parent with BPD characteristics

[onlyme]

I have a parent who shows BPD traits but no diagnosis has ever been made.  I have tried for 53 years to be a good daughter, but am realizing that parts of our relationship has not been healthy.

[atmywitsendtoo]

I had a parent whose behavior was very volatile and erratic. I eventually (after doing a lot of reading about psychology and psychiatry) came to understand that my parent had mental health issues. It is very hard to grow up with a mentally ill parent because children tend to blame themselves when things go wrong rather than blame the idealized parent on whom they depend for their very existence. It is easier for a child to believe they did something wrong than it is to believe that their source of sustenance, shelter, emotional and physical safety is flawed. If the person who is supposed to care for them and protect them is flawed and not functioning rationally then the child feels defenseless in a big and frightening world. This is why people who grew up with a parent with mental health issues tend to have very low self-esteem. They grew up blaming themselves for things that were not their fault, and  they faiedl to develop a sense of what is and is not normal behavior. Due to a lack of self-esteem and the inability to recognize normal behavior these children often choose troubled partners who do not treat them well.

I had low self-esteem for many years but my self-esteem grew by leaps and bounds when as an adult I came to understand that my parent was and had been mentally ill, so it was not me causing all the havoc it my parent.

Luckily I married a good and stable man.

Unluckily my daughter inherited a tenancy to develop this personality disorder. Her problems are different from my parent's problems, (the diagnosis is different) but equally severe.

I hope you were able to grow up with your self-esteem intact and you have chosen to fill your life with stable people who are not like your troubled parent.

Wishing you the best!

atmywitsendtoo