Help/Feeling Lost as a Caregiver

[LostMoonlight]

I am not sure where to even begin.  My husband has been diagnosed with major depressive disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder.  Both him and I have suspected for awhile he is dealing with BPD - he hits every single marker and everything on the BPD central website is all too familiar.

While we are finding him help, I am struggling.  He attempted suicide a few weeks ago and thankfully didn't succeed.  We put him under suicide watch at a mental health facility for 5 days.  He has his ups and downs of course, and a lot of paranoia.  Mostly seems to trigger when I am not with him.  Such as when he or I are working.  He is in therapy and group classes, as well as, seeing a psychiatrist.  My psychiatrist and therapist appointments are this coming week.

I love him dearly but I am having a hard time keeping myself together.  While I am not a depressive I deal with a lot of anxiety - generalized anxiety.  Every time he spirals downward I hit a wall of panic often leading to a panic attack that I feel I have to hide.  I have been very strong for him but I am starting to have a hard time keeping it together.  I feel like I am re-gluing myself together constantly after being strong for so many people in my family, past relationships, and friends.  I am getting frustrated with myself and the whole situation. Finding a support group for this is seeming next to impossible.

People keep telling me to take time for myself but I don't really know what that means.  When I ask how I keep getting told to get a mani/pedi, take a bath, etc.  But that doesn't help me.  I am on medication for my anxiety and it controls everything well unless he spirals downward/is triggered.  My mind starts racing about what he might do to himself.  We have a mental health/crisis plan and such.  All weapons and medications are locked up.  I feel like I am babbling aimlessly.  Part of me feels bad for complaining.  I talk with my family and friends but no one has dealt with something like this.  I just don't know what to do to keep myself in one piece, help.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[isilme]

Taking time for yourself is a very subjective thing.  Personally, I need to be able to be left alone to read a book.  I have found that watching TV or playing games never relax me as much as being able tor read for an hour of two, uninterrupted.  And if I doze off, the more the better. 

Time alone in the bathroom is a big thing, too.  Like yours, my H seems to feel my presence is a security blanket, and so when he is away from me and feeling anxiety, he tends to want to be in the bathroom with me everytime I am showering, so I feel suffocated a little bit and like I have little to no alone time.  That's "me-time".  Just a few minutes here and there where you can be concerned with just you... .not how is he?  What does he need?  What should I be doing?  You can't operate at that level of worry for long periods of time.

Never feel bad for "complaining" here.  That is what this board is for.  It's a place to get it out, organize it in writing, and not keep it all bottled up.