I grew up with one, and that I am a recovering  codependent. Mindfulness has been a great tool, as I didn't feel I could live through the pain. I 'm more than halfway there! Thank you to everyone here!

[StayStrongNow]

Raul, thank you for your post. My uxBPDw was and is exactly what you posted, every word. I keep a collection of posts from this site and copy these onto my iPhone notes to read through from time to time to further help me heal. Your post was added, thank you again.

[blueblue12]

StayStrongNow,
Thanks for your post! I also paste postings on to my phone and read them continuously. It's so sad, I, we put so much into these relationships, I mean I was super involved, I thought it was forever, all along, despite red flags, I put up with a lot, I was the enabler, the loving husband, I looked after her really well, at the end though the discardment was vicious. When I think about it it makes me extremely sad that I was discarded so badly, it was so cold, so mean, i felt so betrayed, how can you ever go back seriously... .I can't see it anymore as much as I miss her and miss our times.

[once removed]

I think the hardest thing is coming to terms with the fact they are one and the same person

this is what i mean by "integrating the two". recognizing that both the positive and negative treatment from our exes all came from one person.

i struggled with it a great deal during my relationship; how someone who claimed to love me, and showered me with affection, could also say such nasty things to me during a rage.

it can be hard to accept the complexity of our partners and their behavior toward us.

[blueblue12]

Thanks once removed,
I understand your take on this. Of course it is the same person and you do come to terms with that fact. I used to look at her and wonder how she could have such rage against me randomly. It was awful but I stayed and stayed. Now that I understand more about these behaviours I can see it clearly. Also the lack of empathy, it's appalling. I tried and tried, I suffered a lot during the last year, but she had nothing for me. Left me and then when I went NC she came back strongly trying to get me back, abandonement kicked in hard for her.

By then I had enough. By then I also found out that she had been in a new relationship while living with me, while I was looking after her, while I was paying all the bills, while I was the servant basically. It was terrible. Now we are separated after a short lived recycle. But the other night after two weeks NC she was desperately calling me at 4am, completely distressed. I actually told her that she needs more concentrated help. Therapy that will look into her emotions and deal with them, she is though in denial about having any personality disorders.

At the end it's all about her. Whatever is happening to her is the only thing she sees, no empathy, isn't that a common trait? Of course it is. She does not want to face the fact that she hurt me deeply. She says she hasn't got the energy to look into my feelings and what happen between us, complete denial. I am meant to just forgive and forget! Hard to do. In a normal relationship I guess a lot of terrible behaviours are understood to be impossible to forgive and move on. Not in this one. In her mind we can just start again, whatever happened was 'in the past'! Really?  How do you trust again? I don't think you can, it's just a matter of time, whatever took place without getting to the bottom of things and trying to remedy through concentrated therapy will happen again and I am not keen to go through it again, ever!

[lovenature]

They are one and the same person; during idealization they mirror you and treat you like the best thing they ever came across, then when you get too close you trigger their fear of engulfment and devaluation begins where they hurt you to push you away in order to sooth their fear of abandonment. The push/pull is devastating and decimates our self esteem and confidence.
Stay NC and keep getting stronger one day at a time.