New to Group - lost as to where to turn

[KFC]

I am a mom with a daughter diagnosed with BPD, other mental health issues and substance abuse.  She is 27, and we have been dealing with mental health issues and substance abuse over last 14 years - and while we suspected BPD years ago, she was just recently diagnosed.  My husband and I are in a place where we don't know what to do or not do next.  The last year has been horrible.  Serious drug abuse. Abusive boyfriend with bad dangerous past in jail awaiting trial for attacking her. Three residential treatments over last 10 years with limited and at best temporary success. Last one we said was last chance and we were done she was on her own.  She got kicked out in 20 days for threatening patient. Sent to psyche ward where she signed herself out and moved in with a man she just met in psyche ward.  That lasted a week when she called and said she was hallucinating and seeing things and having chest pains.  Taken to hospital who stabilized her then we agreed to pay for her bus ride back to Chicago .  She never made it. Went "missing" in Dallas and was homeless for 4 days. My husband was so distraught he flew to Dallas and walked the streets around Dallas bus station and found her and brought her to Chicago.  She has no where to live (can't live at home because she threatened to kill me), (can't live in a place we rent for her - she destroyed last place with 30k damage), she has no job no money no friends.  She is refusing to go into residential treatment, won't live in shelter, and is very angry we won't let her live at home. I'm out of options or suggestions.  How to help her has been the most difficult thing in our marriage.  My husband and I disagree on the line between support and enablement.  Thanks for listening. Any thoughts please share.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there KFC

Welcome to the forum and I wanted to say how sorry I am to read your story and troubles. It's just completely exhausting trying to cope with our adult kids behaviours.

You've said that your daughter has only recently been diagnosed. The dx explains so much then more questions come. Have you read about BPD?  Take a look at the top right hand side of this page Start Here and you'll find loads of information that will help you better understand. The more I learned the better I understood, the less I reacted. My reactions only made things worse for my DS who is 26 and living at home with us (dx at 24, recently re-dx with GAD, depression and BPD traits)

Getting a dx is scary and takes time to process, particularly if your daughter's life is a complete mess and she's under a lot of stress. Im sorry the rehab attempts have failed in the past and she's currently refusing treatment. I've got experience of long term drug use with my son and there's others on the forum. My son self medicates to try and ease high anxieties and sleeplessness. He doesn't drink alcohol. How about your daughter?

Like you, my H hasn't always been in the same song sheet as me. This is actually very important as a first step. Fortunately we both agreed to let our DS return home. I found this forum and it's been our life saviour.

Sadly, there are no quick fixes. Its been 18 months and we've seen slow but steady progress. My DS has started to think about treatment and his drug problems. For any treatment he has to be fully committed and I've concentrated on getting back to basics: improving our relationship (he's going to need us for emotional support) and getting him some financial management skills.  I provided a roof and food only but have created a more loving and supportive approach - it's more nurturing and he's needed a lot of validation.

You can't change your daughter but you can change how you approach and interact with her. We have a better relationship, despite the problems.

I encourage you to arm yourself with a toolkit of skills you're going to need - regardless if you have her back home to live with you or not.  It starts with knowledge. When you know better, you do better.

Hugs

LP